How did I end up marrying someone I don't love?
He takes good care of me and he loves me. But I have no deep feelings for him. I don't really care much when he isn't around.
My heart lies with someone who has already fallen in love with another and has taken her as a wife.
I have been in denial all these years about my feelings for him. I thought I have already gotten over him. Thought I could get over him by meeting someone else.
I was wrong.
It still hurts when I think back to those times. I still dream of him from time to time.
My husband is a good companion. He is intelligent and we can have really engaging conversations. He is hardworking and works hard to provide for us. He makes an effort to remember my quirks and takes care of me.
Yet my heart remains neutral when I think about as romantically. I wish I could love him as deeply as I loved the other. I longed to feel the excitement and passion but it doesn't happen.
Everyday I tell myself that I need to give us more time, to give myself more time. I want to learn to love him. To care for him as a wife. But I can't.
Am I really still in love with the other? It's been so many years. Do I still love him or am I still in love with the idea of being with him? I know I miss the times we have spent together. I know that I was willing to do almost anything for him then but I am not willing to give in much to my husband now. I felt hurt and jealous when I heard he was getting married.
I feel so pathetic.
I thought that things were getting better. I really thought it was.
Why am I feeling so shitty now?
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Parent - Child Bonding
My dad was sent to get a Cardiac Catheterization, also know as an angiogram, done yesterday morning. When my mum told me about the test I was both worried and afraid. Worried if he was going to be ok and afraid that there would be something wrong.
It was actually a routine and fairly simply procedure that he had to undergo. Since my dad is diabetic, the doctor got worried when he experienced mild chest pains after a Treadmill Stress Test. Well long story short we were all relieved when the test showed that all is well with my dad's heart and he was discharged the same day with no complications.
During the few days before the procedure the possibility of losing my dad was brought to the forefront of my mind. Everytime my thoughts stray to the possibility and what would it be like not having him around, my chest tightens up and my eyes start to tear. I love both my parents dearly and the mere thought of losing either one of them hurts me to the core. I can't imagine permanently not having either one of them around. I know that that is unavoidable and eventually the Lord will take them back to Him. But it still hurts nonetheless.
I was able to spend some time with my mum while we waited for my dad to be discharged. It was great and I realized how much I missed spending time with her. I would have liked to spend the evening having dinner with both my mum and dad but I had to rush back to work after sending them home. I won't be able to see them for a while unless we are able to take some time out to go over for dinner which is quite unlikely at least for the next week.
I hope that when my husband and I have kids they will love us as much as I love my parents. But then on the other hand I hope that we will be able and willing to sacrifice for and love our children as much as my parents did for me and my brothers.
It was actually a routine and fairly simply procedure that he had to undergo. Since my dad is diabetic, the doctor got worried when he experienced mild chest pains after a Treadmill Stress Test. Well long story short we were all relieved when the test showed that all is well with my dad's heart and he was discharged the same day with no complications.
During the few days before the procedure the possibility of losing my dad was brought to the forefront of my mind. Everytime my thoughts stray to the possibility and what would it be like not having him around, my chest tightens up and my eyes start to tear. I love both my parents dearly and the mere thought of losing either one of them hurts me to the core. I can't imagine permanently not having either one of them around. I know that that is unavoidable and eventually the Lord will take them back to Him. But it still hurts nonetheless.
I was able to spend some time with my mum while we waited for my dad to be discharged. It was great and I realized how much I missed spending time with her. I would have liked to spend the evening having dinner with both my mum and dad but I had to rush back to work after sending them home. I won't be able to see them for a while unless we are able to take some time out to go over for dinner which is quite unlikely at least for the next week.
I hope that when my husband and I have kids they will love us as much as I love my parents. But then on the other hand I hope that we will be able and willing to sacrifice for and love our children as much as my parents did for me and my brothers.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Full Score!
I scored 100/100 with 7 bonus points to boot on my Jap test on Thur!!
I've thinking about how to write this down but Inothing seemed to work better than that.
It's been so long I can't even remember when I last scored full marks on a test. It felt really good. Even though it's just a simple end semester test and only still at level 1, it still felt great!
Just needed to document this moment before I lose it among all the crap in my life.
Yay!!!
I've thinking about how to write this down but Inothing seemed to work better than that.
It's been so long I can't even remember when I last scored full marks on a test. It felt really good. Even though it's just a simple end semester test and only still at level 1, it still felt great!
Just needed to document this moment before I lose it among all the crap in my life.
Yay!!!
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Baby Blues
It seems like almost everyone I know around my age group already have kids, just gave birth or are about to give birth.
There are babies and toddlers everywhere. It started about 3 years ago I think. First you hear a string of so-and-so getting married to so-and-so. It seems that everyone is getting married. Then the next thing you know its 'so-and-so is pregnant', 'oh, so-n-so has given birth'...yada yada yada...
It is said to be a natural course of life and the God ordained path once a couple joins in holy matrimony. To have children is meant to be a blessing and is meant to bring great joy. To my friends who have become parents shortly after getting married, that is true.
Yet why do I feel pressured into having a child rather than supported? Pressured by social norms, traditional views and religious reasons. Whenever I said that both my husband and I are not ready for a child yet, I am faced with disbelieving and shocked expressions. It was like as if I had said something foul. The more understanding ones will try to play the counselor and start trying to psycho-analyze our decision as diplomatically as they now how.
I like kids when they are obedient and displays some intelligence. I have very low tolerance of noisy, bratty, rude, inconsiderate and stupid kids. The sort that runs around like a crowded restaurant yelling at the top of their voices, the sort that retorts back at you when told to follow instructions, the sort that pushes their way into a crowded elevator as others are trying to get out, the sort that runs headlong into someone because they weren't looking at where they were heading and then looking up at the person with a startled and non-comprehending expression.
But after having said all that, I do conceded that most of the time it isn't entirely the kid's fault. The parents/legal guardian are as much if not more to blame for the behavior of the child in public or around others.
I strongly believe that a child's upbringing and discipline should be the sole responsibility of the parents/ guardian. Not maids, teachers or grandparents (unless they are the guardians). I know that some might say that I should not make such a sweeping statement. There are always other factors to consider, like divorce, death or abuse. But if we were to trace the root of the problem it most often then not will lead back to the parents.
Being parents is an enormous responsibility. It isn't just providing the physical and material needs of another being. But to nurture the emotional, mental and spiritual needs as well. How a child behaves in public depends on how well these needs are met.
I am intimidated by such a responsibility. I am afraid of my own inability to nurture my child into an engaging, obedient, considerate and intelligent individual.
How can I take care of someone who will be so utterly dependent on me for a good 18-20 years when I can't even take care of myself? As well as my unresolved dilemma regarding my marriage and my feelings toward my husband.
How can I bring a child into such a situation?
As much as I would like to have a child of my own, I won't have one unless I know that I love my husband enough to stick with him till death do us part and unless I know that my husband is ready and willing to become a father. At least then I'll know that I won't be alone in process and that our child will be conceived in love and will be brought up with love.
Time: 7.30am
There are babies and toddlers everywhere. It started about 3 years ago I think. First you hear a string of so-and-so getting married to so-and-so. It seems that everyone is getting married. Then the next thing you know its 'so-and-so is pregnant', 'oh, so-n-so has given birth'...yada yada yada...
It is said to be a natural course of life and the God ordained path once a couple joins in holy matrimony. To have children is meant to be a blessing and is meant to bring great joy. To my friends who have become parents shortly after getting married, that is true.
Yet why do I feel pressured into having a child rather than supported? Pressured by social norms, traditional views and religious reasons. Whenever I said that both my husband and I are not ready for a child yet, I am faced with disbelieving and shocked expressions. It was like as if I had said something foul. The more understanding ones will try to play the counselor and start trying to psycho-analyze our decision as diplomatically as they now how.
I like kids when they are obedient and displays some intelligence. I have very low tolerance of noisy, bratty, rude, inconsiderate and stupid kids. The sort that runs around like a crowded restaurant yelling at the top of their voices, the sort that retorts back at you when told to follow instructions, the sort that pushes their way into a crowded elevator as others are trying to get out, the sort that runs headlong into someone because they weren't looking at where they were heading and then looking up at the person with a startled and non-comprehending expression.
But after having said all that, I do conceded that most of the time it isn't entirely the kid's fault. The parents/legal guardian are as much if not more to blame for the behavior of the child in public or around others.
