Deprivation

Love and romance. I am so deprived of it.

Tenderness, affection, thoughtfulness, gentle sweet kisses, the palpitation of the heart when eyes meet and hands touch, the joy that comes out from deep down within the heart, a safe and secure embrace.

To fall in love again like I once did a long time ago. That is the deep yearning and longing in my heart that I feel everyday when I am with him. I see my chance at love slipping away day by day as I struggle to come to terms with having to spend the rest of my life with someone that I do not love but cannot leave.

I didn't fall in love with him. There was no strong emotional reaction of any kind at any point in our relationship. It was simply a decision of convenience at the time. Also a decision of defiance and denial.

There was a short respite and calm in our relationship for the past months since my last entry, hence the absence. But given the nature of the root of our problems, it was only a matter of time before I sought solace here once again.

Unobtainable Rest

I needed to go out. To get out of the house. But I had no place in particular to go. And so I wandered aimlessly down the street and around the stores.

I needed to talk to a friend. To chat and be cheered up. But I had no one to call. And so I walked alone and silently through the crowds of friends and couples on a night out.

I needed to write. To release all the thoughts and feelings that were messing with me. But I was outside and could not find an internet cafe or the like. And so I came home to a silent house where my only source of solace can be found.

I walked through the house trying to find a place to rest and write. But tonight there was nowhere for me to rest. Tonight there is no place here that I can call my sanctuary, my place of comfort and escape.

I had no choice but to settle at my desk. For the need to write tonight was just too great to delay any longer. This place was once my sanctuary and refuge. It shielded me from the harshness that were my responsibilities and provided me with an outlet for my inner turmoils. But now I can find no comfort here. It reminds me too much of what was taken from me so abruptly.

I can find no rest tonight. For my heart is in anguish and my mind is unsettled. Even writing has failed to calm me and ease my troubles as before.

A Desperate Housewife

I have been staring at my keyboard for the past few minutes thinking about what I should write about tonight. There are things in my head and in my heart that I wish to make sense of. But somehow I just can't find the words for them.

Maybe it is also because I don't feel as angsty or resentful or depressed these days any more. I think I have been so used to having all those feelings surface so easily that I don't know or have forgotten how to respond internally to being happy.

But am I really happy? I don't know.

I don't feel the pressure of responsibilities and deadlines anymore. I don't feel the sense of resentment towards him for nagging about work. So working relationship-wise I am feeling better off lately.

How about the emotional and physical relationship?

Maybe there is where my lingering sadness and doubt lies. We have not quarreled since he made the decision. We have not had any disagreements, heated words or unpleasantness. Things do seem pretty calm and smooth going. But it lacks the closeness that I felt sometimes when we are both working together. We do not see each other as often any more and that seems to have affected our conversations: we don't seem to be having much of them.

I can't really complain about the physical relationship since nothing has changed there. There is still no relationship. We have not had sex for I don't even remember how long. It could easily be 6 months. We used to at least fool around a little in bed with some hand or oral action. But even that has ceased.

In the beginning I used to think that perhaps I had to bear half the blame since it does take two to have sex. I thought that maybe I wasn't sexy enough. Or that I wasn't responding to him the way he likes somehow. Or that I was expecting too much from him. So I tried to dress differently, to wear sexier lingerie, to create more romantic moments, to listen to what he likes and respond as best I could and not to have any expectations. But nothing seems to work. Instead is made me feel worse about myself.

So I stopped. And he didn't seem to notice. I am beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with him. Or us. Have you ever heard of two married couple who are both healthy and on good terms with each other but have not had sex with each other for almost 6 months?

I do have my needs. And he must have his right? So how come we are not satisfying each other the way a married couple should be? Is he having an affair? I don't see the opportunity for him to have one. So what is it?

There were times, in the darker recesses of my mind where I have thought about having an affair myself. I thought about dressing up and going out and meeting other people, men in particular, and perhaps have a wild fling just so that my needs can be satisfied and that I am still attractive to other men.

But I can never bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to betray him and do to him what I do not wish for him to do to me. And so I come to this blog that have become my mental solace at times.

I am happy that I have more time to myself now and that we are on good terms. But something is still missing. We may appear to be happy on the surface but I know I am not truly happy. I really don't know about him. He seems rather content and happy with working everyday. And he appears to be happier about us not fighting anymore. But is he truly happy I can't tell.

