I have nothing to blog about because I don't do anything. I just stay in all day doing nothing.
I should be out doing stuff but I'm not. One day passes over to the next and I have nothing to show for the days past.
I dread the question 'What have you done today?' because I don't know how to answer.
It is a cycle that I go through but I hate it.
Why do I feel like I'm still stuck in the emotional mess of my teen years?
When will I grow up and grow out of this nonsense?
How can I overcome this incredibly ingrained habit of laziness?
I realize I have been fighting depression in various forms and degrees or severity for many years. I'm tired of it but not sure what to do about it. Don't know who to turn to for help or even how to ask for help.
I'm to proud to tell anyone my shameful secrets.
Will my problems and difficulties be understood?
Will I be able to find acceptance and help?
I can't do this alone for much longer. But there just isn't anyone that I can trust not to judge me or reprimand me or lecture me.
Why do I keep wasting time?
Why am I so weak?
I always groan about not having enough time to do the things that I want to. But deep down inside I know that I am the one who have squandered away the time that was given to me until it's too late.
When will I ever learn my lesson and change?
I run and hide and escape into worlds and stories that are not real just so I don't have to think about my own situation and mess.
Every time I do that I not only let myself down but I have also let the people who love me down. Yes I know all that and yet it still doesn't stop me.
I hate who I am so much. I hate my stupidity, my immaturity, my naivety, my lack of self control, my slow mind, my lack of wit, my lack of social skills, my lack of friends, my lack of imagination, my lack of creativity, my laziness, my tiredness, my lies, my wastefulness, my depression.
Who will counsel me?
Who will comfort me?
Who will help me?
Who will hold me and tell me everything will be alright?
Lord, forgive my lack of faith in you. Forgive me for having allowed the devil such a strong foothold on my heart and in my life. Help me Lord. Help me to turn back to you. Help me to hold onto you. Help me overcome my laziness. Help me out of this long and destructive state. Please give me the strength to fight this. In the name of Jesus Christ.
Amen.