I hate it when I have an emotional outburst. It leaves me feeling vulnerable and weak. It is embarrassing for me. And I hate to be embarrassed.
I remember when I was about 7 or 8 my palm got smacked by the teacher for not learning my spelling. I felt totally humiliated in front of the whole class and searing pain on my palm didn't help in keeping myself under control. I was fighting so hard not to cry but as I clutched my hand against my stomach the tears started flowing. The teacher got worried when she saw me cry and came over to asked if my hand hurt. Being embarrassed enough as well as being too proud to admit that she was right I lied. I covered my embarrassment by claiming to be having a bad stomach ache. My tears didn't stop so the teacher bought it and carried me down to sick bay. Everyone believed I was really suffering from a stomach ache. Even my parents. But till this day I've never told anyone the truth about what happened.
As I grew up there were countless other times where I'd had to cover up my embarrassment. I don't remember them now. I didn't want to remember them.
I get embarrassed when a weakness of mine is exposed. I get embarrassed even infront of my parents.
My defense is anger. I turn on anyone who has the misfortune of being around when it happened. Those most badly affected are always those close to me. I'll never release my anger and frustration out on friends. They don't want to know this side of me.
Feeling incompetent and not doing a good job gets to me the most. When I perceive that that is how I am being assessed it just sparks off inside me.
When I get questioned over why things are not getting done when the reason is because of my own incompetence, it goes off.
When questioned to explain my behaviour which from my perspective will cause me more embarrassment, it goes off.
When I'm being humoured and coaxed to calm down and respond which to me is admitting defeat, it goes off.
I don't know how I became the way I am. When I tried to recall back on my formative years to try and get an clue as to what could have happened my mind draws a blank. It is as if the memories got erased. I see fleeting images and remember bits and pieces but always nothing substantive. My recount of the school incident is one of the few traumatic memories that I have.
I remember being terrified when the nurses tried to stick a tube into my nose when I was 4.
I remember getting my thumb slammed by the closing front door when I was about 4 or 5.
I remember being devastated when I was cut from the school dance performance of the year because I was sick and missed a practice when I was about 7.
I remember my grandfather passing away when I was 9.
I remember being terrified when my elder brothers started fighting while my parents were out when I was about 10.
I remember my grandmother passing away when I was 12.
After that everything just sort of meddled into one huge blur until when I turned 19. The memories since then are still fresh and vivid in my mind whether I want them to be or not. There are some memories I'd rather push back and have it meld with the puddle that made up my teen years.
I am such a messed up person inside. I should never have agreed to marry him or anyone else for that matter. At least not until I straightened myself out. It is unfair for me to dump the burden of me onto him unawares. He absolutely had no idea what he was getting himself into when he proposed. I often wonder if he ever regretted the decision as I frequently have.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
P.M.S. Blow Up
Blew up at him on Sunday over a seemingly small and legitimate request (now on hindsight) and has hardly spoken to him since. It started out as irritation at him for making the request at that time, it got progressively worst as he began to nag (from my POV), by now I was feeling really pissed off and pointedly ignored him like I always do. After so many such conflicts and occurrences, I was, and still am, disappointed that he still doesn't notice the warning and danger signs that I give out under such happenings. I've tried telling him in more peaceful times about how I react and what best to do in such situations. But somehow it just doesn't seem to have gotten through to him.
Normally I would have simply continued to ignore him until I can find some solitude to calm down. This time it turned out quite differently. His non-stop talking and questions and remarks were really getting on my already severely grated nerves.
First I tried to tune out his voice as usual. It didn't work. Then I tried to get away by locking myself in our bedroom so that I can be by myself for a while. But he won't let me.
I was really frustrated and extremely pissed off by then. I stormed out to the hall in the hopes of putting at least a bit more distance between me and that annoying voice of his. All the time he just kept right on questioning, nagging, talking, accusing:
"Why are you being so unreasonable?";
"I can't understand why you are behaving like that.";
"I talking to you. Don't ignore me, it's rude.";
"Why can't you just do that for me? It doesn't take very long.";
"You can do it later after we come back from dinner.";
... just to list a few lines.
I can't remember what was the last thing he said that made me snap. I only remember his voice became muffled and the next thing I knew I spun around and began yelling back at him. But I remember clearly the first words out of my mouth: "Then kill me. Get rid of me."
The thoughts and words came bubbling up from inside. Things that I've felt but never allowed myself to voice out. My self-doubt, insecurities, emotions. It all just came out in clear words. No longer just thoughts within my mind. For once I was speaking the truth from my heart to him.
(Forgot to mention earlier that I was fell sick on Fri and still wasn't feeling all to well yet on Sun. Added to my irritation since I felt he was being insensitive.)
It was quite pathetic really. I started out being pissed off at him. But ended up beating myself up.
I am still not talking to him unless absolutely necessary. I've refused to let him touch me and I won't look at him. To him I am still angry at him for some reason that he just can't figure out. He has tried to make up with me. He apologized for being stupid and insensitive on Sunday many times over. Kept saying he loves me and missed me. Kept trying to get me talk to him and to make up.
From the outside and just reading these lines it may seem really sweet. But given the stated of my emotions it was like pouring oil on fire. The more he did the more difficult it was for me to cope and come to terms with myself again and what happened.
I am embarrassed at my outburst.
I am a strange person. I need to be away from people close to me when I am in the state that I am in. But yet I am not an outdoor person. Before I married and moved out, my room was my refuge from everyone. My parents knew to leave me alone when my mood changed. But unfortunately I didn't realized just how important having that refuge was to me.
I had always thought and wished that I would someday fall in love with someone and be loved back in return so completely that I won't need the refuge anymore. I knew when I got married that this relationship was far from what I had hoped. For starters I wasn't even sure I loved him at all. I married him for all the stupid reasons: I was lazy, It was convenient, He asked, The idea of getting married was exciting.
Actually I have only myself to blame for the predicament that I'm in.
It is now 7.18 in the morning. I've stayed up all night at the computer telling myself I need to get my work done. But I've done anything but work. I'm in shit and it gets deeper by every minute that passes until I finish the projects on hand. They are all extremely long over due.
Started up the program only to stare at the clips with an enormous reluctance to do anything to it. Various other things to do kept coming to mind. And finally I find myself here, at this point of my entry. I've spent over an hour putting all these down.
I can't even shrivel up and die even if I wanted to. At least not until I have fulfilled my freaking responsibilities to the clients. Sometimes I wish I was working for someone else instead. At least there are proper hours, weekends and off days. But I know I won't be able to stay long in on place though. I'm too damn lazy for my own good. I won't be able to get up at 6 am every morning to get to work.
I need help. In more areas than just with work:
- Work,
- House chores, (although he does most of it)
- Mental health,
- Emotional stability,
- Interpersonal relationships,
.... just to name some.
I just found out today the possible main reason for what happened on Sunday. I didn't realize that I was going through my monthly bout of PMS.
Sometimes it sucks to be a woman. But only sometimes.
It is now 7.38am.
Normally I would have simply continued to ignore him until I can find some solitude to calm down. This time it turned out quite differently. His non-stop talking and questions and remarks were really getting on my already severely grated nerves.
First I tried to tune out his voice as usual. It didn't work. Then I tried to get away by locking myself in our bedroom so that I can be by myself for a while. But he won't let me.
I was really frustrated and extremely pissed off by then. I stormed out to the hall in the hopes of putting at least a bit more distance between me and that annoying voice of his. All the time he just kept right on questioning, nagging, talking, accusing:
"Why are you being so unreasonable?";
"I can't understand why you are behaving like that.";
"I talking to you. Don't ignore me, it's rude.";
"Why can't you just do that for me? It doesn't take very long.";
"You can do it later after we come back from dinner.";
... just to list a few lines.
I can't remember what was the last thing he said that made me snap. I only remember his voice became muffled and the next thing I knew I spun around and began yelling back at him. But I remember clearly the first words out of my mouth: "Then kill me. Get rid of me."
The thoughts and words came bubbling up from inside. Things that I've felt but never allowed myself to voice out. My self-doubt, insecurities, emotions. It all just came out in clear words. No longer just thoughts within my mind. For once I was speaking the truth from my heart to him.
(Forgot to mention earlier that I was fell sick on Fri and still wasn't feeling all to well yet on Sun. Added to my irritation since I felt he was being insensitive.)