I have asked him that question before and his answer was yes. And perhaps he really does have such simple needs and that he really is happy like he said. Perhaps I am reading too much into the situation and imposing my own complicated mind onto him and expecting him to think like I do.

In my paranoid mind I am beginning to think that this idea of taking the work away from me wasn't his idea. Maybe he has been telling someone else about how he isn't happy with the way I work and that person told him to 'fire' me. But so that I won't get suspicious, the other person also told him to make it look like it was his decision so that we can have a happier relationship. When he tells this person about how I had believed him and gave up my work, I can imagine this person chuckling and says 'See, I told you she would. And now you can have the freedom what you want and to do things your way.' To take the paranoia further, this person could very likely be another woman. Maybe that long time 'friend' of his that he is always so friendly with all the time.

Doesn't that sound like something you would read in a book or watch on TV? I think I have been watching too much soap operas and tv dramas. Talk about a desperate housewife.

No Subject

Do I really know what I want? Does anyone ever really know what they want?

I don't know what I want.

There are things that I want. But do I REALLY want them?

I am a contradiction. I am a living paradox.

My mind is a mess. It is jumbled with thoughts, ideas, dreams, words, images, notions, and blank spots.

I am sitting in the dark with only the light from my screen. I want to say something but the words do not come. I want to do something but the ideas do not present themselves.

I want to have purpose in my life but I don't know what it should be or how to get it.

I need to set priorities and goals but I don't know where to begin.

I want a life of luxury but I don't know how to get it.

I need guidance but I don't know where to look.

I need. I want. I must. I should. I can. I might.

Just words and yet they decide the mindset and the attitude.

Against Myself

For the past week and a half I have been thinking and researching about the business ideas that I have in mind. I am quite excited about the whole thing. But somehow at the back of my mind there is this nagging voice that constantly keeps telling me that I am just wasting my time.

I know that it takes a lot of hard work to start and maintain a business, no matter how small. I know that it will be even harder if I really choose to do it by myself, from purchasing to manufacturing to sales and delivery. Whenever I think about the hard work that will be involved once I begin this venture, half of me shudders and shrinks at the mere thought.

I hear the voice telling me that I will never make it, that I will never be able to take the immense responsibilities that I will have to shoulder once I embark on this. It tells me that I am just a lazy person who only wants to be able to sleep in late and do whatever I feel like doing whenever I feel like doing it. It tells me that I am only intrigued by the idea of starting my own business but have no idea about what it takes to really run a business. It keeps telling me that I am a fool and I won't be able to make it.

I realize that I have been giving in to that negative voice all my life. I have been listening to that voice and accepting what it says of me as truth even when the rest of me tell me otherwise. At times I fight back and ignore the negative statements only to fall again under its even stronger onslaught. My self esteem, self confidence, social skills, wit, mind and heart have all been beaten and trodden on by that nagging negative voice that resides oh so comfortably in the deep recesses of my mind. It is amazing that I have not developed into a mental patient with schizophrenia or something like that.

I don't want to feel lousy about myself anymore. I don't want to be ashamed or embarrassed when I tell people about what I do anymore. I hate that nagging voice part of myself. It is like a disease that will infect my entire being till the day I die or go crazy unless I do something to stop it.

I need to learn how to appreciate myself more. To be able to validate my own actions and be happy with it. I need to learn how not to rely entirely on the opinions of others. I need to stop looking for validation from others.

I need to learn how to stand up to the nagging voice inside my head and tell it shut up and go away.

And yet knowing I should do all those things does not help when the strength to do them is not there.

I want to do this but I am afraid. Afraid to fail. Afraid to hear the mocking voice saying 'I told you so'. Afraid that other might laugh at me and say 'that is so typical of you to give up'. I am just afraid.

Those who do support me can only do so much. I will need to be able to overcome myself. And that should prove to be the most difficult challenge I will face in starting my own business. Well actually in anything I choose to do really.

Me. The biggest obstacle that can get in my way of accomplishing anything.

Insecurities

I am feeling lost and insecure although I should be happy and relieved.

I got fired by my own husband. He has stopped me from helping in his business. The reason he gave for doing so was because he didn't want any further unhappiness between us over work related stuff. He said he would rather be a bit more stressed out and handle everything by himself again, so that he can have a happier wife and a better relationship.