I strongly believe that a child's upbringing and discipline should be the sole responsibility of the parents/ guardian. Not maids, teachers or grandparents (unless they are the guardians). I know that some might say that I should not make such a sweeping statement. There are always other factors to consider, like divorce, death or abuse. But if we were to trace the root of the problem it most often then not will lead back to the parents.
Being parents is an enormous responsibility. It isn't just providing the physical and material needs of another being. But to nurture the emotional, mental and spiritual needs as well. How a child behaves in public depends on how well these needs are met.
I am intimidated by such a responsibility. I am afraid of my own inability to nurture my child into an engaging, obedient, considerate and intelligent individual.
How can I take care of someone who will be so utterly dependent on me for a good 18-20 years when I can't even take care of myself? As well as my unresolved dilemma regarding my marriage and my feelings toward my husband.
How can I bring a child into such a situation?
As much as I would like to have a child of my own, I won't have one unless I know that I love my husband enough to stick with him till death do us part and unless I know that my husband is ready and willing to become a father. At least then I'll know that I won't be alone in process and that our child will be conceived in love and will be brought up with love.
Time: 7.30am
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Divine Grace
Things have taken a 180 degree turn since the last time I wrote.
I gave in and we made up shortly after the last entry.
We just came back from an amazing, well deserved and well spent holiday.
I started making time to spend some quiet time with God at the start of every day after we made up. I didn't realize how dry and hungry my heart and soul was for the Lord's word until I started reading the passages. Being able to continue spending such quiet time during our holiday was truly God's grace. I use 2 different daily guides and I am still amazed at how the same message runs through both guides every day.
My relationship with my husband has also improved. I pray that it will get better.
Whatever doubts I had about my marriage and my feelings for my husband I submit them to God's will daily as I read His word. It is actually quite liberating to pray for His will to be done and His purpose for me and us to be fulfilled and not dwell on things I don't know and have not control over.
I pray that this is not just a phase like so many other attempts I have made in the past. I need to remember that I shouldn't rely on my own strength and understanding. That's a sure way to loose steam and become discouraged.
2.00am
I gave in and we made up shortly after the last entry.
We just came back from an amazing, well deserved and well spent holiday.
I started making time to spend some quiet time with God at the start of every day after we made up. I didn't realize how dry and hungry my heart and soul was for the Lord's word until I started reading the passages. Being able to continue spending such quiet time during our holiday was truly God's grace. I use 2 different daily guides and I am still amazed at how the same message runs through both guides every day.
My relationship with my husband has also improved. I pray that it will get better.
Whatever doubts I had about my marriage and my feelings for my husband I submit them to God's will daily as I read His word. It is actually quite liberating to pray for His will to be done and His purpose for me and us to be fulfilled and not dwell on things I don't know and have not control over.
I pray that this is not just a phase like so many other attempts I have made in the past. I need to remember that I shouldn't rely on my own strength and understanding. That's a sure way to loose steam and become discouraged.
2.00am
Friday, April 01, 2005
Pride and Prejudice
Me and my stupid pride.
I don't know what to do about the situation with him.
Well actually I know what can be done but I am so reluctant to do it. To give in and accept his apologies and make up would mean swallowing my pride.
Sounds rather stupid really. And pathetic too.
The situation is ridiculous. I'm not speaking to him or acknowledging his presence or answering his questions. He is hurt and at a loss for what to do. He was actually desperate enough to call my parent for help. They came over on Wednesday on some pretext to see what's going on. Then my dad came over yesterday to try to talk to me and find out what happened.
Instead of helping matters the conversation with my dad set off a new wave of depression and self loathing. It was all I can do to stop myself from bawling when my father stroked my head like when I was a little girl.
Now my parents are involved in this and they must be really worried, especially my mum. How do I tell them that everything was my own stupid fault?
How do I explain that because I can't stand stupidity and lack of initiative in myself, I am also unable to accept that he displays an even greater level of the very traits I detest?
I so want to reconcile and stop the silent treatment. But whenever I am near him or hear his voice I feel the irritation rise up from within. Every little thing that he does simply got on my nerves. I can't believe how stupid he can be.
I am lying on my side on the bed watching tv when he came back. Out of his concern for me he bought dinner knowing that I probably hadn't eaten. And then he promptly placed the tray and bag of food infront of me totally blocking my view of the screen. Normally I would have sat up so that I could continue watching and eat at the same time. But this time I was shocked and somewhat disgusted at his lack of observation. I laid there for a few minutes waiting to see if he realized the problem. But being the careless, insensitive, unobservant and thick-headed idiot that he is, he didn't notice.
I had asked him several times throughout the past 2 months for some of last year's accounting info. He suddenly remembered that the deadline was nearing but he had forgotten which months I had needed. So he happily asked me to tell him what was it that I needed. Now if it was specific information I can understand why he would need to ask me. But all I needed were all of the monthly totals for last year. What I am getting at is his seeming inability to think through a problem by himself. He knew that I needed figures for all 12 months. He also knew that I already have the figures for some of the months. He just could not remember which are the months that I needed from him. Why couldn't he have simply given me the figures of which ever months he had? The worst that can happen is and over lap in information, in which case I can handle easily on my end. That's what I mean by the inability to think for himself and solve the problem.
I realize that I have no respect for him at all and I don't trust him to make sound decisions regarding most issues. I feel digusted by him and the way he behaves.
I have difficulties submitting to him simply because I don't trust him. In my eyes he is a weak little boy that is so needy all the time.
I am selfish and proud. But my pride is only my way of shielding my low self-esteem.
Having said all that, how do I make up with him and stop the silent treatment?
Time:3.58am
I don't know what to do about the situation with him.
Well actually I know what can be done but I am so reluctant to do it. To give in and accept his apologies and make up would mean swallowing my pride.
Sounds rather stupid really. And pathetic too.
The situation is ridiculous. I'm not speaking to him or acknowledging his presence or answering his questions. He is hurt and at a loss for what to do. He was actually desperate enough to call my parent for help. They came over on Wednesday on some pretext to see what's going on. Then my dad came over yesterday to try to talk to me and find out what happened.
Instead of helping matters the conversation with my dad set off a new wave of depression and self loathing. It was all I can do to stop myself from bawling when my father stroked my head like when I was a little girl.
Now my parents are involved in this and they must be really worried, especially my mum. How do I tell them that everything was my own stupid fault?
How do I explain that because I can't stand stupidity and lack of initiative in myself, I am also unable to accept that he displays an even greater level of the very traits I detest?
I so want to reconcile and stop the silent treatment. But whenever I am near him or hear his voice I feel the irritation rise up from within. Every little thing that he does simply got on my nerves. I can't believe how stupid he can be.
I am lying on my side on the bed watching tv when he came back. Out of his concern for me he bought dinner knowing that I probably hadn't eaten. And then he promptly placed the tray and bag of food infront of me totally blocking my view of the screen. Normally I would have sat up so that I could continue watching and eat at the same time. But this time I was shocked and somewhat disgusted at his lack of observation. I laid there for a few minutes waiting to see if he realized the problem. But being the careless, insensitive, unobservant and thick-headed idiot that he is, he didn't notice.
I had asked him several times throughout the past 2 months for some of last year's accounting info. He suddenly remembered that the deadline was nearing but he had forgotten which months I had needed. So he happily asked me to tell him what was it that I needed. Now if it was specific information I can understand why he would need to ask me. But all I needed were all of the monthly totals for last year. What I am getting at is his seeming inability to think through a problem by himself. He knew that I needed figures for all 12 months. He also knew that I already have the figures for some of the months. He just could not remember which are the months that I needed from him. Why couldn't he have simply given me the figures of which ever months he had? The worst that can happen is and over lap in information, in which case I can handle easily on my end. That's what I mean by the inability to think for himself and solve the problem.
I realize that I have no respect for him at all and I don't trust him to make sound decisions regarding most issues. I feel digusted by him and the way he behaves.
I have difficulties submitting to him simply because I don't trust him. In my eyes he is a weak little boy that is so needy all the time.
I am selfish and proud. But my pride is only my way of shielding my low self-esteem.
Having said all that, how do I make up with him and stop the silent treatment?
Time:3.58am
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Embarrassment and Lost Memories
I hate it when I have an emotional outburst. It leaves me feeling vulnerable and weak. It is embarrassing for me. And I hate to be embarrassed.
