As the Flower Blossoms

With the redesign of this blog I entered into a new phase.

My inner most thoughts and feelings are no longer all dark and grey. My world is no longer filled with darkness and feelings of hopelessness. Therefore there was no need for the background of this diary to remain black. This is a record of my mental and emotional states and the look and feel of it should reflect that.

A brief update should be in order here to bring this online journal up to speed with what has transpired.

Following the last post, my employment status changed for the better and I found myself once again in the work force. Knowing that I had no choice gave me the opportunity to assess my work attitude and mindsets. It helped to know that it was only a temporary assignment and that I am not expected to stay there permanently. But even so, I used to dread such assignments when I was younger and would perform badly and sometimes slightly irresponsibly. Therefore I didn't want to dread going to work as I once did, then and also throughout the last 8 years, so I told myself that whatever work I was given to do, no matter how mundane, monotonous or repetitive, I would approach it positively and do it to the best of my abilities. It turned out to be one of the best, if not the best, short term work assignments I have ever done. One can argue that the job scope wasn't typical but I would like to think that a lot of it had to do with the attitude I had going into the job.

This is but one of the many positive changes in my mental and emotional health that came out of my decision to walk away from that unhappy relationship that plagued and suppressed me for so long.

In my last post I mentioned that I had encountered someone special and would like to be able to progress with him. Well in the months that followed that entry both my heart and head came to realize that this is one matter on which they can both agree to be good for me.

For the first time ever in my life I can honestly and with confidence say that I am in love with someone. It is the heart-palpitating, giddy and blushing kind of love and the constant warmth, stable sense of belonging and deeply passionate kind of love rolled into one. And the best part of all this is the fact that I am not the only one feeling this way or offering this love within the relationship. I am being loved back in return in a way that far exceeds what I had hoped.

Although this doesn't mean that all will be smooth sailing all the time and be without difficulties from now on. But at least I know that even in the midst of these difficulties there is something there that I didn't have before - love.

No longer do I feel as though I were a bud that is darkened on the inside and destined to wither and die before it's had a chance to blossom.

Now, just as the flowers bloom in Spring, so too have I begun to finally blossom.

Tug of War

Follow my heart and do what makes me happy?
Or
Follow my head and do what is practical and the resposible thing to do?

Why can't I find a neutral middle ground where these two can coexist
harmoniously?

Why do I find myself always having to choose one or the other?

When I choose to follow my heart and emotions I am always left feeling
uneasy and unsure if that is the right thing to do. My heart is happy
but I am also plagued with guilt, doubt, and worry.

When I choose to follow my head and the practical road I always find
myself feeling sad, empty and withering inside.

I want to be happy but I can't ignore the practical side of things.

I want to be resposible and know that things are being taken care of
but I can't ignore the yearnings and cries of my emotional heart.

I am constantly at war with myself and I don't know how to deal with
it anymore. I don't want to deal with it anymore.

I've finally met someone that makes me happy and I want to find out
further if he is the one, the soul mate I have been searching for. But
if I can't resolve my inner war issues I can't whole heartedly and
confidently move forward with him.

Right now choosing him will mean following my heart instead of my
head. But my current situation with the divorce pending and the lack
of a job is calling out that I should be prudent and practical
instead.

He makes me happier than anyone has ever been able to. He has awaken
emotions in me that I thought I would never again have the chance to
experience. He comforts my heart and I feel myself healing inside when
I am with him. He has allowed me to finally forget about Him, someone
I have been carrying inside and pining after for the past 15 years.

I want to be able to step to his side and walk that path with him
wholeheartedly without reservations or doubt. I want to know what it
means to truely be accepted for who I am and be loved completely for
it. I want to be able let me heart love someone again. To have the
overflowing desire to care for that person and accept all that he is
without fear or doubt.

Because of him I want this tug of war with myself to end. I want to
call a truce and reconcile my head with my heart.

Beginning of a Resolution

Finally broached the topic.

It happened the following day after I wrote the last post. Not the way I intended or have preferred but at least it came out. Actually told him that I want a divorce and that I don't love him and that I never did.

As far as I can tell he seemed shocked by it at first and possibly went into denial. But when I decided to say those words I was very clear about what I wanted and needed to do. And I have not yet once regretted that decision. I can't really remember very well what happened or even if anything happened in the weeks that followed. Just that I got increasingly annoyed at everything he did or didn't bother to do around the house such as not switching off the kitchen lights after he was done night after night.

Several weeks later we had another confrontation and this time I reiterated that I wanted a divorce. But he kept on bringing up points and issues about my behaviour and work ethics that in my opinion has got no bearings on my wanting to get a divorce. He blamed me for not wanting to make this marriage work and for dumping all the shit from work onto him. I'll admit that perhaps the timing was a little off in relation to the business. But then again is there ever a perfect time for such things?

Since that last confrontation we don't speak to each other any more. He very arrogantly said that he wants us to go for marriage counselling so that a third party can perhaps explain it to him more clearly why I wanted a divorce and that it's not entirely my fault that we are splitting up. But up till this day I have not heard anything from him.

He said that he didn't want to end this marriage but have not once shown me any efforts in trying to convince me otherwise. On the other hand he was more concerned about the fact that he would now have to shoulder the business on his own again since I was obviously not going to continue working with him. Which leads me to think that perhaps all these years I was more of a convenient and low cost help for his business than an actual wife.

However all these are irrelevant since the main issue here is not so much how he treated me or what he did or didn't do, but more about me finally being honest with my feelings and not suppressing them anymore.

After finally coming to this decision and having had the courage to verbalize the words I felt a great sense of relief and release of pressure. Even though I realize that the road will not be smooth going and that I would have to face many obstacles and objections to this decision, I am certain that I will not waver from it. It is going to be tough, and so far the objections have already come in. But I know that as difficult as it may be this is what I need to do to free myself from the depression cycle and self deprecating mind set that I have locked myself in for so many years.

My faith does tell me otherwise and in order to have closure and a resolution to that point I have decided for the first time in my life to go for counselling. I'll be going on my own as I see it as a step I need to take for myself. Whether or not he will be involved further down the road I don't know. At this point I don't need or want him involved. The only thing that could make me not go ahead with the divorce will have to be divine intervention. Although I am praying that He will not subject me to staying on in this marriage. And that He will release me from this bond.