It was quite pathetic really. I started out being pissed off at him. But ended up beating myself up.
I am still not talking to him unless absolutely necessary. I've refused to let him touch me and I won't look at him. To him I am still angry at him for some reason that he just can't figure out. He has tried to make up with me. He apologized for being stupid and insensitive on Sunday many times over. Kept saying he loves me and missed me. Kept trying to get me talk to him and to make up.
From the outside and just reading these lines it may seem really sweet. But given the stated of my emotions it was like pouring oil on fire. The more he did the more difficult it was for me to cope and come to terms with myself again and what happened.
I am embarrassed at my outburst.
I am a strange person. I need to be away from people close to me when I am in the state that I am in. But yet I am not an outdoor person. Before I married and moved out, my room was my refuge from everyone. My parents knew to leave me alone when my mood changed. But unfortunately I didn't realized just how important having that refuge was to me.
I had always thought and wished that I would someday fall in love with someone and be loved back in return so completely that I won't need the refuge anymore. I knew when I got married that this relationship was far from what I had hoped. For starters I wasn't even sure I loved him at all. I married him for all the stupid reasons: I was lazy, It was convenient, He asked, The idea of getting married was exciting.
Actually I have only myself to blame for the predicament that I'm in.
It is now 7.18 in the morning. I've stayed up all night at the computer telling myself I need to get my work done. But I've done anything but work. I'm in shit and it gets deeper by every minute that passes until I finish the projects on hand. They are all extremely long over due.
Started up the program only to stare at the clips with an enormous reluctance to do anything to it. Various other things to do kept coming to mind. And finally I find myself here, at this point of my entry. I've spent over an hour putting all these down.
I can't even shrivel up and die even if I wanted to. At least not until I have fulfilled my freaking responsibilities to the clients. Sometimes I wish I was working for someone else instead. At least there are proper hours, weekends and off days. But I know I won't be able to stay long in on place though. I'm too damn lazy for my own good. I won't be able to get up at 6 am every morning to get to work.
I need help. In more areas than just with work:
- Work,
- House chores, (although he does most of it)
- Mental health,
- Emotional stability,
- Interpersonal relationships,
.... just to name some.
I just found out today the possible main reason for what happened on Sunday. I didn't realize that I was going through my monthly bout of PMS.
Sometimes it sucks to be a woman. But only sometimes.
It is now 7.38am.
Friday, February 04, 2005
To Do List
- Laundry
- Digitizing KJ's video footages
- Listening to KJ's song selection
- Editing KJ's video footages
- Wrapping up Jan accounts
- Sort out bills, invoices, statements and receipts for Jan and Feb
- Key in latest balance payment
- Send out Jan statement of accounts to clients
- Generate quotation to C&C for 15 Feb
- Generate quotation to IMC for 25 Feb
- Generate deposit statements for 2 couples
- Answer course emails
- Prepare customized course content for SWA
- Issue cheque payment to CZ
- Buy baskets for CZ, CHC, TWGS and KC
- Clean up desk
- Clear up surrounding area of desk
- Review above items and generate another to do list
Monday, January 31, 2005
He Deserves Better
He deserves someone who loves and cherishes him. Not someone like me who treats him so heartlessly.
When he is not feeling well or is tired, I feel no sympathy or worry for him anymore. When he cries out in pain I get irritated not worried. When he yells at the sight of a gecko I frown and get frustrate because it only means that I have to hunt down and kill the damn thing, even if it takes all night.
There is more resentment in my heart for him than love.
He does try in his own way to make me happy. But it's not what I want. He is not what I want. He is not what I need. And with feelings like these, I am not good for him. But why can't he see that? Or is he refusing to see it? Why is he so adamant in loving me?
I don't feel secure with him. In fact I feel like I have to look out for us all the time. Whenever I tried to let him be the 'man' and take the lead, things go wrong.
He needs someone who is more secure in themselves and who doesn't mind taking the lead most of the time.
I'm not like that. I need to know that my partner is able to take care of me and himself. I need to be able to feel safe when we go out or when I'm in his arms. I need to be able to look up to my partner. I need to know that it's ok even if I don't know the way or if I didn't notice the turn, because he was looking out for it as well.
We should be able to share some common ideals, beliefs, goals and mindsets. But I don't feel like we do. We share nothing in common. We don't see eye to eye on most matters. Sometimes he compromises to me just to avoid another argument. Most of the time I simply shut up and walk away before I end up saying something that shouldn't be said.
There is no mutual understanding. I don't really understand him and he definitely doesn't understand me.
As the days go by I am finding it more and more difficult to trust in him anymore. Not that he will be unfaithful to me, he has an incredibly low sex drive, but more like I don't trust his ability to make sound decisions. I find myself second guessing him all the time and I hate it. I need to be able to trust my partner, my husband. But most of the time my mind will yell out at him, "You stupid idiot! Why the hell did you do that for?!" or "Why can't you use your own brain and think for yourself!" But I always bite my tongue and stop from screaming out at him. I know that once certain things get said out loud it can never be taken back.
I cringe from his touch now. It feels awkward to even hold hands when we go out. When we hug I feel like I'm hugging a friend.
This is not how a marriage is suppose to be.
How did it come to this?
When he is not feeling well or is tired, I feel no sympathy or worry for him anymore. When he cries out in pain I get irritated not worried. When he yells at the sight of a gecko I frown and get frustrate because it only means that I have to hunt down and kill the damn thing, even if it takes all night.
There is more resentment in my heart for him than love.
He does try in his own way to make me happy. But it's not what I want. He is not what I want. He is not what I need. And with feelings like these, I am not good for him. But why can't he see that? Or is he refusing to see it? Why is he so adamant in loving me?
I don't feel secure with him. In fact I feel like I have to look out for us all the time. Whenever I tried to let him be the 'man' and take the lead, things go wrong.
He needs someone who is more secure in themselves and who doesn't mind taking the lead most of the time.
I'm not like that. I need to know that my partner is able to take care of me and himself. I need to be able to feel safe when we go out or when I'm in his arms. I need to be able to look up to my partner. I need to know that it's ok even if I don't know the way or if I didn't notice the turn, because he was looking out for it as well.
We should be able to share some common ideals, beliefs, goals and mindsets. But I don't feel like we do. We share nothing in common. We don't see eye to eye on most matters. Sometimes he compromises to me just to avoid another argument. Most of the time I simply shut up and walk away before I end up saying something that shouldn't be said.
There is no mutual understanding. I don't really understand him and he definitely doesn't understand me.
As the days go by I am finding it more and more difficult to trust in him anymore. Not that he will be unfaithful to me, he has an incredibly low sex drive, but more like I don't trust his ability to make sound decisions. I find myself second guessing him all the time and I hate it. I need to be able to trust my partner, my husband. But most of the time my mind will yell out at him, "You stupid idiot! Why the hell did you do that for?!" or "Why can't you use your own brain and think for yourself!" But I always bite my tongue and stop from screaming out at him. I know that once certain things get said out loud it can never be taken back.
I cringe from his touch now. It feels awkward to even hold hands when we go out. When we hug I feel like I'm hugging a friend.
This is not how a marriage is suppose to be.
How did it come to this?
Internal Turmoil
Actually I'm feeling rather half hearted about making this entry. I have many issues to put down and yet I have none. The thoughts are chasing around in my head again. I hate it when this happens. Before I can finish with one thought, idea, emotion or reaction another one comes rushing in. It's difficult to concentrate when my mind is in such internal turmoil.
*Sigh!*
Perhaps it's because I didn't pen(or in this case type) down my thoughts/emotions frequently enough to keep up with my seemingly hyperactive neurons. There was no outlet for them so they chase each other around the playground, which happens to be my mind, to amuse themselves.
Ok let me try and sort things out a bit....
(in no particular order... yet)
Point 13 kind of sums up why I'm feeling so shity now and for most of my pathetic life.
I am so constantly plagued by my own insecurities that it has rendered me socially handicapped. It takes a great deal out of me to be around people and having to interact with them. I can deal with mingling and entertaining in short spurts, but to do it constantly drains me. It strips away my ability to shield myself from self-doubt. I start to feel stupid and wit-less. When that happens I become increasingly short fused towards the ones closes to me, which only adds to the depress me further.
I hate myself. I hate my total lack of self-discipline. I hate my laziness. I hate my temper. I hate my pride. I hate my selfishness. I hate my inability to love others. I hate my constant discontentment. I hate my stupidity. I just hate myself.