I remember when I was about 7 or 8 my palm got smacked by the teacher for not learning my spelling. I felt totally humiliated in front of the whole class and searing pain on my palm didn't help in keeping myself under control. I was fighting so hard not to cry but as I clutched my hand against my stomach the tears started flowing. The teacher got worried when she saw me cry and came over to asked if my hand hurt. Being embarrassed enough as well as being too proud to admit that she was right I lied. I covered my embarrassment by claiming to be having a bad stomach ache. My tears didn't stop so the teacher bought it and carried me down to sick bay. Everyone believed I was really suffering from a stomach ache. Even my parents. But till this day I've never told anyone the truth about what happened.
As I grew up there were countless other times where I'd had to cover up my embarrassment. I don't remember them now. I didn't want to remember them.
I get embarrassed when a weakness of mine is exposed. I get embarrassed even infront of my parents.
My defense is anger. I turn on anyone who has the misfortune of being around when it happened. Those most badly affected are always those close to me. I'll never release my anger and frustration out on friends. They don't want to know this side of me.
Feeling incompetent and not doing a good job gets to me the most. When I perceive that that is how I am being assessed it just sparks off inside me.
When I get questioned over why things are not getting done when the reason is because of my own incompetence, it goes off.
When questioned to explain my behaviour which from my perspective will cause me more embarrassment, it goes off.
When I'm being humoured and coaxed to calm down and respond which to me is admitting defeat, it goes off.
I don't know how I became the way I am. When I tried to recall back on my formative years to try and get an clue as to what could have happened my mind draws a blank. It is as if the memories got erased. I see fleeting images and remember bits and pieces but always nothing substantive. My recount of the school incident is one of the few traumatic memories that I have.
I remember being terrified when the nurses tried to stick a tube into my nose when I was 4.
I remember getting my thumb slammed by the closing front door when I was about 4 or 5.
I remember being devastated when I was cut from the school dance performance of the year because I was sick and missed a practice when I was about 7.
I remember my grandfather passing away when I was 9.
I remember being terrified when my elder brothers started fighting while my parents were out when I was about 10.
I remember my grandmother passing away when I was 12.
After that everything just sort of meddled into one huge blur until when I turned 19. The memories since then are still fresh and vivid in my mind whether I want them to be or not. There are some memories I'd rather push back and have it meld with the puddle that made up my teen years.
I am such a messed up person inside. I should never have agreed to marry him or anyone else for that matter. At least not until I straightened myself out. It is unfair for me to dump the burden of me onto him unawares. He absolutely had no idea what he was getting himself into when he proposed. I often wonder if he ever regretted the decision as I frequently have.
I remember when I was about 7 or 8 my palm got smacked by the teacher for not learning my spelling. I felt totally humiliated in front of the whole class and searing pain on my palm didn't help in keeping myself under control. I was fighting so hard not to cry but as I clutched my hand against my stomach the tears started flowing. The teacher got worried when she saw me cry and came over to asked if my hand hurt. Being embarrassed enough as well as being too proud to admit that she was right I lied. I covered my embarrassment by claiming to be having a bad stomach ache. My tears didn't stop so the teacher bought it and carried me down to sick bay. Everyone believed I was really suffering from a stomach ache. Even my parents. But till this day I've never told anyone the truth about what happened.
As I grew up there were countless other times where I'd had to cover up my embarrassment. I don't remember them now. I didn't want to remember them.
I get embarrassed when a weakness of mine is exposed. I get embarrassed even infront of my parents.
My defense is anger. I turn on anyone who has the misfortune of being around when it happened. Those most badly affected are always those close to me. I'll never release my anger and frustration out on friends. They don't want to know this side of me.
Feeling incompetent and not doing a good job gets to me the most. When I perceive that that is how I am being assessed it just sparks off inside me.
When I get questioned over why things are not getting done when the reason is because of my own incompetence, it goes off.
When questioned to explain my behaviour which from my perspective will cause me more embarrassment, it goes off.
When I'm being humoured and coaxed to calm down and respond which to me is admitting defeat, it goes off.
I don't know how I became the way I am. When I tried to recall back on my formative years to try and get an clue as to what could have happened my mind draws a blank. It is as if the memories got erased. I see fleeting images and remember bits and pieces but always nothing substantive. My recount of the school incident is one of the few traumatic memories that I have.
I remember being terrified when the nurses tried to stick a tube into my nose when I was 4.
I remember getting my thumb slammed by the closing front door when I was about 4 or 5.
I remember being devastated when I was cut from the school dance performance of the year because I was sick and missed a practice when I was about 7.
I remember my grandfather passing away when I was 9.
I remember being terrified when my elder brothers started fighting while my parents were out when I was about 10.
I remember my grandmother passing away when I was 12.
After that everything just sort of meddled into one huge blur until when I turned 19. The memories since then are still fresh and vivid in my mind whether I want them to be or not. There are some memories I'd rather push back and have it meld with the puddle that made up my teen years.
I am such a messed up person inside. I should never have agreed to marry him or anyone else for that matter. At least not until I straightened myself out. It is unfair for me to dump the burden of me onto him unawares. He absolutely had no idea what he was getting himself into when he proposed. I often wonder if he ever regretted the decision as I frequently have.
P.M.S. Blow Up
Blew up at him on Sunday over a seemingly small and legitimate request (now on hindsight) and has hardly spoken to him since. It started out as irritation at him for making the request at that time, it got progressively worst as he began to nag (from my POV), by now I was feeling really pissed off and pointedly ignored him like I always do. After so many such conflicts and occurrences, I was, and still am, disappointed that he still doesn't notice the warning and danger signs that I give out under such happenings. I've tried telling him in more peaceful times about how I react and what best to do in such situations. But somehow it just doesn't seem to have gotten through to him.
Normally I would have simply continued to ignore him until I can find some solitude to calm down. This time it turned out quite differently. His non-stop talking and questions and remarks were really getting on my already severely grated nerves.
First I tried to tune out his voice as usual. It didn't work. Then I tried to get away by locking myself in our bedroom so that I can be by myself for a while. But he won't let me.
I was really frustrated and extremely pissed off by then. I stormed out to the hall in the hopes of putting at least a bit more distance between me and that annoying voice of his. All the time he just kept right on questioning, nagging, talking, accusing:
"Why are you being so unreasonable?";
"I can't understand why you are behaving like that.";
"I talking to you. Don't ignore me, it's rude.";
"Why can't you just do that for me? It doesn't take very long.";
"You can do it later after we come back from dinner.";
... just to list a few lines.
I can't remember what was the last thing he said that made me snap. I only remember his voice became muffled and the next thing I knew I spun around and began yelling back at him. But I remember clearly the first words out of my mouth: "Then kill me. Get rid of me."
The thoughts and words came bubbling up from inside. Things that I've felt but never allowed myself to voice out. My self-doubt, insecurities, emotions. It all just came out in clear words. No longer just thoughts within my mind. For once I was speaking the truth from my heart to him.
(Forgot to mention earlier that I was fell sick on Fri and still wasn't feeling all to well yet on Sun. Added to my irritation since I felt he was being insensitive.)
It was quite pathetic really. I started out being pissed off at him. But ended up beating myself up.
I am still not talking to him unless absolutely necessary. I've refused to let him touch me and I won't look at him. To him I am still angry at him for some reason that he just can't figure out. He has tried to make up with me. He apologized for being stupid and insensitive on Sunday many times over. Kept saying he loves me and missed me. Kept trying to get me talk to him and to make up.
From the outside and just reading these lines it may seem really sweet. But given the stated of my emotions it was like pouring oil on fire. The more he did the more difficult it was for me to cope and come to terms with myself again and what happened.
I am embarrassed at my outburst.
I am a strange person. I need to be away from people close to me when I am in the state that I am in. But yet I am not an outdoor person. Before I married and moved out, my room was my refuge from everyone. My parents knew to leave me alone when my mood changed. But unfortunately I didn't realized just how important having that refuge was to me.
I had always thought and wished that I would someday fall in love with someone and be loved back in return so completely that I won't need the refuge anymore. I knew when I got married that this relationship was far from what I had hoped. For starters I wasn't even sure I loved him at all. I married him for all the stupid reasons: I was lazy, It was convenient, He asked, The idea of getting married was exciting.
Actually I have only myself to blame for the predicament that I'm in.