Sounds really noble and caring of him doesn't it? Makes you want to go "Awww." right?

Well it SUCKS for me! Because by taking the 'job' away from me, he also took away my pay. Meaning I am now totally financially dependent on him. And by giving that reason, I became the 'bad guy', the reason that he will have to work harder.

I know I can do the job a lot better than he can. And I know that he knows it too. But he just can't take the way I work and I can't work the way he does. Thus the conflicts.

I never realized how much it meant to me to be able to control that part of the business until it was taken away from me. Now I just feel like the ground is going to fall out from under me anytime and I will have nothing to hang on to.

I feel like all the hard work that I have put into creating the system this past 2 years have been in vain. He wants to use his own system because he says he doesn't have the time to learn how mine works. When I saw how he was trying to sort out the pile of stuff that I had to pass over to him, I was really bothered. I am not sure how to identify what I felt. Maybe guilt of some sort, resentment perhaps, could be sadness also. It could be a combination of all those and others. But whatever it was it didn't feel too good. I kept thinking about how that was supposed to be my responsibility and how I would have been able to do a much better job.

My sense of security in him and in myself is greatly shaken because of this. It has caused questions about his motives behind the decision to form in my mind. I start wondering if he is trying to hide something from me. When I was handling the stuff in the company everything was open and transparent and I knew what was going on. I caught quite a number of items that were not accounted for properly and was able to question him about them so that things could be set back in order. But now I will have no idea what goes on in the business, I won't know how much or how little the business is making, I won't know his schedule as well as I used to, I won't know the people he goes out to meet as much as I used to.

And this sense of insecurity in him is greatly fueled by an incident that happened last year during my birthday which I failed to blog about here. In a nutshell, I found out he went out with another girl (supposedly a long time friend with no romantic history between them) and went to the movies (a show we were supposed to watch together) with her while I stayed at home thinking that he had errands to run and had work to do. He has since apologized many times and realized his mistake of not bringing me along that day. But the sting of finding out from the girl on the night of my birthday that my husband just spent the whole day with her still hurts and it has greatly shaken my confidence in myself and in him. (It has also totally destroyed what feeble friendly ties I had with that 'friend'.)

I hate the feeling of total dependency on him or on anyone.

I am at a loss of what I should do. I would like to have my own income source so that I won't be so dependent anymore. It just feels crappy to have to ask him for money. Especially when he is a really stingy person. On top of that, since I won't know how well the company is doing I can't shake the feeling of guilt from asking for money. My mom thinks it is only right that the husband should give the wife a monthly allowance regardless of her working status. But somehow I just don't feel comfortable doing that with the man. Maybe if he was more well off I would feel better taking his money and enjoying myself. But I know he won't be able to do that, at least not now. So I feel that I have not choice but to find an additional source of income for myself to supplement whatever amount he finally decides on giving me.

The current program I am in is good but because I don't have a big capital to start with the growth is slow. However from the earnings that I am getting, I hope to be able to start a small business for myself. But I am still unsure of what to embark on.

I have been spending hours on the internet trying to figure out my options. I just spent the whole evening at the bookstore reading through books trying to find out the direction I should be heading in.

Some people might say that I should be happy that I don't have to work for my money and that my husband is willing to take care of me. I should be relieved that I don't have to worry about work that never seems to end. Maybe if this was a perfect world and I was a perfect person.

But unfortunately this world is far from perfect and I am too screwed up to be any where near it.

I should probably just deal with it like everyone else does huh?

Dream Home

Everyday I look out of my window I see my dream home.

We can never afford it based on what we are doing.

But perhaps one day that dream might just come true.

Till then I shall continue to look out at it everyday.

Resolution?

The new year is almost here and I have not yet cleared the backlog of stuff from this year. I am so pathetic. I am also so tired of whining all the time about the pile of work I have yet to finish. How do I get my life back on track?

Things with the hubby have been going well lately. But how long will it last?

If there ever was a need for a book or article on 'How To Waste Time' or 'The Art of Procrastination' I'll probably be able to it.

What's my new year resolution?

Never to make one again. I've never been able to keep any resolution that I have made and it's depressing. I don't need another item on my list of things that is depressing to me.

