An Unrealized and Unfinished Dream From the Past

Something I wrote about 2 years ago. The feelings and longing that went into it are still as strong now as they were then. But it's been two years and I still can't finish the story. I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to find the ending.

It all became too much for her to bear. There was pressure from all sides. She felt isolated from her family. A little abandoned by them as well. She felt trapped in her relationship. She had no love for him yet she dared not leave him. She was afraid to let him down. She thought by marrying him she would learn to love him as much as he loved her. But she was wrong and the weight of that decision grows heavier as the days go by. Some days it was easier to bear. Some days she even thought she felt love for him and believed that all will be well after all. But it was all an illusion that fades all too quickly. As she went through her list of friends there wasn’t one that she could call upon for solace. She didn’t think they would understand. She didn’t want to bother them with her problems as they would no doubt have problems of their own to deal with. She felt incompetent at work as she sees the pile grow higher every day with no end in sight. She felt pinned under the increasing responsibility of maintaining and expanding the business. She was afraid of being indispensable. She felt chained.

She was alone, without help, without refuge, without support, with no way out.

She wanted to be free, to be happy, to love.

Disappearing for a few days, divorce, even suicide were ways of escaping that crossed her mind frequently. But there are always factors to hold her back, sensible, logical thoughts that kept her where she was. ‘Where would you go?’ ‘What would you do?’ ‘How would you survive?’ ‘How can you hurt those who love you?’ ‘How can you be so irresponsible?’ ‘Why are you so weak?’ ‘How can you be so selfish?’

Then one day it all became clear to her. She made up her mind, packed up some bare essentials and left. Leaving behind the people she cared about, a life she was familiar with, and half a lifetime of regrets, defeats, hurts and pains. She left without a word, offering no explanations, no reasons, no goodbyes, nothing. She wanted it that way. The only string she left attached was her marriage. She could not bear to severe the one thing that brought her genuine joy and love, even if it lasted only for a short while.

She decided to leave the country as she knew that it was the only way she could start afresh. Traveling around half the globe and using up almost all that she had, she arrived at a new place, full of uncertainties, strangers, dangers and anonymity.

But she knew where she needed to go and what she wanted to do.

Feeling the sudden urge to get to her destination quickly, she decided to run. She ran, and she ran, and as she ran she felt free. For the first time in her life she felt unbounded, unchained, unburdened, she was free. And so she ran with all her heart. There was a big smile on her face as she ran, and as she ran the smile turned into laughter.

All too soon she arrived at the end of her run. Panting from exertion and shivering with anticipation she approached the gates.