I feel like such a fraud. A fake. A hypocrite.
No, not 'feel like'. I AM a fraud, a fake, a hypocrite.
*Sigh!*
Perhaps it's because I didn't pen(or in this case type) down my thoughts/emotions frequently enough to keep up with my seemingly hyperactive neurons. There was no outlet for them so they chase each other around the playground, which happens to be my mind, to amuse themselves.
Ok let me try and sort things out a bit....
(in no particular order... yet)
- The ever increasing stress level to complete three jobs that will mark my final projects in that field.
- The first dateline for the above projects is in 7 days and I've not yet been able to start on it.
- My desk is constantly in a mess.
- I have no life.
- I cringe from the touch of my husband.
- I get extremely irritable when I'm with him.
- I get annoyed and disgusted at his seeming inability to withstand pain.
- I get annoyed at how attention seeking he can be.
- I am frustrated that my life and marriage is turning out the way it is.
- I am depressed coz I know that I am the reason why I'm in this rut in the first place.
- I am a selfish, insensitive and cruel bitch.
- I find no joy or meaning to anything I do any more.
- I think I suffer from chronic depression.
Point 13 kind of sums up why I'm feeling so shity now and for most of my pathetic life.
I am so constantly plagued by my own insecurities that it has rendered me socially handicapped. It takes a great deal out of me to be around people and having to interact with them. I can deal with mingling and entertaining in short spurts, but to do it constantly drains me. It strips away my ability to shield myself from self-doubt. I start to feel stupid and wit-less. When that happens I become increasingly short fused towards the ones closes to me, which only adds to the depress me further.
I hate myself. I hate my total lack of self-discipline. I hate my laziness. I hate my temper. I hate my pride. I hate my selfishness. I hate my inability to love others. I hate my constant discontentment. I hate my stupidity. I just hate myself.
I feel like such a fraud. A fake. A hypocrite.
No, not 'feel like'. I AM a fraud, a fake, a hypocrite.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
My Current Obsession
Recently I've been strangely obsessed with a particular Japanese manga series. I've spent hours reading the translated chapters online and then more hours searching for other information about the story and then some more hours searching for and reading fanfiction based on the characters. I'm beginning to buy the graphic novel even though I know it's going to cost me quite a bit to collect all the volumes.
I've wondered about why I'm so obsessed with this one particular series. I've never been much of a manga fan. I've enjoyed some of the more intriguing anime movies but no one series has ever caught my attention and held it for so long.
And then I realized the attraction this particular story held for me. The immediate attraction was the fact that it was totally impossible and unreal, it gave an escape from my own realities. But what held me were the two central characters. The relationship and bond between them, the unspoken emotions that they felt (but were conveniently explained to the readers), the struggles that they faced about each other and themselves. It also helped that the male lead is really cool and cute.
I know that the description I just typed fits a lot of stories and movies around. So why is this one so special? Frankly I'm not sure myself. I just feel drawn into the story and I can picture the scenes and hear the conversations and exchanges as I read the text. Watching the anime version helps a lot when reading the manga, especially in the voicing and sound effects.
I know I'm obsessed when it's the last thing I think about when I go to bed, it's the first thing that comes to mind when I wake up, the names and story are constantly in my mind throughout the day, I had even wished I could dream about the characters and the story in my sleep.
But although I know that I'm totally engrossed in the story, I'm reluctant to stop. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Perhaps it will just fade through time as I move on or grow up some more.
Whatever it is, as least for the time being I have a place to retreat to and hide away from my responsibilities, unhappiness and husband.
I've wondered about why I'm so obsessed with this one particular series. I've never been much of a manga fan. I've enjoyed some of the more intriguing anime movies but no one series has ever caught my attention and held it for so long.
And then I realized the attraction this particular story held for me. The immediate attraction was the fact that it was totally impossible and unreal, it gave an escape from my own realities. But what held me were the two central characters. The relationship and bond between them, the unspoken emotions that they felt (but were conveniently explained to the readers), the struggles that they faced about each other and themselves. It also helped that the male lead is really cool and cute.
I know that the description I just typed fits a lot of stories and movies around. So why is this one so special? Frankly I'm not sure myself. I just feel drawn into the story and I can picture the scenes and hear the conversations and exchanges as I read the text. Watching the anime version helps a lot when reading the manga, especially in the voicing and sound effects.
I know I'm obsessed when it's the last thing I think about when I go to bed, it's the first thing that comes to mind when I wake up, the names and story are constantly in my mind throughout the day, I had even wished I could dream about the characters and the story in my sleep.
But although I know that I'm totally engrossed in the story, I'm reluctant to stop. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Perhaps it will just fade through time as I move on or grow up some more.
Whatever it is, as least for the time being I have a place to retreat to and hide away from my responsibilities, unhappiness and husband.
Monday, January 10, 2005
Futile Yearnings
I was a fool to think that I was noble enough to accept him being shorter and physically smaller than me. I was such a fool.
I can't accept it!
How I long to have a strong chest to lean against when I'm standing up. To be hugged by strong arms. To feel safe and protected.
I will always have this shadow in my heart as long as I'm with him. The only time I can hope to deceive myself into seeking comfort in his arms is when we are in bed, when our difference in height is not that apparent, when I can pretend that he is taller than me.
How do I put into words the pain, the longing and the guilt that I feel everyday.
I can't accept it!
How I long to have a strong chest to lean against when I'm standing up. To be hugged by strong arms. To feel safe and protected.
I will always have this shadow in my heart as long as I'm with him. The only time I can hope to deceive myself into seeking comfort in his arms is when we are in bed, when our difference in height is not that apparent, when I can pretend that he is taller than me.
How do I put into words the pain, the longing and the guilt that I feel everyday.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
A Name and Our Silence
As I surf around other blogs I noticed one thing: most if not all of them have interesting names/titles. Then I looked at mine and realize how simple and boring my blog title is. But I can't seem to come up with anything interesting and is true to the meaning and purpose of the site. So I guess My Thotz will remain as is for now.
==
I wish I didn't have to come home tonight. Actually it doesn't feel like home at all. There's no warmth in this house.
We haven't spoken a word to each other the entire day. He's in front of me working on his computer while talking to his friend on the phone. And I'm in front of my computer making this entry. We didn't greet each other when I came back earlier. I couldn't even bring myself to look in his direction.
To be honest I'm not sure what happened. I don't even remember why I'm angry. But somehow I can't bring myself to start talking to him. He's not talking to me either.
==
I wish I didn't have to come home tonight. Actually it doesn't feel like home at all. There's no warmth in this house.
We haven't spoken a word to each other the entire day. He's in front of me working on his computer while talking to his friend on the phone. And I'm in front of my computer making this entry. We didn't greet each other when I came back earlier. I couldn't even bring myself to look in his direction.
To be honest I'm not sure what happened. I don't even remember why I'm angry. But somehow I can't bring myself to start talking to him. He's not talking to me either.
Insights
Playing the victim and wallowing in self pity and puffed up indignation is strangely comfortable.
That realization came from a most unexpected source: a Japanese anime called The Twelve Kingdoms. One of the characters was in and argument with another over who has endured the most sufferings in their lives when one of them rebuked the other by pointing out that no one actually suffers more than others, everyone feels pain equally. But if the pain or suffering was really bad, she (one of the characters) would have really tried ways to get out of the situation instead of always lamenting and blaming others. The fact was that by playing the victim was a more comfortable state of mind to be in, than to have to take responsibility for herself.
That struck a cord with me. Made me wonder if I was doing the same thing. The more I thought about it, the more likely it became. Often times when faced with difficult situations or uncomfortable confrontations, especially if I had to explain myself or my actions, I turn around and assume the mindset and attitude of a someone who was victimized. It justified my thoughts and actions. It allowed me to shrink from my responsibilities and the consequences of my own actions.
But I suppose that's our basic human nature: to shift the blame of anything unpleasant to something or someone else but ourselves. That's the legacy that was left to us by Adam and Eve.
realizing something and actually acting upon it are town entirely different things. I admit that I will continue 'playing victim' because the thought of carrying blame and facing up to my faults is just too much bear. I'm a coward and a hypocrite.
==
My mind is always on what has happened or what might happen, but it is never on what is happening now. That's where all my regrets come from: by not paying attention to the now and doing what needs to be done or doing what's right.