It is now 7.18 in the morning. I've stayed up all night at the computer telling myself I need to get my work done. But I've done anything but work. I'm in shit and it gets deeper by every minute that passes until I finish the projects on hand. They are all extremely long over due.
Started up the program only to stare at the clips with an enormous reluctance to do anything to it. Various other things to do kept coming to mind. And finally I find myself here, at this point of my entry. I've spent over an hour putting all these down.
I can't even shrivel up and die even if I wanted to. At least not until I have fulfilled my freaking responsibilities to the clients. Sometimes I wish I was working for someone else instead. At least there are proper hours, weekends and off days. But I know I won't be able to stay long in on place though. I'm too damn lazy for my own good. I won't be able to get up at 6 am every morning to get to work.
I need help. In more areas than just with work:
- Work,
- House chores, (although he does most of it)
- Mental health,
- Emotional stability,
- Interpersonal relationships,
.... just to name some.
I just found out today the possible main reason for what happened on Sunday. I didn't realize that I was going through my monthly bout of PMS.
Sometimes it sucks to be a woman. But only sometimes.
It is now 7.38am.
Normally I would have simply continued to ignore him until I can find some solitude to calm down. This time it turned out quite differently. His non-stop talking and questions and remarks were really getting on my already severely grated nerves.
First I tried to tune out his voice as usual. It didn't work. Then I tried to get away by locking myself in our bedroom so that I can be by myself for a while. But he won't let me.
I was really frustrated and extremely pissed off by then. I stormed out to the hall in the hopes of putting at least a bit more distance between me and that annoying voice of his. All the time he just kept right on questioning, nagging, talking, accusing:
"Why are you being so unreasonable?";
"I can't understand why you are behaving like that.";
"I talking to you. Don't ignore me, it's rude.";
"Why can't you just do that for me? It doesn't take very long.";
"You can do it later after we come back from dinner.";
... just to list a few lines.
I can't remember what was the last thing he said that made me snap. I only remember his voice became muffled and the next thing I knew I spun around and began yelling back at him. But I remember clearly the first words out of my mouth: "Then kill me. Get rid of me."
The thoughts and words came bubbling up from inside. Things that I've felt but never allowed myself to voice out. My self-doubt, insecurities, emotions. It all just came out in clear words. No longer just thoughts within my mind. For once I was speaking the truth from my heart to him.
(Forgot to mention earlier that I was fell sick on Fri and still wasn't feeling all to well yet on Sun. Added to my irritation since I felt he was being insensitive.)
It was quite pathetic really. I started out being pissed off at him. But ended up beating myself up.
I am still not talking to him unless absolutely necessary. I've refused to let him touch me and I won't look at him. To him I am still angry at him for some reason that he just can't figure out. He has tried to make up with me. He apologized for being stupid and insensitive on Sunday many times over. Kept saying he loves me and missed me. Kept trying to get me talk to him and to make up.
From the outside and just reading these lines it may seem really sweet. But given the stated of my emotions it was like pouring oil on fire. The more he did the more difficult it was for me to cope and come to terms with myself again and what happened.
I am embarrassed at my outburst.
I am a strange person. I need to be away from people close to me when I am in the state that I am in. But yet I am not an outdoor person. Before I married and moved out, my room was my refuge from everyone. My parents knew to leave me alone when my mood changed. But unfortunately I didn't realized just how important having that refuge was to me.
I had always thought and wished that I would someday fall in love with someone and be loved back in return so completely that I won't need the refuge anymore. I knew when I got married that this relationship was far from what I had hoped. For starters I wasn't even sure I loved him at all. I married him for all the stupid reasons: I was lazy, It was convenient, He asked, The idea of getting married was exciting.
Actually I have only myself to blame for the predicament that I'm in.
It is now 7.18 in the morning. I've stayed up all night at the computer telling myself I need to get my work done. But I've done anything but work. I'm in shit and it gets deeper by every minute that passes until I finish the projects on hand. They are all extremely long over due.
Started up the program only to stare at the clips with an enormous reluctance to do anything to it. Various other things to do kept coming to mind. And finally I find myself here, at this point of my entry. I've spent over an hour putting all these down.
I can't even shrivel up and die even if I wanted to. At least not until I have fulfilled my freaking responsibilities to the clients. Sometimes I wish I was working for someone else instead. At least there are proper hours, weekends and off days. But I know I won't be able to stay long in on place though. I'm too damn lazy for my own good. I won't be able to get up at 6 am every morning to get to work.
I need help. In more areas than just with work:
- Work,
- House chores, (although he does most of it)
- Mental health,
- Emotional stability,
- Interpersonal relationships,
.... just to name some.
I just found out today the possible main reason for what happened on Sunday. I didn't realize that I was going through my monthly bout of PMS.
Sometimes it sucks to be a woman. But only sometimes.
It is now 7.38am.
Friday, February 04, 2005
To Do List
- Laundry
- Digitizing KJ's video footages
- Listening to KJ's song selection
- Editing KJ's video footages
- Wrapping up Jan accounts
- Sort out bills, invoices, statements and receipts for Jan and Feb
- Key in latest balance payment
- Send out Jan statement of accounts to clients
- Generate quotation to C&C for 15 Feb
- Generate quotation to IMC for 25 Feb
- Generate deposit statements for 2 couples
- Answer course emails
- Prepare customized course content for SWA
- Issue cheque payment to CZ
- Buy baskets for CZ, CHC, TWGS and KC
- Clean up desk
- Clear up surrounding area of desk
- Review above items and generate another to do list
Monday, January 31, 2005
He Deserves Better
He deserves someone who loves and cherishes him. Not someone like me who treats him so heartlessly.
When he is not feeling well or is tired, I feel no sympathy or worry for him anymore. When he cries out in pain I get irritated not worried. When he yells at the sight of a gecko I frown and get frustrate because it only means that I have to hunt down and kill the damn thing, even if it takes all night.
There is more resentment in my heart for him than love.
He does try in his own way to make me happy. But it's not what I want. He is not what I want. He is not what I need. And with feelings like these, I am not good for him. But why can't he see that? Or is he refusing to see it? Why is he so adamant in loving me?
I don't feel secure with him. In fact I feel like I have to look out for us all the time. Whenever I tried to let him be the 'man' and take the lead, things go wrong.
He needs someone who is more secure in themselves and who doesn't mind taking the lead most of the time.
I'm not like that. I need to know that my partner is able to take care of me and himself. I need to be able to feel safe when we go out or when I'm in his arms. I need to be able to look up to my partner. I need to know that it's ok even if I don't know the way or if I didn't notice the turn, because he was looking out for it as well.
We should be able to share some common ideals, beliefs, goals and mindsets. But I don't feel like we do. We share nothing in common. We don't see eye to eye on most matters. Sometimes he compromises to me just to avoid another argument. Most of the time I simply shut up and walk away before I end up saying something that shouldn't be said.
There is no mutual understanding. I don't really understand him and he definitely doesn't understand me.
As the days go by I am finding it more and more difficult to trust in him anymore. Not that he will be unfaithful to me, he has an incredibly low sex drive, but more like I don't trust his ability to make sound decisions. I find myself second guessing him all the time and I hate it. I need to be able to trust my partner, my husband. But most of the time my mind will yell out at him, "You stupid idiot! Why the hell did you do that for?!" or "Why can't you use your own brain and think for yourself!" But I always bite my tongue and stop from screaming out at him. I know that once certain things get said out loud it can never be taken back.
I cringe from his touch now. It feels awkward to even hold hands when we go out. When we hug I feel like I'm hugging a friend.
This is not how a marriage is suppose to be.
How did it come to this?
When he is not feeling well or is tired, I feel no sympathy or worry for him anymore. When he cries out in pain I get irritated not worried. When he yells at the sight of a gecko I frown and get frustrate because it only means that I have to hunt down and kill the damn thing, even if it takes all night.
There is more resentment in my heart for him than love.
He does try in his own way to make me happy. But it's not what I want. He is not what I want. He is not what I need. And with feelings like these, I am not good for him. But why can't he see that? Or is he refusing to see it? Why is he so adamant in loving me?
I don't feel secure with him. In fact I feel like I have to look out for us all the time. Whenever I tried to let him be the 'man' and take the lead, things go wrong.
He needs someone who is more secure in themselves and who doesn't mind taking the lead most of the time.