Family Ties or Lies?

It really hurts when you are betrayed, let down or taken advantaged of, by someone you call family.

So what if they are an elder. Respect should go both ways right? Why should I be the one to constantly give in to them just because I came into this world several years later then them?

He still owes me a huge sum of money. Being the youngest and also young then, I was made to 'lend' him the money, which at that time was everything that I had. I was never given a fair choice. I was made to feel guilty if I had refused to part with my money then. I was always made to feel like I had an obligation to help him out because it was supposedly for the family.

Now after so many years, everytime I bring up the matter of him returning me my money he always said that he didn't have enough. Even though I suggested that he could pay me back in installments of $100 a month. But he could bring his family for holidays, buy a car, buy jewelry... etc.

He insisted on getting a cut when he recommended a 1-time deal to us. But when he got a huge on-going commission from a deal that I recommended he never once offered me anything.

And now I just learnt that he just took a client from me and claimed that he was entitled to the client because he was the one putting in the investments for the client. What a load of BULL SHIT!!

There are so many other such crap instances with him and the other one that sometimes it makes me wonder if I am right in defending my views on family unity and togetherness to my husband, who incidentally doesn't care much for family ties. In fact if I should bring this incident up to him, he would use it to reinforce his views.

What makes it more crappy is the fact that this came on an already slightly crappy tail end of a rather wonderful Christmas.

Sometimes I wished I could gather up the nerve to really tell them all off one by one without breaking down myself or allowing them to out talk me. There were times when the things that they say or do just gets me so fuming mad. But my mom did too damn good a job in drilling the importance of family harmony into me that I just shut my mouth and take the crap.

I wish I had a quick wit and a sharp tongue so that they will have no chance to out-talk, out-smart, or out-whatever me ever.

'Must Do' List VS 'Want To Do' List

I have so much to do but I don't want to do them!!

The more I think about the pile of work the more I procrastinate. I keep finding other non-important stuff to do... like blogging. Anything that is totally not work related has suddenly become so much more interesting and compelling.

To do list, in order of urgency:
1 - Clear up the HUGE mess on my desk!
2 - Accounting. (I've got a bunch of checks and cash sitting on my messy desk waiting to be accounted for and deposited!)
3 - Finish up the new website and prepare for uploading on 31 Dec and launching on 1 Jan. (I dun mind working on this once I can get the 1st 2 items out of the way)
4 - Start on and finish up on a project that is way way over due. (This is one of the most dreaded work stuff that I need to get done.)

There are other work related stuff that I want to be able to do once the above 4 items get cleared out of the way. They are, in no particular order:
- revamp my accounting system so that it is more automated and comprehensive.
- work on coming up with a comprehensive list of products and services that we provide as well as a standard price list for everything.
- have a better budgeting for the new year. Both personally and for the business.
- be more consistent and diligent in my filling.
- plan and implement the following: better work flow, better marketing and promotion strategies, better after-sales service.
hmmm... I think that's all I can think of for now.

As for stuff that I want to do for myself:
- develop my own portfolio more.
- find ways to give myself a life that does not only revolve around my work and husband.
- save enough money so that I give my parents another great holiday like I did only once before many years ago.
- find the courage and opportunity to go on a long holiday by myself as I have always wanted to.
- to become a full time student again but in a different country this time.

Such are the things (and many more) that crowd my mind, at times when I find the need to prioritize the urgent but yucky stuff so hard to do.

Procrastination

Incredible!

I just spent about 5 hours figuring out how to jazz up this blog instead of working on some seriously over due stuff. And the site still looks the same except for the slightly fancier title image and a few more links.

Talk about procrastinating.....

*Sigh!*

Back to trying to clear all the crap that is in front, to the left and to the right of me.

Year-end Reflections

I just realized that it's been 1 year since I started this blog. Time really flies.

Not sure if anyone bothered to read my entries or follow my few sporadic rants. But it doesn't really matter. This is where I come to dump thots and feelings that can't be shared with anyone I know anyway.

This being the end of another year, most people become reflective and ponder on what has happened in the year, and I am no different.

It has been a sad year for me. My career (if you can even call it that) has steadily spiraled downwards no matter what I tried to do to revive it. My marriage has come to a flat, boring and cold plateau (not that it was very exciting before). My circle of friends has dwindled to almost non-existent.