==
How can I expect others to understand me when I don't understand myself most of the time?
That's a question that I asked myself many years ago when I first became aware that I have a problem coping socially. I asked that again today as it has become relevant again.
==
I argue with myself so much that many of the things that I initially wanted to write down have now either become null or confused. I started many sentences before this one but I can never complete them. Just deleted another start of a sentence.
==
I am dwelling. I feel better now after dumping all that in here. I feel like thinking about the holidays I've been on now.
That realization came from a most unexpected source: a Japanese anime called The Twelve Kingdoms. One of the characters was in and argument with another over who has endured the most sufferings in their lives when one of them rebuked the other by pointing out that no one actually suffers more than others, everyone feels pain equally. But if the pain or suffering was really bad, she (one of the characters) would have really tried ways to get out of the situation instead of always lamenting and blaming others. The fact was that by playing the victim was a more comfortable state of mind to be in, than to have to take responsibility for herself.
That struck a cord with me. Made me wonder if I was doing the same thing. The more I thought about it, the more likely it became. Often times when faced with difficult situations or uncomfortable confrontations, especially if I had to explain myself or my actions, I turn around and assume the mindset and attitude of a someone who was victimized. It justified my thoughts and actions. It allowed me to shrink from my responsibilities and the consequences of my own actions.
But I suppose that's our basic human nature: to shift the blame of anything unpleasant to something or someone else but ourselves. That's the legacy that was left to us by Adam and Eve.
realizing something and actually acting upon it are town entirely different things. I admit that I will continue 'playing victim' because the thought of carrying blame and facing up to my faults is just too much bear. I'm a coward and a hypocrite.
==
My mind is always on what has happened or what might happen, but it is never on what is happening now. That's where all my regrets come from: by not paying attention to the now and doing what needs to be done or doing what's right.
==
How can I expect others to understand me when I don't understand myself most of the time?
That's a question that I asked myself many years ago when I first became aware that I have a problem coping socially. I asked that again today as it has become relevant again.
==
I argue with myself so much that many of the things that I initially wanted to write down have now either become null or confused. I started many sentences before this one but I can never complete them. Just deleted another start of a sentence.
==
I am dwelling. I feel better now after dumping all that in here. I feel like thinking about the holidays I've been on now.
Saturday, January 01, 2005
Aftermath of Boxing Day Tsunami - My Take
Was reading an entry on bv's site and what was said helped to explain my reactions to the calamity in South & South-east Asia: I am saddened not so much by the incredible loss of lives, but more so by my inability to feel any more strongly about the event and the people affected.
As I watch the news everyday, hear about the many stories of miraculous escapes or heart wrenching losses, watch the many different footages of the waves and water, view the images of countless blackened bodies, I am strangely numb.
The visuals and reports has a detachment to it that makes it very difficult for me to emphatize/sympathize with the surviving victims of what is called the worst natural disaster in modern history. I find it difficult to comprehend or imagine the destruction, smells, sights and sounds that are reported and shown on tv.
It is disgusting sometimes to realize how sheltered and complacent we can become when the place you grew up in hardly ever experiences any disasters or catastrophes. That's how I'm feeling now: disgusted. Not by the gruesome images that are sometimes shown, but by the fact that I don't feel much pain or sorrow and to make it worst, I don't even really feel the compulsion to do much about it. Of course the easiest way to help is to donate money to the relief effort. But even that poses a dilemma: how much should I give? how much would quiet my conscience that I contributed?
Yet life has to go on, and indeed for the rest of the world, as we watched, time goes on and life moves on. Which makes it all the more difficult to truly react to the situation with the proper respect that a calamity of this magnitude deserves.
As the death toll rises to staggering figures of more than 100 000, that alone creates a sense of detachment as it inevitably becomes simply an incredible statistic. It is hard to truly accept and comprehend such a huge loss of human lives when all you see and hear are what's available in the papers, on tv and on the internet.
But I suppose that's the same with any disaster in any part of the world with any number of lives lost. You really need to either be there personally or be closely affected by the event to understand and feel the grief and sense of loss.
I am thankful that my family and I are safe. Yet I feel guilty at the same time that we are spared while there are so many others who were not. Times like these really makes you wonder and ask the natural question of 'Why?' But if you think about it, would it really help or make a difference if we did know the reason(s) behind such events? What would we do with such information? Will we be able to handle such truths? Perhaps that's why we are not meant to understand everything about such happenings. Times like these really are incredible tests of faith.
My respect goes out to volunteers who are personally and physically involved in the relief effort, both in the their countries and at the affected areas. Especially to those who has to handle the many bodies and cope with the images and smells that would no doubt remain in their memories for the rest of their lives.
As I watch the news everyday, hear about the many stories of miraculous escapes or heart wrenching losses, watch the many different footages of the waves and water, view the images of countless blackened bodies, I am strangely numb.
The visuals and reports has a detachment to it that makes it very difficult for me to emphatize/sympathize with the surviving victims of what is called the worst natural disaster in modern history. I find it difficult to comprehend or imagine the destruction, smells, sights and sounds that are reported and shown on tv.
It is disgusting sometimes to realize how sheltered and complacent we can become when the place you grew up in hardly ever experiences any disasters or catastrophes. That's how I'm feeling now: disgusted. Not by the gruesome images that are sometimes shown, but by the fact that I don't feel much pain or sorrow and to make it worst, I don't even really feel the compulsion to do much about it. Of course the easiest way to help is to donate money to the relief effort. But even that poses a dilemma: how much should I give? how much would quiet my conscience that I contributed?
Yet life has to go on, and indeed for the rest of the world, as we watched, time goes on and life moves on. Which makes it all the more difficult to truly react to the situation with the proper respect that a calamity of this magnitude deserves.
As the death toll rises to staggering figures of more than 100 000, that alone creates a sense of detachment as it inevitably becomes simply an incredible statistic. It is hard to truly accept and comprehend such a huge loss of human lives when all you see and hear are what's available in the papers, on tv and on the internet.
But I suppose that's the same with any disaster in any part of the world with any number of lives lost. You really need to either be there personally or be closely affected by the event to understand and feel the grief and sense of loss.
I am thankful that my family and I are safe. Yet I feel guilty at the same time that we are spared while there are so many others who were not. Times like these really makes you wonder and ask the natural question of 'Why?' But if you think about it, would it really help or make a difference if we did know the reason(s) behind such events? What would we do with such information? Will we be able to handle such truths? Perhaps that's why we are not meant to understand everything about such happenings. Times like these really are incredible tests of faith.
My respect goes out to volunteers who are personally and physically involved in the relief effort, both in the their countries and at the affected areas. Especially to those who has to handle the many bodies and cope with the images and smells that would no doubt remain in their memories for the rest of their lives.
First musings of the new year
It's a new year..... so?
I have so much to say but don't know how to put them or even where to start.
I'm in a melancholy sort of mood at the moment.
I don't know how long I can go on pretending that I am in love with the man I married.
I think I really need to find another life for myself so that I will have the courage to leave him on day and be on my own.
As I stare at the screen and keyboard, my mind is a whirl of thots too many and too fast to make sense of and type out.
All I can comprehend is this heavy sadness on my heart tonight.
It was another pathetic crossing from one year to the next. And what made it more so than the others I've experienced before is the fact that I have supposedly found my life partner with whom I should enjoy sharing such moments together.
I wish I could turn back time and choose again.
If I could here's what I'll do:
- Study harder,
- Say no to C,
- Say no to K,
- Say no to J,
- Look out for people who are like-minded and ignore those who didn't care, instead of dwelling on why no one thot about the same things as me and how to make others befriend me.
- Would not have join the uniform group in school
If only time can be turned back like the hands of a clock.
I made the mistake of taking a look at my ex-bf's honeymoon pix when I happen to stumble upon his online photo album thru another friend's site.
I'm not upset that they have found and married each other. But I am upset that they are happy while I'm not. That he has found someone he loves so much it made him want to marry her, while I'm trying to pretend that I've found someone I love and am happy with.
I feel so foolish now doing all those things for him, especially during our wedding. I feel cheated and stupid. Why didn't I just say no in the first place?
We had sex on the night of his birthday. It was after a long break of about 2 months or more without intercourse. But as I had expected it was uneventful and lasted for about 5 to 7 mins.
