Recurring Dream Theme

I dreamt of 'HIM' again. And the occurrences are getting more frequent and more detailed.

Also the surroundings are different every time, the situations are almost the same. I've been dreaming that he comes to me one day and tells me that he still loves me and that it was a mistake for him to have left me and that he doesn't love his wife. He would tell me he has always loved me, even though he married her.

In my dreams I would once again feel his embrace but this time it was with true affection and tenderness. I would feel my heart flutter and melt when I was in his arms.

But everytime I would wake up feeling very sad and depressed. The feeling of sadness would last for at least one day, sometimes even a few days.

I do miss the times that I spent with him. And I think I truly was in love then. I have not felt that same excited, heart fluttering, blushing feelings again since then. Perhaps that's why I am having such dreams now. Perhaps they are a manifestation of my subconscious desire to fall in love and be romanced again. And since he was the last person to have incited such feelings, he became the embodiment of those feelings.

To be honest, I am not looking for another life partner or a long term relationship. What I long for is the excitement, tenderness, and sweetness of the beginnings of love. I want to be wooed, be romanced. To be know that I am also attracted to the person. A genuine attraction. Not one that is assumed and forced.

I have met one other person that makes my heart skip a beat whenever he is near of whenever I meet him, or when we are out together. But there are other factors that prevent me from being more forward about my feelings.

My situation is really complicated. And it is complicated simply because my mind and my heart are not in agreement. My mind sees logic and the morally and socially acceptable way. My heart screams out its longings, aches and emptiness. But being bound also by external factors, I am compelled to follow the direction of my mind.

Only within these virtual pages and words can I vent out the frustrations and desires of my heart.

Deprivation

Love and romance. I am so deprived of it.

Tenderness, affection, thoughtfulness, gentle sweet kisses, the palpitation of the heart when eyes meet and hands touch, the joy that comes out from deep down within the heart, a safe and secure embrace.

To fall in love again like I once did a long time ago. That is the deep yearning and longing in my heart that I feel everyday when I am with him. I see my chance at love slipping away day by day as I struggle to come to terms with having to spend the rest of my life with someone that I do not love but cannot leave.

I didn't fall in love with him. There was no strong emotional reaction of any kind at any point in our relationship. It was simply a decision of convenience at the time. Also a decision of defiance and denial.

There was a short respite and calm in our relationship for the past months since my last entry, hence the absence. But given the nature of the root of our problems, it was only a matter of time before I sought solace here once again.