It doesn't sound very good but to be fair there were good times also.

I came in 1st in my Jap class exams and got the best student award. We went for a nice short holiday on a cruise and had a great time. My works were very appreciated and there were talks about the possibility of an exhibition in Europe. I found an independent source of income that could really boost my financial situation in the new year.

So actually things are not that grim afterall. I've got 1 more year in my prime and I intend to make full use of it!

Sweet Dreams

I had a really nice dream last night. It was also the very first time since I'd known my husband that I had a dream about us together.

I dreamt that we were on our way home in the night when it suddenly started to snow. The feeling was surreal since I knew that it's not possible to have snow in the tropics where I am, yet at the same time it somehow felt right.

It was magical. I felt like a child again and was giggling and smiling the whole time.

I wished I could have held onto that dream a little longer. But reality pushed it's harsh head through and brought me back to tasks that I dread to do and a life that I desperately want to change.

An Unrealized and Unfinished Dream From the Past

Something I wrote about 2 years ago. The feelings and longing that went into it are still as strong now as they were then. But it's been two years and I still can't finish the story. I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to find the ending.

It all became too much for her to bear. There was pressure from all sides. She felt isolated from her family. A little abandoned by them as well. She felt trapped in her relationship. She had no love for him yet she dared not leave him. She was afraid to let him down. She thought by marrying him she would learn to love him as much as he loved her. But she was wrong and the weight of that decision grows heavier as the days go by. Some days it was easier to bear. Some days she even thought she felt love for him and believed that all will be well after all. But it was all an illusion that fades all too quickly. As she went through her list of friends there wasn’t one that she could call upon for solace. She didn’t think they would understand. She didn’t want to bother them with her problems as they would no doubt have problems of their own to deal with. She felt incompetent at work as she sees the pile grow higher every day with no end in sight. She felt pinned under the increasing responsibility of maintaining and expanding the business. She was afraid of being indispensable. She felt chained.

She was alone, without help, without refuge, without support, with no way out.

She wanted to be free, to be happy, to love.

Disappearing for a few days, divorce, even suicide were ways of escaping that crossed her mind frequently. But there are always factors to hold her back, sensible, logical thoughts that kept her where she was. ‘Where would you go?’ ‘What would you do?’ ‘How would you survive?’ ‘How can you hurt those who love you?’ ‘How can you be so irresponsible?’ ‘Why are you so weak?’ ‘How can you be so selfish?’

Then one day it all became clear to her. She made up her mind, packed up some bare essentials and left. Leaving behind the people she cared about, a life she was familiar with, and half a lifetime of regrets, defeats, hurts and pains. She left without a word, offering no explanations, no reasons, no goodbyes, nothing. She wanted it that way. The only string she left attached was her marriage. She could not bear to severe the one thing that brought her genuine joy and love, even if it lasted only for a short while.

She decided to leave the country as she knew that it was the only way she could start afresh. Traveling around half the globe and using up almost all that she had, she arrived at a new place, full of uncertainties, strangers, dangers and anonymity.

But she knew where she needed to go and what she wanted to do.

Feeling the sudden urge to get to her destination quickly, she decided to run. She ran, and she ran, and as she ran she felt free. For the first time in her life she felt unbounded, unchained, unburdened, she was free. And so she ran with all her heart. There was a big smile on her face as she ran, and as she ran the smile turned into laughter.

All too soon she arrived at the end of her run. Panting from exertion and shivering with anticipation she approached the gates.

Heartache

How did I end up marrying someone I don't love?

He takes good care of me and he loves me. But I have no deep feelings for him. I don't really care much when he isn't around.

My heart lies with someone who has already fallen in love with another and has taken her as a wife.

I have been in denial all these years about my feelings for him. I thought I have already gotten over him. Thought I could get over him by meeting someone else.

I was wrong.

It still hurts when I think back to those times. I still dream of him from time to time.

My husband is a good companion. He is intelligent and we can have really engaging conversations. He is hardworking and works hard to provide for us. He makes an effort to remember my quirks and takes care of me.

Yet my heart remains neutral when I think about as romantically. I wish I could love him as deeply as I loved the other. I longed to feel the excitement and passion but it doesn't happen.