I'm not like that. I need to know that my partner is able to take care of me and himself. I need to be able to feel safe when we go out or when I'm in his arms. I need to be able to look up to my partner. I need to know that it's ok even if I don't know the way or if I didn't notice the turn, because he was looking out for it as well.
We should be able to share some common ideals, beliefs, goals and mindsets. But I don't feel like we do. We share nothing in common. We don't see eye to eye on most matters. Sometimes he compromises to me just to avoid another argument. Most of the time I simply shut up and walk away before I end up saying something that shouldn't be said.
There is no mutual understanding. I don't really understand him and he definitely doesn't understand me.
As the days go by I am finding it more and more difficult to trust in him anymore. Not that he will be unfaithful to me, he has an incredibly low sex drive, but more like I don't trust his ability to make sound decisions. I find myself second guessing him all the time and I hate it. I need to be able to trust my partner, my husband. But most of the time my mind will yell out at him, "You stupid idiot! Why the hell did you do that for?!" or "Why can't you use your own brain and think for yourself!" But I always bite my tongue and stop from screaming out at him. I know that once certain things get said out loud it can never be taken back.
I cringe from his touch now. It feels awkward to even hold hands when we go out. When we hug I feel like I'm hugging a friend.
This is not how a marriage is suppose to be.
How did it come to this?
Internal Turmoil
Actually I'm feeling rather half hearted about making this entry. I have many issues to put down and yet I have none. The thoughts are chasing around in my head again. I hate it when this happens. Before I can finish with one thought, idea, emotion or reaction another one comes rushing in. It's difficult to concentrate when my mind is in such internal turmoil.
*Sigh!*
Perhaps it's because I didn't pen(or in this case type) down my thoughts/emotions frequently enough to keep up with my seemingly hyperactive neurons. There was no outlet for them so they chase each other around the playground, which happens to be my mind, to amuse themselves.
Ok let me try and sort things out a bit....
(in no particular order... yet)
Point 13 kind of sums up why I'm feeling so shity now and for most of my pathetic life.
I am so constantly plagued by my own insecurities that it has rendered me socially handicapped. It takes a great deal out of me to be around people and having to interact with them. I can deal with mingling and entertaining in short spurts, but to do it constantly drains me. It strips away my ability to shield myself from self-doubt. I start to feel stupid and wit-less. When that happens I become increasingly short fused towards the ones closes to me, which only adds to the depress me further.
I hate myself. I hate my total lack of self-discipline. I hate my laziness. I hate my temper. I hate my pride. I hate my selfishness. I hate my inability to love others. I hate my constant discontentment. I hate my stupidity. I just hate myself.
I feel like such a fraud. A fake. A hypocrite.
No, not 'feel like'. I AM a fraud, a fake, a hypocrite.
*Sigh!*
Perhaps it's because I didn't pen(or in this case type) down my thoughts/emotions frequently enough to keep up with my seemingly hyperactive neurons. There was no outlet for them so they chase each other around the playground, which happens to be my mind, to amuse themselves.
Ok let me try and sort things out a bit....
(in no particular order... yet)
- The ever increasing stress level to complete three jobs that will mark my final projects in that field.
- The first dateline for the above projects is in 7 days and I've not yet been able to start on it.
- My desk is constantly in a mess.
- I have no life.
- I cringe from the touch of my husband.
- I get extremely irritable when I'm with him.
- I get annoyed and disgusted at his seeming inability to withstand pain.
- I get annoyed at how attention seeking he can be.
- I am frustrated that my life and marriage is turning out the way it is.
- I am depressed coz I know that I am the reason why I'm in this rut in the first place.
- I am a selfish, insensitive and cruel bitch.
- I find no joy or meaning to anything I do any more.
- I think I suffer from chronic depression.
Point 13 kind of sums up why I'm feeling so shity now and for most of my pathetic life.
I am so constantly plagued by my own insecurities that it has rendered me socially handicapped. It takes a great deal out of me to be around people and having to interact with them. I can deal with mingling and entertaining in short spurts, but to do it constantly drains me. It strips away my ability to shield myself from self-doubt. I start to feel stupid and wit-less. When that happens I become increasingly short fused towards the ones closes to me, which only adds to the depress me further.
I hate myself. I hate my total lack of self-discipline. I hate my laziness. I hate my temper. I hate my pride. I hate my selfishness. I hate my inability to love others. I hate my constant discontentment. I hate my stupidity. I just hate myself.
I feel like such a fraud. A fake. A hypocrite.
No, not 'feel like'. I AM a fraud, a fake, a hypocrite.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
My Current Obsession
Recently I've been strangely obsessed with a particular Japanese manga series. I've spent hours reading the translated chapters online and then more hours searching for other information about the story and then some more hours searching for and reading fanfiction based on the characters. I'm beginning to buy the graphic novel even though I know it's going to cost me quite a bit to collect all the volumes.
I've wondered about why I'm so obsessed with this one particular series. I've never been much of a manga fan. I've enjoyed some of the more intriguing anime movies but no one series has ever caught my attention and held it for so long.
And then I realized the attraction this particular story held for me. The immediate attraction was the fact that it was totally impossible and unreal, it gave an escape from my own realities. But what held me were the two central characters. The relationship and bond between them, the unspoken emotions that they felt (but were conveniently explained to the readers), the struggles that they faced about each other and themselves. It also helped that the male lead is really cool and cute.
I know that the description I just typed fits a lot of stories and movies around. So why is this one so special? Frankly I'm not sure myself. I just feel drawn into the story and I can picture the scenes and hear the conversations and exchanges as I read the text. Watching the anime version helps a lot when reading the manga, especially in the voicing and sound effects.
I know I'm obsessed when it's the last thing I think about when I go to bed, it's the first thing that comes to mind when I wake up, the names and story are constantly in my mind throughout the day, I had even wished I could dream about the characters and the story in my sleep.
But although I know that I'm totally engrossed in the story, I'm reluctant to stop. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Perhaps it will just fade through time as I move on or grow up some more.
Whatever it is, as least for the time being I have a place to retreat to and hide away from my responsibilities, unhappiness and husband.
I've wondered about why I'm so obsessed with this one particular series. I've never been much of a manga fan. I've enjoyed some of the more intriguing anime movies but no one series has ever caught my attention and held it for so long.
And then I realized the attraction this particular story held for me. The immediate attraction was the fact that it was totally impossible and unreal, it gave an escape from my own realities. But what held me were the two central characters. The relationship and bond between them, the unspoken emotions that they felt (but were conveniently explained to the readers), the struggles that they faced about each other and themselves. It also helped that the male lead is really cool and cute.
I know that the description I just typed fits a lot of stories and movies around. So why is this one so special? Frankly I'm not sure myself. I just feel drawn into the story and I can picture the scenes and hear the conversations and exchanges as I read the text. Watching the anime version helps a lot when reading the manga, especially in the voicing and sound effects.
I know I'm obsessed when it's the last thing I think about when I go to bed, it's the first thing that comes to mind when I wake up, the names and story are constantly in my mind throughout the day, I had even wished I could dream about the characters and the story in my sleep.
But although I know that I'm totally engrossed in the story, I'm reluctant to stop. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Perhaps it will just fade through time as I move on or grow up some more.
Whatever it is, as least for the time being I have a place to retreat to and hide away from my responsibilities, unhappiness and husband.
Monday, January 10, 2005
Futile Yearnings
I was a fool to think that I was noble enough to accept him being shorter and physically smaller than me. I was such a fool.
I can't accept it!
How I long to have a strong chest to lean against when I'm standing up. To be hugged by strong arms. To feel safe and protected.
I will always have this shadow in my heart as long as I'm with him. The only time I can hope to deceive myself into seeking comfort in his arms is when we are in bed, when our difference in height is not that apparent, when I can pretend that he is taller than me.
How do I put into words the pain, the longing and the guilt that I feel everyday.
I can't accept it!
How I long to have a strong chest to lean against when I'm standing up. To be hugged by strong arms. To feel safe and protected.
I will always have this shadow in my heart as long as I'm with him. The only time I can hope to deceive myself into seeking comfort in his arms is when we are in bed, when our difference in height is not that apparent, when I can pretend that he is taller than me.
How do I put into words the pain, the longing and the guilt that I feel everyday.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
A Name and Our Silence
As I surf around other blogs I noticed one thing: most if not all of them have interesting names/titles. Then I looked at mine and realize how simple and boring my blog title is. But I can't seem to come up with anything interesting and is true to the meaning and purpose of the site. So I guess My Thotz will remain as is for now.