I am not sure which is worst: nagging at him and telling him off all the time, or simply keeping quiet and allow him to do whatever he wants however he wants.
I have so much to say but don't know how to put them or even where to start.
I'm in a melancholy sort of mood at the moment.
I don't know how long I can go on pretending that I am in love with the man I married.
I think I really need to find another life for myself so that I will have the courage to leave him on day and be on my own.
As I stare at the screen and keyboard, my mind is a whirl of thots too many and too fast to make sense of and type out.
All I can comprehend is this heavy sadness on my heart tonight.
It was another pathetic crossing from one year to the next. And what made it more so than the others I've experienced before is the fact that I have supposedly found my life partner with whom I should enjoy sharing such moments together.
I wish I could turn back time and choose again.
If I could here's what I'll do:
- Study harder,
- Say no to C,
- Say no to K,
- Say no to J,
- Look out for people who are like-minded and ignore those who didn't care, instead of dwelling on why no one thot about the same things as me and how to make others befriend me.
- Would not have join the uniform group in school
If only time can be turned back like the hands of a clock.
I made the mistake of taking a look at my ex-bf's honeymoon pix when I happen to stumble upon his online photo album thru another friend's site.
I'm not upset that they have found and married each other. But I am upset that they are happy while I'm not. That he has found someone he loves so much it made him want to marry her, while I'm trying to pretend that I've found someone I love and am happy with.
I feel so foolish now doing all those things for him, especially during our wedding. I feel cheated and stupid. Why didn't I just say no in the first place?
We had sex on the night of his birthday. It was after a long break of about 2 months or more without intercourse. But as I had expected it was uneventful and lasted for about 5 to 7 mins.
I am not sure which is worst: nagging at him and telling him off all the time, or simply keeping quiet and allow him to do whatever he wants however he wants.
Friday, December 17, 2004
Venting
I am in another one of my funky moods now.
I think maybe this is how my minds reacts to pressure and stress.
I should be working on a project that is due tomorrow at 3pm. But instead I'm typing in here.
In an extremely irritable mood and he wants me to help feed his dog!
His dog.... that mutt was the catalyst for my current funkiness. It was irritating and frustrating to have a serious discussion while trying to walk along a dimly lit and uneven pathway with a little mutt under your feet.
Having to eat dinner (consisting of 9 dried nuggets and water) in an extremely crowded and noisy area doesn't help either. I could barely hear myself talk.
The night was fine up till then. Now not only do I have to cope with finishing the project, I have to deal with my funkiness, his dog and him all at the same time.
I need some time out!
I think maybe this is how my minds reacts to pressure and stress.
I should be working on a project that is due tomorrow at 3pm. But instead I'm typing in here.
In an extremely irritable mood and he wants me to help feed his dog!
His dog.... that mutt was the catalyst for my current funkiness. It was irritating and frustrating to have a serious discussion while trying to walk along a dimly lit and uneven pathway with a little mutt under your feet.
Having to eat dinner (consisting of 9 dried nuggets and water) in an extremely crowded and noisy area doesn't help either. I could barely hear myself talk.
The night was fine up till then. Now not only do I have to cope with finishing the project, I have to deal with my funkiness, his dog and him all at the same time.
I need some time out!
Monday, December 13, 2004
I Love Him, I Love Him Not
I wish our love was so strong that it hurts to be apart from each other. But it isn't so. For him it may seem so but it doesn't seem the same for me.
Just read someone's blog on how it hurt that he has to go away without his partner for a while. Well my partner just went and came back and I didn't really feel anything. I wanted to miss him. Even tried to make myself feel that I missed him but truth is I didn't.
It seemed normal to me that he isn't around during the day or even at night in bed. I hugged my pillows and watched TV till I was sleepy and fell asleep. He called several times to say he missed me. It was sweet of him. In my effort to pretend that I missed him, I called him as well.
After the last post I did leave the house. I left for two days and did a lot of thinking and crying. Wanted to blog about everything that went through my head and heart but couldn't find a station. Talk about pathetic.
After much thinking I felt that it was time he knew about how I really feel. I told him that I felt it was a mistake that we got married. I told him that I wasn't happy. And I told him that I didn't love him. It was liberating to be able to finally tell him all that but strangely at the same time it hurt as well to tell him those things. It was especially difficult to say I didn't love him.
I was all prepared to talk about separation at that point. But instead of going there he suggested that we seek counseling and help to make the marriage work. I didn't want to as I didn't see the point in having someone else tell me what I already know.
He is the one keeping this marriage together. He was the one who convinced me to come back and give it another try, one day at a time. He is the one who can't live without me.
Then what about me?
It warms a little part of me to know that he loves me so much that it doesn't matter if I didn't love him back, as long as I am with him and sharing his life is good enough for him.
I told myself when I came back, that I will try to be good to this man. I will try to learn to love him. I will try to make this work.
I also told myself not to expect any change in his sexual behavior towards me. I will not try to be sexy for him any more. I will not initiate any form of sexual intimacy any more. I will not expect much foreplay from him when we do engage in sexual activity. I will not expect him to last.
I took pains to learn an exotic dance which I performed during our wedding dinner. I was expecting him to respond sexually to me after it. But I was greatly disappointed.
It's sad but that's the only way I can keep myself from becoming increasingly unsatisfied. I will not have any expectations at all.
If we have sex once in a while that's a bonus.
What a marriage! I know that sex is not a major part in a marriage. But the tenderness and the closeness that is shared during love making is. That's what's missing.
The companionship is there. Communication when it comes to non-personal topics is great, but breaks downs a little whenever the subject turns personal. That's largely my fault I suppose. I'm not one who opens up easily. It gets more difficult when I don't feel that what ever I've shared was taken seriously. Now I'm at a point where I don't think it makes any difference anymore if I shared or not. And actually he doesn't even noticed it.
I don't know what to think or do about the relationship except to just let one day pass by at a time.
I am planning some activities for his birthday that's coming up. I suppose I'm doing it more for myself than for him really. I guess I just enjoy planning things. At least that has some semblance of order, unlike the rest of my life.
I am a very contradictory person. I say I don't love him yet I'm planning a massage session, romantic lunch, hotel stay and a night at the theatre (performance) for his birthday.
What can I say, I am a messed up person.
Just read someone's blog on how it hurt that he has to go away without his partner for a while. Well my partner just went and came back and I didn't really feel anything. I wanted to miss him. Even tried to make myself feel that I missed him but truth is I didn't.
It seemed normal to me that he isn't around during the day or even at night in bed. I hugged my pillows and watched TV till I was sleepy and fell asleep. He called several times to say he missed me. It was sweet of him. In my effort to pretend that I missed him, I called him as well.
After the last post I did leave the house. I left for two days and did a lot of thinking and crying. Wanted to blog about everything that went through my head and heart but couldn't find a station. Talk about pathetic.
After much thinking I felt that it was time he knew about how I really feel. I told him that I felt it was a mistake that we got married. I told him that I wasn't happy. And I told him that I didn't love him. It was liberating to be able to finally tell him all that but strangely at the same time it hurt as well to tell him those things. It was especially difficult to say I didn't love him.
I was all prepared to talk about separation at that point. But instead of going there he suggested that we seek counseling and help to make the marriage work. I didn't want to as I didn't see the point in having someone else tell me what I already know.
He is the one keeping this marriage together. He was the one who convinced me to come back and give it another try, one day at a time. He is the one who can't live without me.
Then what about me?
It warms a little part of me to know that he loves me so much that it doesn't matter if I didn't love him back, as long as I am with him and sharing his life is good enough for him.
I told myself when I came back, that I will try to be good to this man. I will try to learn to love him. I will try to make this work.
I also told myself not to expect any change in his sexual behavior towards me. I will not try to be sexy for him any more. I will not initiate any form of sexual intimacy any more. I will not expect much foreplay from him when we do engage in sexual activity. I will not expect him to last.
I took pains to learn an exotic dance which I performed during our wedding dinner. I was expecting him to respond sexually to me after it. But I was greatly disappointed.
It's sad but that's the only way I can keep myself from becoming increasingly unsatisfied. I will not have any expectations at all.
If we have sex once in a while that's a bonus.
What a marriage! I know that sex is not a major part in a marriage. But the tenderness and the closeness that is shared during love making is. That's what's missing.