Everyday I tell myself that I need to give us more time, to give myself more time. I want to learn to love him. To care for him as a wife. But I can't.

Am I really still in love with the other? It's been so many years. Do I still love him or am I still in love with the idea of being with him? I know I miss the times we have spent together. I know that I was willing to do almost anything for him then but I am not willing to give in much to my husband now. I felt hurt and jealous when I heard he was getting married.

I feel so pathetic.

I thought that things were getting better. I really thought it was.

Why am I feeling so shitty now?

Parent - Child Bonding

My dad was sent to get a Cardiac Catheterization, also know as an angiogram, done yesterday morning. When my mum told me about the test I was both worried and afraid. Worried if he was going to be ok and afraid that there would be something wrong.

It was actually a routine and fairly simply procedure that he had to undergo. Since my dad is diabetic, the doctor got worried when he experienced mild chest pains after a Treadmill Stress Test. Well long story short we were all relieved when the test showed that all is well with my dad's heart and he was discharged the same day with no complications.

During the few days before the procedure the possibility of losing my dad was brought to the forefront of my mind. Everytime my thoughts stray to the possibility and what would it be like not having him around, my chest tightens up and my eyes start to tear. I love both my parents dearly and the mere thought of losing either one of them hurts me to the core. I can't imagine permanently not having either one of them around. I know that that is unavoidable and eventually the Lord will take them back to Him. But it still hurts nonetheless.

I was able to spend some time with my mum while we waited for my dad to be discharged. It was great and I realized how much I missed spending time with her. I would have liked to spend the evening having dinner with both my mum and dad but I had to rush back to work after sending them home. I won't be able to see them for a while unless we are able to take some time out to go over for dinner which is quite unlikely at least for the next week.

I hope that when my husband and I have kids they will love us as much as I love my parents. But then on the other hand I hope that we will be able and willing to sacrifice for and love our children as much as my parents did for me and my brothers.

Full Score!

I scored 100/100 with 7 bonus points to boot on my Jap test on Thur!!

I've thinking about how to write this down but Inothing seemed to work better than that.

It's been so long I can't even remember when I last scored full marks on a test. It felt really good. Even though it's just a simple end semester test and only still at level 1, it still felt great!

Just needed to document this moment before I lose it among all the crap in my life.

Yay!!!

Baby Blues

It seems like almost everyone I know around my age group already have kids, just gave birth or are about to give birth.

There are babies and toddlers everywhere. It started about 3 years ago I think. First you hear a string of so-and-so getting married to so-and-so. It seems that everyone is getting married. Then the next thing you know its 'so-and-so is pregnant', 'oh, so-n-so has given birth'...yada yada yada...

It is said to be a natural course of life and the God ordained path once a couple joins in holy matrimony. To have children is meant to be a blessing and is meant to bring great joy. To my friends who have become parents shortly after getting married, that is true.

Yet why do I feel pressured into having a child rather than supported? Pressured by social norms, traditional views and religious reasons. Whenever I said that both my husband and I are not ready for a child yet, I am faced with disbelieving and shocked expressions. It was like as if I had said something foul. The more understanding ones will try to play the counselor and start trying to psycho-analyze our decision as diplomatically as they now how.

I like kids when they are obedient and displays some intelligence. I have very low tolerance of noisy, bratty, rude, inconsiderate and stupid kids. The sort that runs around like a crowded restaurant yelling at the top of their voices, the sort that retorts back at you when told to follow instructions, the sort that pushes their way into a crowded elevator as others are trying to get out, the sort that runs headlong into someone because they weren't looking at where they were heading and then looking up at the person with a startled and non-comprehending expression.

But after having said all that, I do conceded that most of the time it isn't entirely the kid's fault. The parents/legal guardian are as much if not more to blame for the behavior of the child in public or around others.

I strongly believe that a child's upbringing and discipline should be the sole responsibility of the parents/ guardian. Not maids, teachers or grandparents (unless they are the guardians). I know that some might say that I should not make such a sweeping statement. There are always other factors to consider, like divorce, death or abuse. But if we were to trace the root of the problem it most often then not will lead back to the parents.

Being parents is an enormous responsibility. It isn't just providing the physical and material needs of another being. But to nurture the emotional, mental and spiritual needs as well. How a child behaves in public depends on how well these needs are met.