==
I wish I didn't have to come home tonight. Actually it doesn't feel like home at all. There's no warmth in this house.
We haven't spoken a word to each other the entire day. He's in front of me working on his computer while talking to his friend on the phone. And I'm in front of my computer making this entry. We didn't greet each other when I came back earlier. I couldn't even bring myself to look in his direction.
To be honest I'm not sure what happened. I don't even remember why I'm angry. But somehow I can't bring myself to start talking to him. He's not talking to me either.
==
I wish I didn't have to come home tonight. Actually it doesn't feel like home at all. There's no warmth in this house.
We haven't spoken a word to each other the entire day. He's in front of me working on his computer while talking to his friend on the phone. And I'm in front of my computer making this entry. We didn't greet each other when I came back earlier. I couldn't even bring myself to look in his direction.
To be honest I'm not sure what happened. I don't even remember why I'm angry. But somehow I can't bring myself to start talking to him. He's not talking to me either.
Insights
Playing the victim and wallowing in self pity and puffed up indignation is strangely comfortable.
That realization came from a most unexpected source: a Japanese anime called The Twelve Kingdoms. One of the characters was in and argument with another over who has endured the most sufferings in their lives when one of them rebuked the other by pointing out that no one actually suffers more than others, everyone feels pain equally. But if the pain or suffering was really bad, she (one of the characters) would have really tried ways to get out of the situation instead of always lamenting and blaming others. The fact was that by playing the victim was a more comfortable state of mind to be in, than to have to take responsibility for herself.
That struck a cord with me. Made me wonder if I was doing the same thing. The more I thought about it, the more likely it became. Often times when faced with difficult situations or uncomfortable confrontations, especially if I had to explain myself or my actions, I turn around and assume the mindset and attitude of a someone who was victimized. It justified my thoughts and actions. It allowed me to shrink from my responsibilities and the consequences of my own actions.
But I suppose that's our basic human nature: to shift the blame of anything unpleasant to something or someone else but ourselves. That's the legacy that was left to us by Adam and Eve.
realizing something and actually acting upon it are town entirely different things. I admit that I will continue 'playing victim' because the thought of carrying blame and facing up to my faults is just too much bear. I'm a coward and a hypocrite.
==
My mind is always on what has happened or what might happen, but it is never on what is happening now. That's where all my regrets come from: by not paying attention to the now and doing what needs to be done or doing what's right.
==
How can I expect others to understand me when I don't understand myself most of the time?
That's a question that I asked myself many years ago when I first became aware that I have a problem coping socially. I asked that again today as it has become relevant again.
==
I argue with myself so much that many of the things that I initially wanted to write down have now either become null or confused. I started many sentences before this one but I can never complete them. Just deleted another start of a sentence.
==
I am dwelling. I feel better now after dumping all that in here. I feel like thinking about the holidays I've been on now.
That realization came from a most unexpected source: a Japanese anime called The Twelve Kingdoms. One of the characters was in and argument with another over who has endured the most sufferings in their lives when one of them rebuked the other by pointing out that no one actually suffers more than others, everyone feels pain equally. But if the pain or suffering was really bad, she (one of the characters) would have really tried ways to get out of the situation instead of always lamenting and blaming others. The fact was that by playing the victim was a more comfortable state of mind to be in, than to have to take responsibility for herself.
That struck a cord with me. Made me wonder if I was doing the same thing. The more I thought about it, the more likely it became. Often times when faced with difficult situations or uncomfortable confrontations, especially if I had to explain myself or my actions, I turn around and assume the mindset and attitude of a someone who was victimized. It justified my thoughts and actions. It allowed me to shrink from my responsibilities and the consequences of my own actions.
But I suppose that's our basic human nature: to shift the blame of anything unpleasant to something or someone else but ourselves. That's the legacy that was left to us by Adam and Eve.
realizing something and actually acting upon it are town entirely different things. I admit that I will continue 'playing victim' because the thought of carrying blame and facing up to my faults is just too much bear. I'm a coward and a hypocrite.
==
My mind is always on what has happened or what might happen, but it is never on what is happening now. That's where all my regrets come from: by not paying attention to the now and doing what needs to be done or doing what's right.
==
How can I expect others to understand me when I don't understand myself most of the time?
That's a question that I asked myself many years ago when I first became aware that I have a problem coping socially. I asked that again today as it has become relevant again.
==
I argue with myself so much that many of the things that I initially wanted to write down have now either become null or confused. I started many sentences before this one but I can never complete them. Just deleted another start of a sentence.
==
I am dwelling. I feel better now after dumping all that in here. I feel like thinking about the holidays I've been on now.
Saturday, January 01, 2005
Aftermath of Boxing Day Tsunami - My Take
Was reading an entry on bv's site and what was said helped to explain my reactions to the calamity in South & South-east Asia: I am saddened not so much by the incredible loss of lives, but more so by my inability to feel any more strongly about the event and the people affected.
As I watch the news everyday, hear about the many stories of miraculous escapes or heart wrenching losses, watch the many different footages of the waves and water, view the images of countless blackened bodies, I am strangely numb.
The visuals and reports has a detachment to it that makes it very difficult for me to emphatize/sympathize with the surviving victims of what is called the worst natural disaster in modern history. I find it difficult to comprehend or imagine the destruction, smells, sights and sounds that are reported and shown on tv.
It is disgusting sometimes to realize how sheltered and complacent we can become when the place you grew up in hardly ever experiences any disasters or catastrophes. That's how I'm feeling now: disgusted. Not by the gruesome images that are sometimes shown, but by the fact that I don't feel much pain or sorrow and to make it worst, I don't even really feel the compulsion to do much about it. Of course the easiest way to help is to donate money to the relief effort. But even that poses a dilemma: how much should I give? how much would quiet my conscience that I contributed?
Yet life has to go on, and indeed for the rest of the world, as we watched, time goes on and life moves on. Which makes it all the more difficult to truly react to the situation with the proper respect that a calamity of this magnitude deserves.
As the death toll rises to staggering figures of more than 100 000, that alone creates a sense of detachment as it inevitably becomes simply an incredible statistic. It is hard to truly accept and comprehend such a huge loss of human lives when all you see and hear are what's available in the papers, on tv and on the internet.
But I suppose that's the same with any disaster in any part of the world with any number of lives lost. You really need to either be there personally or be closely affected by the event to understand and feel the grief and sense of loss.
I am thankful that my family and I are safe. Yet I feel guilty at the same time that we are spared while there are so many others who were not. Times like these really makes you wonder and ask the natural question of 'Why?' But if you think about it, would it really help or make a difference if we did know the reason(s) behind such events? What would we do with such information? Will we be able to handle such truths? Perhaps that's why we are not meant to understand everything about such happenings. Times like these really are incredible tests of faith.
My respect goes out to volunteers who are personally and physically involved in the relief effort, both in the their countries and at the affected areas. Especially to those who has to handle the many bodies and cope with the images and smells that would no doubt remain in their memories for the rest of their lives.
As I watch the news everyday, hear about the many stories of miraculous escapes or heart wrenching losses, watch the many different footages of the waves and water, view the images of countless blackened bodies, I am strangely numb.
The visuals and reports has a detachment to it that makes it very difficult for me to emphatize/sympathize with the surviving victims of what is called the worst natural disaster in modern history. I find it difficult to comprehend or imagine the destruction, smells, sights and sounds that are reported and shown on tv.
It is disgusting sometimes to realize how sheltered and complacent we can become when the place you grew up in hardly ever experiences any disasters or catastrophes. That's how I'm feeling now: disgusted. Not by the gruesome images that are sometimes shown, but by the fact that I don't feel much pain or sorrow and to make it worst, I don't even really feel the compulsion to do much about it. Of course the easiest way to help is to donate money to the relief effort. But even that poses a dilemma: how much should I give? how much would quiet my conscience that I contributed?
Yet life has to go on, and indeed for the rest of the world, as we watched, time goes on and life moves on. Which makes it all the more difficult to truly react to the situation with the proper respect that a calamity of this magnitude deserves.
As the death toll rises to staggering figures of more than 100 000, that alone creates a sense of detachment as it inevitably becomes simply an incredible statistic. It is hard to truly accept and comprehend such a huge loss of human lives when all you see and hear are what's available in the papers, on tv and on the internet.