The companionship is there. Communication when it comes to non-personal topics is great, but breaks downs a little whenever the subject turns personal. That's largely my fault I suppose. I'm not one who opens up easily. It gets more difficult when I don't feel that what ever I've shared was taken seriously. Now I'm at a point where I don't think it makes any difference anymore if I shared or not. And actually he doesn't even noticed it.
I don't know what to think or do about the relationship except to just let one day pass by at a time.
I am planning some activities for his birthday that's coming up. I suppose I'm doing it more for myself than for him really. I guess I just enjoy planning things. At least that has some semblance of order, unlike the rest of my life.
I am a very contradictory person. I say I don't love him yet I'm planning a massage session, romantic lunch, hotel stay and a night at the theatre (performance) for his birthday.
What can I say, I am a messed up person.
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Discontent
I wish I could live a different life.
One where the struggle to get things done isn't as difficult. A life where I can be more in control of my thoughts and actions.
I envy my friends who have found love, success and purpose in their life. What have I achieved in the same time span? Nothing but failures and regrets.
I'm just too lazy.
I wanted to leave the house today. To leave him for a few days. I really meant to but now I find myself stuck to my chair in front of the computer typing and complaining away.
I don't know how to deal with him and my melancholy at the same time. And him not being able to detect or understand that I get this way sometimes does not help. I hate explaining myself when I am in this 'funky' mood. It makes it worst when I am questioned relentlessly with the same questions: What's wrong with you? Why are you acting like that?, over and over again. It drives me against the wall and deeper into my depression. Why can't he understand that even after having explained it to him several times?
I have come to fully accept that there is no real love between my husband and I. He probably does love me as he claims but I certainly don't feel any love for him. I just feel a sense of obligation and a small need to fulfill my motherly instincts at times. But I am reluctant to sacrifice anything for him. I am unwilling to give in to him in any way. I am unable to be kissed by him in public without being embarrassed. I am reluctant to be seen naked by him.
He doesn't seem to be making much effort to learn about me and to understand me quietly. He is always asking for me to tell him things, to explain my every thought and action and behavior, to tell him why.
I need someone stronger than me, smarter than me. I need to be able to look up to my husband and feel protected by him in any situation and circumstance. I need to know that I have the understanding and support of my husband during my bouts of melancholia and depression. I need to feel his tenderness when we are in bed, not childish baby talk or faked porn sounds. I need to know that he loves me and is also attracted to my body. I need to know that I turn him on just by being close to him. I need to feel wanted and cherished.
I want to be taken care of. To be encouraged and supported to pursue my dreams. I need to able to be myself and to let go of my inhibitions when I am with him.
I was blind, stupid and lazy. Looking back it seems like I have been like that all my life. What's wrong with me?
What do I hope to achieve by writing all this down here?
I am only 28 or I am already 28?
The first statement brings hope that there is still room and time to change things.
The second speaks of a permanent condition, what else can I do to change things?
If I do not leave the house soon I will not be able to get away from him and will have to put up with his nagging and childish ways in my current state of mind. But where do I go? What will I do?
Everything I have is not my own. Even the clothes I wear are not bought by my own money. They were either bought by Jo or by my husband. I'm not sure how it ended up that way. I suppose only my monitor, keyboard, speakers, sandals and underwear (the old ones) are the only things I can say for certain are my own. I look around me and everything I see belongs to him or to the company. Even my treasured computer was paid for by the company when we upgraded.
I am such a pathetic creature that I make myself sick.
I wish I could live a different life.
One where the struggle to get things done isn't as difficult. A life where I can be more in control of my thoughts and actions.
I envy my friends who have found love, success and purpose in their life. What have I achieved in the same time span? Nothing but failures and regrets.
I'm just too lazy.
I wanted to leave the house today. To leave him for a few days. I really meant to but now I find myself stuck to my chair in front of the computer typing and complaining away.
I don't know how to deal with him and my melancholy at the same time. And him not being able to detect or understand that I get this way sometimes does not help. I hate explaining myself when I am in this 'funky' mood. It makes it worst when I am questioned relentlessly with the same questions: What's wrong with you? Why are you acting like that?, over and over again. It drives me against the wall and deeper into my depression. Why can't he understand that even after having explained it to him several times?
I have come to fully accept that there is no real love between my husband and I. He probably does love me as he claims but I certainly don't feel any love for him. I just feel a sense of obligation and a small need to fulfill my motherly instincts at times. But I am reluctant to sacrifice anything for him. I am unwilling to give in to him in any way. I am unable to be kissed by him in public without being embarrassed. I am reluctant to be seen naked by him.
He doesn't seem to be making much effort to learn about me and to understand me quietly. He is always asking for me to tell him things, to explain my every thought and action and behavior, to tell him why.
I need someone stronger than me, smarter than me. I need to be able to look up to my husband and feel protected by him in any situation and circumstance. I need to know that I have the understanding and support of my husband during my bouts of melancholia and depression. I need to feel his tenderness when we are in bed, not childish baby talk or faked porn sounds. I need to know that he loves me and is also attracted to my body. I need to know that I turn him on just by being close to him. I need to feel wanted and cherished.
I want to be taken care of. To be encouraged and supported to pursue my dreams. I need to able to be myself and to let go of my inhibitions when I am with him.
I was blind, stupid and lazy. Looking back it seems like I have been like that all my life. What's wrong with me?
What do I hope to achieve by writing all this down here?
I am only 28 or I am already 28?
The first statement brings hope that there is still room and time to change things.
The second speaks of a permanent condition, what else can I do to change things?
If I do not leave the house soon I will not be able to get away from him and will have to put up with his nagging and childish ways in my current state of mind. But where do I go? What will I do?
Everything I have is not my own. Even the clothes I wear are not bought by my own money. They were either bought by Jo or by my husband. I'm not sure how it ended up that way. I suppose only my monitor, keyboard, speakers, sandals and underwear (the old ones) are the only things I can say for certain are my own. I look around me and everything I see belongs to him or to the company. Even my treasured computer was paid for by the company when we upgraded.
I am such a pathetic creature that I make myself sick.
I wish I could live a different life.
Friday, November 26, 2004
Reality Sucks For Me
I should be a hermit.
That way no one will get hurt by me and I won't have to live with having to watch out for the feelings and sensibilities of others.
When I was with my parents I was their constant worry and stress. They would be late for church whenever I went with them. They would be embarrassed to talk to relatives about what I am doing whenever I was in between jobs. They would worry about still having to provide for me. Just to name a few.
Now I am in a marriage and have moved out of the house the curse of me went from my parents to my husband. He now has to bear with me. I think it might be worst for him coz he has only known me for the past 3 years. At least my parents had 27 years to get used to putting up with me.
Problem is I don't know why I am the way I am. And I get even more frustrated when I am asked to explain why I am acting in a certain manner when I am not entirely sure myself. I have such a huge amount of tangled up emotions that I don't know how to begin and where to begin trying to sort them out. My thought process isn't any better organized. Things are as confusing and murky.
That's why I often seek solace in movies, fiction novels, games. The further it is from any semblance of real life the better. It gives me a place to escape to. A place to hide away from the harsh realities of my own pathetic and miserable life. Even it is for a few hours at a time.
Another realm of unreality is in my dreams when I sleep. I dread to wake up whenever I sleep. My dreams always seemed somehow more manageable. Even scary ones. There are times when I wished I could just sleep and not wake up. Then I won't have to deal with my inadequacies, failures and curse on those close to me. And they won't have to put up with me any more either.
I am lazy beyond belief! I am starving now yet I am reluctant to walk a few steps to the kitchen and spend a few minutes cooking for myself. It's too troublesome. But I am so hungry... I guess I will probably wait till my stomach drives me to push against the laziness.
I am such a paradox to myself. I wish to be apart from everyone yet I can't live independently. I think I'll probably starve to death if I were to become a hermit. Not from the lack of motivation to cook but rather from the lack of food itself, since I would also be too lazy to work for long.
I am not young any more and that is one of my biggest fears. Growing old. As scary as it is I can't help seeing myself as one of the many homeless old folks I see on the streets. All alone with no friends, no family, no money, no shelter, but not time to die yet. *SHUDDER!!*
I think my stomach is winning. Really need to get some food asap.
That way no one will get hurt by me and I won't have to live with having to watch out for the feelings and sensibilities of others.
When I was with my parents I was their constant worry and stress. They would be late for church whenever I went with them. They would be embarrassed to talk to relatives about what I am doing whenever I was in between jobs. They would worry about still having to provide for me. Just to name a few.