I am intimidated by such a responsibility. I am afraid of my own inability to nurture my child into an engaging, obedient, considerate and intelligent individual.

How can I take care of someone who will be so utterly dependent on me for a good 18-20 years when I can't even take care of myself? As well as my unresolved dilemma regarding my marriage and my feelings toward my husband.

How can I bring a child into such a situation?

As much as I would like to have a child of my own, I won't have one unless I know that I love my husband enough to stick with him till death do us part and unless I know that my husband is ready and willing to become a father. At least then I'll know that I won't be alone in process and that our child will be conceived in love and will be brought up with love.

Time: 7.30am

Divine Grace

Things have taken a 180 degree turn since the last time I wrote.

I gave in and we made up shortly after the last entry.

We just came back from an amazing, well deserved and well spent holiday.

I started making time to spend some quiet time with God at the start of every day after we made up. I didn't realize how dry and hungry my heart and soul was for the Lord's word until I started reading the passages. Being able to continue spending such quiet time during our holiday was truly God's grace. I use 2 different daily guides and I am still amazed at how the same message runs through both guides every day.

My relationship with my husband has also improved. I pray that it will get better.

Whatever doubts I had about my marriage and my feelings for my husband I submit them to God's will daily as I read His word. It is actually quite liberating to pray for His will to be done and His purpose for me and us to be fulfilled and not dwell on things I don't know and have not control over.

I pray that this is not just a phase like so many other attempts I have made in the past. I need to remember that I shouldn't rely on my own strength and understanding. That's a sure way to loose steam and become discouraged.

2.00am

Pride and Prejudice

Me and my stupid pride.

I don't know what to do about the situation with him.

Well actually I know what can be done but I am so reluctant to do it. To give in and accept his apologies and make up would mean swallowing my pride.

Sounds rather stupid really. And pathetic too.

The situation is ridiculous. I'm not speaking to him or acknowledging his presence or answering his questions. He is hurt and at a loss for what to do. He was actually desperate enough to call my parent for help. They came over on Wednesday on some pretext to see what's going on. Then my dad came over yesterday to try to talk to me and find out what happened.

Instead of helping matters the conversation with my dad set off a new wave of depression and self loathing. It was all I can do to stop myself from bawling when my father stroked my head like when I was a little girl.

Now my parents are involved in this and they must be really worried, especially my mum. How do I tell them that everything was my own stupid fault?

How do I explain that because I can't stand stupidity and lack of initiative in myself, I am also unable to accept that he displays an even greater level of the very traits I detest?

I so want to reconcile and stop the silent treatment. But whenever I am near him or hear his voice I feel the irritation rise up from within. Every little thing that he does simply got on my nerves. I can't believe how stupid he can be.

I am lying on my side on the bed watching tv when he came back. Out of his concern for me he bought dinner knowing that I probably hadn't eaten. And then he promptly placed the tray and bag of food infront of me totally blocking my view of the screen. Normally I would have sat up so that I could continue watching and eat at the same time. But this time I was shocked and somewhat disgusted at his lack of observation. I laid there for a few minutes waiting to see if he realized the problem. But being the careless, insensitive, unobservant and thick-headed idiot that he is, he didn't notice.

I had asked him several times throughout the past 2 months for some of last year's accounting info. He suddenly remembered that the deadline was nearing but he had forgotten which months I had needed. So he happily asked me to tell him what was it that I needed. Now if it was specific information I can understand why he would need to ask me. But all I needed were all of the monthly totals for last year. What I am getting at is his seeming inability to think through a problem by himself. He knew that I needed figures for all 12 months. He also knew that I already have the figures for some of the months. He just could not remember which are the months that I needed from him. Why couldn't he have simply given me the figures of which ever months he had? The worst that can happen is and over lap in information, in which case I can handle easily on my end. That's what I mean by the inability to think for himself and solve the problem.

I realize that I have no respect for him at all and I don't trust him to make sound decisions regarding most issues. I feel digusted by him and the way he behaves.

I have difficulties submitting to him simply because I don't trust him. In my eyes he is a weak little boy that is so needy all the time.

I am selfish and proud. But my pride is only my way of shielding my low self-esteem.

Having said all that, how do I make up with him and stop the silent treatment?

Time:3.58am