But I suppose that's the same with any disaster in any part of the world with any number of lives lost. You really need to either be there personally or be closely affected by the event to understand and feel the grief and sense of loss.
I am thankful that my family and I are safe. Yet I feel guilty at the same time that we are spared while there are so many others who were not. Times like these really makes you wonder and ask the natural question of 'Why?' But if you think about it, would it really help or make a difference if we did know the reason(s) behind such events? What would we do with such information? Will we be able to handle such truths? Perhaps that's why we are not meant to understand everything about such happenings. Times like these really are incredible tests of faith.
My respect goes out to volunteers who are personally and physically involved in the relief effort, both in the their countries and at the affected areas. Especially to those who has to handle the many bodies and cope with the images and smells that would no doubt remain in their memories for the rest of their lives.
First musings of the new year
It's a new year..... so?
I have so much to say but don't know how to put them or even where to start.
I'm in a melancholy sort of mood at the moment.
I don't know how long I can go on pretending that I am in love with the man I married.
I think I really need to find another life for myself so that I will have the courage to leave him on day and be on my own.
As I stare at the screen and keyboard, my mind is a whirl of thots too many and too fast to make sense of and type out.
All I can comprehend is this heavy sadness on my heart tonight.
It was another pathetic crossing from one year to the next. And what made it more so than the others I've experienced before is the fact that I have supposedly found my life partner with whom I should enjoy sharing such moments together.
I wish I could turn back time and choose again.
If I could here's what I'll do:
- Study harder,
- Say no to C,
- Say no to K,
- Say no to J,
- Look out for people who are like-minded and ignore those who didn't care, instead of dwelling on why no one thot about the same things as me and how to make others befriend me.
- Would not have join the uniform group in school
If only time can be turned back like the hands of a clock.
I made the mistake of taking a look at my ex-bf's honeymoon pix when I happen to stumble upon his online photo album thru another friend's site.
I'm not upset that they have found and married each other. But I am upset that they are happy while I'm not. That he has found someone he loves so much it made him want to marry her, while I'm trying to pretend that I've found someone I love and am happy with.
I feel so foolish now doing all those things for him, especially during our wedding. I feel cheated and stupid. Why didn't I just say no in the first place?
We had sex on the night of his birthday. It was after a long break of about 2 months or more without intercourse. But as I had expected it was uneventful and lasted for about 5 to 7 mins.
I am not sure which is worst: nagging at him and telling him off all the time, or simply keeping quiet and allow him to do whatever he wants however he wants.
I have so much to say but don't know how to put them or even where to start.
I'm in a melancholy sort of mood at the moment.
I don't know how long I can go on pretending that I am in love with the man I married.
I think I really need to find another life for myself so that I will have the courage to leave him on day and be on my own.
As I stare at the screen and keyboard, my mind is a whirl of thots too many and too fast to make sense of and type out.
All I can comprehend is this heavy sadness on my heart tonight.
It was another pathetic crossing from one year to the next. And what made it more so than the others I've experienced before is the fact that I have supposedly found my life partner with whom I should enjoy sharing such moments together.
I wish I could turn back time and choose again.
If I could here's what I'll do:
- Study harder,
- Say no to C,
- Say no to K,
- Say no to J,
- Look out for people who are like-minded and ignore those who didn't care, instead of dwelling on why no one thot about the same things as me and how to make others befriend me.
- Would not have join the uniform group in school
If only time can be turned back like the hands of a clock.
I made the mistake of taking a look at my ex-bf's honeymoon pix when I happen to stumble upon his online photo album thru another friend's site.
I'm not upset that they have found and married each other. But I am upset that they are happy while I'm not. That he has found someone he loves so much it made him want to marry her, while I'm trying to pretend that I've found someone I love and am happy with.
I feel so foolish now doing all those things for him, especially during our wedding. I feel cheated and stupid. Why didn't I just say no in the first place?
We had sex on the night of his birthday. It was after a long break of about 2 months or more without intercourse. But as I had expected it was uneventful and lasted for about 5 to 7 mins.
I am not sure which is worst: nagging at him and telling him off all the time, or simply keeping quiet and allow him to do whatever he wants however he wants.
Friday, December 17, 2004
Venting
I am in another one of my funky moods now.
I think maybe this is how my minds reacts to pressure and stress.
I should be working on a project that is due tomorrow at 3pm. But instead I'm typing in here.
In an extremely irritable mood and he wants me to help feed his dog!
His dog.... that mutt was the catalyst for my current funkiness. It was irritating and frustrating to have a serious discussion while trying to walk along a dimly lit and uneven pathway with a little mutt under your feet.
Having to eat dinner (consisting of 9 dried nuggets and water) in an extremely crowded and noisy area doesn't help either. I could barely hear myself talk.
The night was fine up till then. Now not only do I have to cope with finishing the project, I have to deal with my funkiness, his dog and him all at the same time.
I need some time out!
I think maybe this is how my minds reacts to pressure and stress.
I should be working on a project that is due tomorrow at 3pm. But instead I'm typing in here.
In an extremely irritable mood and he wants me to help feed his dog!
His dog.... that mutt was the catalyst for my current funkiness. It was irritating and frustrating to have a serious discussion while trying to walk along a dimly lit and uneven pathway with a little mutt under your feet.
Having to eat dinner (consisting of 9 dried nuggets and water) in an extremely crowded and noisy area doesn't help either. I could barely hear myself talk.
The night was fine up till then. Now not only do I have to cope with finishing the project, I have to deal with my funkiness, his dog and him all at the same time.
I need some time out!
Monday, December 13, 2004
I Love Him, I Love Him Not
I wish our love was so strong that it hurts to be apart from each other. But it isn't so. For him it may seem so but it doesn't seem the same for me.
Just read someone's blog on how it hurt that he has to go away without his partner for a while. Well my partner just went and came back and I didn't really feel anything. I wanted to miss him. Even tried to make myself feel that I missed him but truth is I didn't.
It seemed normal to me that he isn't around during the day or even at night in bed. I hugged my pillows and watched TV till I was sleepy and fell asleep. He called several times to say he missed me. It was sweet of him. In my effort to pretend that I missed him, I called him as well.
After the last post I did leave the house. I left for two days and did a lot of thinking and crying. Wanted to blog about everything that went through my head and heart but couldn't find a station. Talk about pathetic.
After much thinking I felt that it was time he knew about how I really feel. I told him that I felt it was a mistake that we got married. I told him that I wasn't happy. And I told him that I didn't love him. It was liberating to be able to finally tell him all that but strangely at the same time it hurt as well to tell him those things. It was especially difficult to say I didn't love him.
I was all prepared to talk about separation at that point. But instead of going there he suggested that we seek counseling and help to make the marriage work. I didn't want to as I didn't see the point in having someone else tell me what I already know.
He is the one keeping this marriage together. He was the one who convinced me to come back and give it another try, one day at a time. He is the one who can't live without me.
Then what about me?
It warms a little part of me to know that he loves me so much that it doesn't matter if I didn't love him back, as long as I am with him and sharing his life is good enough for him.
I told myself when I came back, that I will try to be good to this man. I will try to learn to love him. I will try to make this work.
I also told myself not to expect any change in his sexual behavior towards me. I will not try to be sexy for him any more. I will not initiate any form of sexual intimacy any more. I will not expect much foreplay from him when we do engage in sexual activity. I will not expect him to last.
I took pains to learn an exotic dance which I performed during our wedding dinner. I was expecting him to respond sexually to me after it. But I was greatly disappointed.
It's sad but that's the only way I can keep myself from becoming increasingly unsatisfied. I will not have any expectations at all.
If we have sex once in a while that's a bonus.
What a marriage! I know that sex is not a major part in a marriage. But the tenderness and the closeness that is shared during love making is. That's what's missing.
The companionship is there. Communication when it comes to non-personal topics is great, but breaks downs a little whenever the subject turns personal. That's largely my fault I suppose. I'm not one who opens up easily. It gets more difficult when I don't feel that what ever I've shared was taken seriously. Now I'm at a point where I don't think it makes any difference anymore if I shared or not. And actually he doesn't even noticed it.
I don't know what to think or do about the relationship except to just let one day pass by at a time.
I am planning some activities for his birthday that's coming up. I suppose I'm doing it more for myself than for him really. I guess I just enjoy planning things. At least that has some semblance of order, unlike the rest of my life.