Now I am in a marriage and have moved out of the house the curse of me went from my parents to my husband. He now has to bear with me. I think it might be worst for him coz he has only known me for the past 3 years. At least my parents had 27 years to get used to putting up with me.
Problem is I don't know why I am the way I am. And I get even more frustrated when I am asked to explain why I am acting in a certain manner when I am not entirely sure myself. I have such a huge amount of tangled up emotions that I don't know how to begin and where to begin trying to sort them out. My thought process isn't any better organized. Things are as confusing and murky.
That's why I often seek solace in movies, fiction novels, games. The further it is from any semblance of real life the better. It gives me a place to escape to. A place to hide away from the harsh realities of my own pathetic and miserable life. Even it is for a few hours at a time.
Another realm of unreality is in my dreams when I sleep. I dread to wake up whenever I sleep. My dreams always seemed somehow more manageable. Even scary ones. There are times when I wished I could just sleep and not wake up. Then I won't have to deal with my inadequacies, failures and curse on those close to me. And they won't have to put up with me any more either.
I am lazy beyond belief! I am starving now yet I am reluctant to walk a few steps to the kitchen and spend a few minutes cooking for myself. It's too troublesome. But I am so hungry... I guess I will probably wait till my stomach drives me to push against the laziness.
I am such a paradox to myself. I wish to be apart from everyone yet I can't live independently. I think I'll probably starve to death if I were to become a hermit. Not from the lack of motivation to cook but rather from the lack of food itself, since I would also be too lazy to work for long.
I am not young any more and that is one of my biggest fears. Growing old. As scary as it is I can't help seeing myself as one of the many homeless old folks I see on the streets. All alone with no friends, no family, no money, no shelter, but not time to die yet. *SHUDDER!!*
I think my stomach is winning. Really need to get some food asap.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Who am I?
What is a blog?
To me I suppose it's a place where I can be totally honest with myself and be frank and blunt without worrying about the sensitivities of others. This is for me to let off steam.
Actually I would like to have someone read these posts and leave their comments. I'm annoynemous so it doesn't matter who my readers are either. But just to know that somewhere out there someone is sharing in my anger, my pain, my insecurities, my depression, my complexities, and my various personalities, has a strange sense of comfort.
*Sigh!*
Well I don't know if anyone will ever stumble upon this blog since there are so many other bigger, more interesting blogs around. But I just wish that someone might.
There it is again! My need for affirmation and the constant yearning to be noticed. I want to be popular, be famous, be known by many for my talents,skills or accomplishments. I want to hear praises of me when I am not around and by people who are not my family or relatives. I want to be able to have something or to be someone to be proud of.
I keep wanting to have an exhibition of my works. To me that's something I can be proud of. Not just a small corner exhibition. But a big one that is noticed by the press and the public. Where I'll have a nice opening ceremony where I can invite my relatives and friends to and be able to show off and to prove to them that I can accomplish something that they can't. To prove to them that my dreams are not useless and childish. To prove to them that I am not a failure. To prove to them that even without the much sort after paper qualification I can still be somebody and accomplish success.
Given all those thots, it might seem like quite a bit of motivation for me really work hard to make them come true. But in this twisted world of mine that is no to be. I am my own curse. I am too lazy to do anything seriously for long. I'll always come up 'reasons' for not continuing a path.
All these writings and posts are all about me, what I want, who I am, me, me, me. Selfish huh?
But when I look at my whole life, seems like I am almost constantly trying to please other, to do what others wnat of me, to be how other thot I should be, to act, talk, work, dress, even think like what everyone else thinks I should. I wanted to do things my way, but everytime I tried I didn't get any support and always seemed to faced oppositions.
I am still confused at to what I should do. My Christian upbringing says to put others before me and to think about the welfare of others before myself. But I am finding that harder to do everyday as the years of not being able to find myself pile up onto of my self-esteem.
How can I help others when I don't even know how I am? How can I help others when I need help myself? I won't know how to help others because I didn't get any help myself.
So am I still being selfish for trying to work my way thru? For dwelling on myself in the confines of my own mind?
That's what I would like someone to tell me. I don't trust shrinks. I've been to a few and they were patronising, uncaring, stuck-up, and totally had no idea what I was trying to tell them. Tried sharing a little with some friends but all a got were frowns, frightened looks, and impatient remarks.
They all made me feel like there was something terribly wrong with me. There was a time when I thot so too myself. I tried to change, to be more like my 'friends'. But still no one liked me or would talk to me. So I just clammed up and shunned away from church, friends, school-mates, sometimes even my family. But I was always miserable. Nothing helped. I tried to turn to God but I guess my faith wasn't strong enough and I didn't give Him time.
Now, many many years later, I find myself still stuck in that same state of mind. It just got replaced from time to time with different variations of the same problems.
I hate to admit it but looking at myself, what I've accomplised so far on the path I've taken, and the things I've done, I can only come to one conclusion: I am a failure.
I try to work hard, but nothing comes out of it. I try to love my husband as he loves me, but I can't find it in my heart. I try to trust in God, but don't really know how.
I wish someone can help me work thru the confusions, knots and questions in my mind and my heart. I wish there was someone who knows exactly what to do. I wish there was someone I can really trust and believe in to understand my problems, thots, pain and messed up mind.
I wish I can speak with God directly and have Him speak with me directly as if we were on the phone. I wish I can hear His voice directly and know for certain that it is Him and not just my own mind telling myself what I want to hear. I wish He would make everything alright. I've wished for these things since I was a little girl.
Why can't I hear Him like others can? Is there something really wrong with me then?
To me I suppose it's a place where I can be totally honest with myself and be frank and blunt without worrying about the sensitivities of others. This is for me to let off steam.
Actually I would like to have someone read these posts and leave their comments. I'm annoynemous so it doesn't matter who my readers are either. But just to know that somewhere out there someone is sharing in my anger, my pain, my insecurities, my depression, my complexities, and my various personalities, has a strange sense of comfort.
*Sigh!*
Well I don't know if anyone will ever stumble upon this blog since there are so many other bigger, more interesting blogs around. But I just wish that someone might.
There it is again! My need for affirmation and the constant yearning to be noticed. I want to be popular, be famous, be known by many for my talents,skills or accomplishments. I want to hear praises of me when I am not around and by people who are not my family or relatives. I want to be able to have something or to be someone to be proud of.
I keep wanting to have an exhibition of my works. To me that's something I can be proud of. Not just a small corner exhibition. But a big one that is noticed by the press and the public. Where I'll have a nice opening ceremony where I can invite my relatives and friends to and be able to show off and to prove to them that I can accomplish something that they can't. To prove to them that my dreams are not useless and childish. To prove to them that I am not a failure. To prove to them that even without the much sort after paper qualification I can still be somebody and accomplish success.
Given all those thots, it might seem like quite a bit of motivation for me really work hard to make them come true. But in this twisted world of mine that is no to be. I am my own curse. I am too lazy to do anything seriously for long. I'll always come up 'reasons' for not continuing a path.
All these writings and posts are all about me, what I want, who I am, me, me, me. Selfish huh?
But when I look at my whole life, seems like I am almost constantly trying to please other, to do what others wnat of me, to be how other thot I should be, to act, talk, work, dress, even think like what everyone else thinks I should. I wanted to do things my way, but everytime I tried I didn't get any support and always seemed to faced oppositions.
I am still confused at to what I should do. My Christian upbringing says to put others before me and to think about the welfare of others before myself. But I am finding that harder to do everyday as the years of not being able to find myself pile up onto of my self-esteem.
How can I help others when I don't even know how I am? How can I help others when I need help myself? I won't know how to help others because I didn't get any help myself.
So am I still being selfish for trying to work my way thru? For dwelling on myself in the confines of my own mind?
That's what I would like someone to tell me. I don't trust shrinks. I've been to a few and they were patronising, uncaring, stuck-up, and totally had no idea what I was trying to tell them. Tried sharing a little with some friends but all a got were frowns, frightened looks, and impatient remarks.
They all made me feel like there was something terribly wrong with me. There was a time when I thot so too myself. I tried to change, to be more like my 'friends'. But still no one liked me or would talk to me. So I just clammed up and shunned away from church, friends, school-mates, sometimes even my family. But I was always miserable. Nothing helped. I tried to turn to God but I guess my faith wasn't strong enough and I didn't give Him time.
