Internal Turmoil

Actually I'm feeling rather half hearted about making this entry. I have many issues to put down and yet I have none. The thoughts are chasing around in my head again. I hate it when this happens. Before I can finish with one thought, idea, emotion or reaction another one comes rushing in. It's difficult to concentrate when my mind is in such internal turmoil.

*Sigh!*

Perhaps it's because I didn't pen(or in this case type) down my thoughts/emotions frequently enough to keep up with my seemingly hyperactive neurons. There was no outlet for them so they chase each other around the playground, which happens to be my mind, to amuse themselves.

Ok let me try and sort things out a bit....
(in no particular order... yet)

1. The ever increasing stress level to complete three jobs that will mark my final projects in that field.
2. The first dateline for the above projects is in 7 days and I've not yet been able to start on it.
3. My desk is constantly in a mess.
4. I have no life.
5. I cringe from the touch of my husband.
6. I get extremely irritable when I'm with him.
7. I get annoyed and disgusted at his seeming inability to withstand pain.
8. I get annoyed at how attention seeking he can be.
9. I am frustrated that my life and marriage is turning out the way it is.
10. I am depressed coz I know that I am the reason why I'm in this rut in the first place.
11. I am a selfish, insensitive and cruel bitch.
12. I find no joy or meaning to anything I do any more.
13. I think I suffer from chronic depression.

Point 12 is mostly likely the main reason why I didn't turn to this blog earlier. I just didn't see the need or impulse to do so. My mind drew a blank everytime I thought about making an entry.

Point 13 kind of sums up why I'm feeling so shity now and for most of my pathetic life.

I am so constantly plagued by my own insecurities that it has rendered me socially handicapped. It takes a great deal out of me to be around people and having to interact with them. I can deal with mingling and entertaining in short spurts, but to do it constantly drains me. It strips away my ability to shield myself from self-doubt. I start to feel stupid and wit-less. When that happens I become increasingly short fused towards the ones closes to me, which only adds to the depress me further.

I hate myself. I hate my total lack of self-discipline. I hate my laziness. I hate my temper. I hate my pride. I hate my selfishness. I hate my inability to love others. I hate my constant discontentment. I hate my stupidity. I just hate myself.

I feel like such a fraud. A fake. A hypocrite.

No, not 'feel like'. I AM a fraud, a fake, a hypocrite.