I am a very contradictory person. I say I don't love him yet I'm planning a massage session, romantic lunch, hotel stay and a night at the theatre (performance) for his birthday.
What can I say, I am a messed up person.
Just read someone's blog on how it hurt that he has to go away without his partner for a while. Well my partner just went and came back and I didn't really feel anything. I wanted to miss him. Even tried to make myself feel that I missed him but truth is I didn't.
It seemed normal to me that he isn't around during the day or even at night in bed. I hugged my pillows and watched TV till I was sleepy and fell asleep. He called several times to say he missed me. It was sweet of him. In my effort to pretend that I missed him, I called him as well.
After the last post I did leave the house. I left for two days and did a lot of thinking and crying. Wanted to blog about everything that went through my head and heart but couldn't find a station. Talk about pathetic.
After much thinking I felt that it was time he knew about how I really feel. I told him that I felt it was a mistake that we got married. I told him that I wasn't happy. And I told him that I didn't love him. It was liberating to be able to finally tell him all that but strangely at the same time it hurt as well to tell him those things. It was especially difficult to say I didn't love him.
I was all prepared to talk about separation at that point. But instead of going there he suggested that we seek counseling and help to make the marriage work. I didn't want to as I didn't see the point in having someone else tell me what I already know.
He is the one keeping this marriage together. He was the one who convinced me to come back and give it another try, one day at a time. He is the one who can't live without me.
Then what about me?
It warms a little part of me to know that he loves me so much that it doesn't matter if I didn't love him back, as long as I am with him and sharing his life is good enough for him.
I told myself when I came back, that I will try to be good to this man. I will try to learn to love him. I will try to make this work.
I also told myself not to expect any change in his sexual behavior towards me. I will not try to be sexy for him any more. I will not initiate any form of sexual intimacy any more. I will not expect much foreplay from him when we do engage in sexual activity. I will not expect him to last.
I took pains to learn an exotic dance which I performed during our wedding dinner. I was expecting him to respond sexually to me after it. But I was greatly disappointed.
It's sad but that's the only way I can keep myself from becoming increasingly unsatisfied. I will not have any expectations at all.
If we have sex once in a while that's a bonus.
What a marriage! I know that sex is not a major part in a marriage. But the tenderness and the closeness that is shared during love making is. That's what's missing.
The companionship is there. Communication when it comes to non-personal topics is great, but breaks downs a little whenever the subject turns personal. That's largely my fault I suppose. I'm not one who opens up easily. It gets more difficult when I don't feel that what ever I've shared was taken seriously. Now I'm at a point where I don't think it makes any difference anymore if I shared or not. And actually he doesn't even noticed it.
I don't know what to think or do about the relationship except to just let one day pass by at a time.
I am planning some activities for his birthday that's coming up. I suppose I'm doing it more for myself than for him really. I guess I just enjoy planning things. At least that has some semblance of order, unlike the rest of my life.
I am a very contradictory person. I say I don't love him yet I'm planning a massage session, romantic lunch, hotel stay and a night at the theatre (performance) for his birthday.
What can I say, I am a messed up person.
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Discontent
I wish I could live a different life.
One where the struggle to get things done isn't as difficult. A life where I can be more in control of my thoughts and actions.
I envy my friends who have found love, success and purpose in their life. What have I achieved in the same time span? Nothing but failures and regrets.
I'm just too lazy.
I wanted to leave the house today. To leave him for a few days. I really meant to but now I find myself stuck to my chair in front of the computer typing and complaining away.
I don't know how to deal with him and my melancholy at the same time. And him not being able to detect or understand that I get this way sometimes does not help. I hate explaining myself when I am in this 'funky' mood. It makes it worst when I am questioned relentlessly with the same questions: What's wrong with you? Why are you acting like that?, over and over again. It drives me against the wall and deeper into my depression. Why can't he understand that even after having explained it to him several times?
I have come to fully accept that there is no real love between my husband and I. He probably does love me as he claims but I certainly don't feel any love for him. I just feel a sense of obligation and a small need to fulfill my motherly instincts at times. But I am reluctant to sacrifice anything for him. I am unwilling to give in to him in any way. I am unable to be kissed by him in public without being embarrassed. I am reluctant to be seen naked by him.
He doesn't seem to be making much effort to learn about me and to understand me quietly. He is always asking for me to tell him things, to explain my every thought and action and behavior, to tell him why.
I need someone stronger than me, smarter than me. I need to be able to look up to my husband and feel protected by him in any situation and circumstance. I need to know that I have the understanding and support of my husband during my bouts of melancholia and depression. I need to feel his tenderness when we are in bed, not childish baby talk or faked porn sounds. I need to know that he loves me and is also attracted to my body. I need to know that I turn him on just by being close to him. I need to feel wanted and cherished.
I want to be taken care of. To be encouraged and supported to pursue my dreams. I need to able to be myself and to let go of my inhibitions when I am with him.
I was blind, stupid and lazy. Looking back it seems like I have been like that all my life. What's wrong with me?
What do I hope to achieve by writing all this down here?
I am only 28 or I am already 28?
The first statement brings hope that there is still room and time to change things.
The second speaks of a permanent condition, what else can I do to change things?
If I do not leave the house soon I will not be able to get away from him and will have to put up with his nagging and childish ways in my current state of mind. But where do I go? What will I do?
Everything I have is not my own. Even the clothes I wear are not bought by my own money. They were either bought by Jo or by my husband. I'm not sure how it ended up that way. I suppose only my monitor, keyboard, speakers, sandals and underwear (the old ones) are the only things I can say for certain are my own. I look around me and everything I see belongs to him or to the company. Even my treasured computer was paid for by the company when we upgraded.
I am such a pathetic creature that I make myself sick.
I wish I could live a different life.
One where the struggle to get things done isn't as difficult. A life where I can be more in control of my thoughts and actions.
I envy my friends who have found love, success and purpose in their life. What have I achieved in the same time span? Nothing but failures and regrets.
I'm just too lazy.
I wanted to leave the house today. To leave him for a few days. I really meant to but now I find myself stuck to my chair in front of the computer typing and complaining away.
I don't know how to deal with him and my melancholy at the same time. And him not being able to detect or understand that I get this way sometimes does not help. I hate explaining myself when I am in this 'funky' mood. It makes it worst when I am questioned relentlessly with the same questions: What's wrong with you? Why are you acting like that?, over and over again. It drives me against the wall and deeper into my depression. Why can't he understand that even after having explained it to him several times?
I have come to fully accept that there is no real love between my husband and I. He probably does love me as he claims but I certainly don't feel any love for him. I just feel a sense of obligation and a small need to fulfill my motherly instincts at times. But I am reluctant to sacrifice anything for him. I am unwilling to give in to him in any way. I am unable to be kissed by him in public without being embarrassed. I am reluctant to be seen naked by him.
He doesn't seem to be making much effort to learn about me and to understand me quietly. He is always asking for me to tell him things, to explain my every thought and action and behavior, to tell him why.
I need someone stronger than me, smarter than me. I need to be able to look up to my husband and feel protected by him in any situation and circumstance. I need to know that I have the understanding and support of my husband during my bouts of melancholia and depression. I need to feel his tenderness when we are in bed, not childish baby talk or faked porn sounds. I need to know that he loves me and is also attracted to my body. I need to know that I turn him on just by being close to him. I need to feel wanted and cherished.
I want to be taken care of. To be encouraged and supported to pursue my dreams. I need to able to be myself and to let go of my inhibitions when I am with him.
I was blind, stupid and lazy. Looking back it seems like I have been like that all my life. What's wrong with me?
What do I hope to achieve by writing all this down here?
I am only 28 or I am already 28?
The first statement brings hope that there is still room and time to change things.
The second speaks of a permanent condition, what else can I do to change things?
If I do not leave the house soon I will not be able to get away from him and will have to put up with his nagging and childish ways in my current state of mind. But where do I go? What will I do?
Everything I have is not my own. Even the clothes I wear are not bought by my own money. They were either bought by Jo or by my husband. I'm not sure how it ended up that way. I suppose only my monitor, keyboard, speakers, sandals and underwear (the old ones) are the only things I can say for certain are my own. I look around me and everything I see belongs to him or to the company. Even my treasured computer was paid for by the company when we upgraded.
I am such a pathetic creature that I make myself sick.
I wish I could live a different life.
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