Now, many many years later, I find myself still stuck in that same state of mind. It just got replaced from time to time with different variations of the same problems.
I hate to admit it but looking at myself, what I've accomplised so far on the path I've taken, and the things I've done, I can only come to one conclusion: I am a failure.
I try to work hard, but nothing comes out of it. I try to love my husband as he loves me, but I can't find it in my heart. I try to trust in God, but don't really know how.
I wish someone can help me work thru the confusions, knots and questions in my mind and my heart. I wish there was someone who knows exactly what to do. I wish there was someone I can really trust and believe in to understand my problems, thots, pain and messed up mind.
I wish I can speak with God directly and have Him speak with me directly as if we were on the phone. I wish I can hear His voice directly and know for certain that it is Him and not just my own mind telling myself what I want to hear. I wish He would make everything alright. I've wished for these things since I was a little girl.
Why can't I hear Him like others can? Is there something really wrong with me then?
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Inward Contemplations
Recovered a bit from the depressed, self-depreciating and whining mood.
But still feeling a little blue. Especially after reading other blogs. (Note to self: not a good idea when feeling upset or blue. Especially so for bV site.)
I get depressed when I realize the when it comes down to it I've really got no friends. Case in point: during my wedding. I had a hard time deciding on who I should ask to be my helpers. It was major depressing.
I guess I'm still upset that I didn't get to be a 'princess' on the one day that I am entitled to such treatment. I felt like I was the organizer and not the VIP. And the worst part it that no one seemed to notice or cared.
And then I still find myself trying to come to terms with the conflict between ideals and reality, with the latter often being hard and bleak. That's what you call Reality Bites!
I had such dreams and ideals about the man I would fall in love with, about how we would fall in love, about his proposal, about our life together, about our wedding. I also had dreams about how my life would be, what I would be doing, how I could make my parents proud and be the envy of all my cousins and relatives.
Such great dreams and romantic ideals.
But where am I now? What am I doing? Who am I married to?
Welcome to the real world baby.
*Sigh*
A little part of me still wished that someday things will get better. That I can experience what it's really like to fall in love with someone so completely that it blots out all traces of self-centeredness. To experience the thrill and satisfaction of living out my ideals, of fulfilling them and see them come to pass.
I wanted to be a photographer. Now I am a photographer. But...
There's always a 'But' in my life.
I am a small insignificant photographer who yearns to be recognized and be critically acclaimed and accomplished.
It seems like everything all boils down to my sense of self-worth and self-esteem. This is one area that I am sorely lacking in. I am always looking for affirmation, for reassurances. Whenever I receive praises I will always find ways to play it down. Such a hypocrite! Secretly inside I was lavishing in the praises but some part of my mind tends to block it out from most of my other mental systems. I was forbidden to outwardly show that I loved the praises by my own self-depreciating personality. Sounds a little like a split personality disorder doesn't it.
Oh well. In that case I think I'm in one of my more contemplative personalities.
But still feeling a little blue. Especially after reading other blogs. (Note to self: not a good idea when feeling upset or blue. Especially so for bV site.)
I get depressed when I realize the when it comes down to it I've really got no friends. Case in point: during my wedding. I had a hard time deciding on who I should ask to be my helpers. It was major depressing.
I guess I'm still upset that I didn't get to be a 'princess' on the one day that I am entitled to such treatment. I felt like I was the organizer and not the VIP. And the worst part it that no one seemed to notice or cared.
And then I still find myself trying to come to terms with the conflict between ideals and reality, with the latter often being hard and bleak. That's what you call Reality Bites!
I had such dreams and ideals about the man I would fall in love with, about how we would fall in love, about his proposal, about our life together, about our wedding. I also had dreams about how my life would be, what I would be doing, how I could make my parents proud and be the envy of all my cousins and relatives.
Such great dreams and romantic ideals.
But where am I now? What am I doing? Who am I married to?
Welcome to the real world baby.
*Sigh*
A little part of me still wished that someday things will get better. That I can experience what it's really like to fall in love with someone so completely that it blots out all traces of self-centeredness. To experience the thrill and satisfaction of living out my ideals, of fulfilling them and see them come to pass.
I wanted to be a photographer. Now I am a photographer. But...
There's always a 'But' in my life.
I am a small insignificant photographer who yearns to be recognized and be critically acclaimed and accomplished.
It seems like everything all boils down to my sense of self-worth and self-esteem. This is one area that I am sorely lacking in. I am always looking for affirmation, for reassurances. Whenever I receive praises I will always find ways to play it down. Such a hypocrite! Secretly inside I was lavishing in the praises but some part of my mind tends to block it out from most of my other mental systems. I was forbidden to outwardly show that I loved the praises by my own self-depreciating personality. Sounds a little like a split personality disorder doesn't it.
Oh well. In that case I think I'm in one of my more contemplative personalities.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
First Rantings
Started another blog before this one. Did the stupid thing of telling people who knows me about it. It's like shooting myself in the foot. The freedom to write anything I felt like writing was lost once the site was made known.
My life sucks!
I'm married to a man I don't love. Isolated from my family. No friends. Big pile of work that needs to be done whatever mood I may be in.
I feel like crap every time I have to shoot a wedding. My own was far from what I had dreamed about. Wrong man, wrong helpers, wrong decisions. Everything was just wrong.
I can't leave him because I'm a coward. I am afraid of what will happen if I left. I will have no job, no money, no place to go.
It sucks! I hate that I am so dependent on him for my livelihood. The company is his, my equipment were bought by him, my salary comes from him. I tried to fool myself into thinking that I can be indispensable by taking over the company accounts, by taking on my clients, by taking on another portfolio. But this all just served to tie me down to him and his company even more. And now I not only have to answer to him I have to answer to my clients and to get their stuff ready.
I can't just walk away. I can't be irresponsible towards my clients who trusted me and signed up because of me. And I hate it.
I hate it that I have responsibilities towards others.
I am lonely and depressed.
The man I married who is now my husband doesn't seem interested in me as a whole person. There is no passion in our marriage. There is no tenderness. We share the same bed, ie he sleeps on one side I sleep on the other. We have never made love. Had sex yes but not love. Even the sex was unsatisfying.
But there is no I can blame for this mess that I'm in but myself. I could have said no and not marry him. Could have said no and not work for him. Could have said no and just remained as friends. But I was weak and lazy. It was convenient at the time to work for him. It was convenient to start a relationship then. It was convenient to get married and the idea of being married seemed rather nice then. I was lazy to look for another job that would require my to stick a fix routine. He offered me flexibility in working hours. I stayed with him so I didn't have to travel between home and work.
I am too lazy for my own good! But what am I going to do about?
My life sucks!
I'm married to a man I don't love. Isolated from my family. No friends. Big pile of work that needs to be done whatever mood I may be in.
I feel like crap every time I have to shoot a wedding. My own was far from what I had dreamed about. Wrong man, wrong helpers, wrong decisions. Everything was just wrong.
I can't leave him because I'm a coward. I am afraid of what will happen if I left. I will have no job, no money, no place to go.
It sucks! I hate that I am so dependent on him for my livelihood. The company is his, my equipment were bought by him, my salary comes from him. I tried to fool myself into thinking that I can be indispensable by taking over the company accounts, by taking on my clients, by taking on another portfolio. But this all just served to tie me down to him and his company even more. And now I not only have to answer to him I have to answer to my clients and to get their stuff ready.
I can't just walk away. I can't be irresponsible towards my clients who trusted me and signed up because of me. And I hate it.
I hate it that I have responsibilities towards others.
I am lonely and depressed.
The man I married who is now my husband doesn't seem interested in me as a whole person. There is no passion in our marriage. There is no tenderness. We share the same bed, ie he sleeps on one side I sleep on the other. We have never made love. Had sex yes but not love. Even the sex was unsatisfying.
But there is no I can blame for this mess that I'm in but myself. I could have said no and not marry him. Could have said no and not work for him. Could have said no and just remained as friends. But I was weak and lazy. It was convenient at the time to work for him. It was convenient to start a relationship then. It was convenient to get married and the idea of being married seemed rather nice then. I was lazy to look for another job that would require my to stick a fix routine. He offered me flexibility in working hours. I stayed with him so I didn't have to travel between home and work.
I am too lazy for my own good! But what am I going to do about?
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