Tug of War

Follow my heart and do what makes me happy?
Or
Follow my head and do what is practical and the resposible thing to do?

Why can't I find a neutral middle ground where these two can coexist
harmoniously?

Why do I find myself always having to choose one or the other?

When I choose to follow my heart and emotions I am always left feeling
uneasy and unsure if that is the right thing to do. My heart is happy
but I am also plagued with guilt, doubt, and worry.

When I choose to follow my head and the practical road I always find
myself feeling sad, empty and withering inside.

I want to be happy but I can't ignore the practical side of things.

I want to be resposible and know that things are being taken care of
but I can't ignore the yearnings and cries of my emotional heart.

I am constantly at war with myself and I don't know how to deal with
it anymore. I don't want to deal with it anymore.

I've finally met someone that makes me happy and I want to find out
further if he is the one, the soul mate I have been searching for. But
if I can't resolve my inner war issues I can't whole heartedly and
confidently move forward with him.

Right now choosing him will mean following my heart instead of my
head. But my current situation with the divorce pending and the lack
of a job is calling out that I should be prudent and practical
instead.

He makes me happier than anyone has ever been able to. He has awaken
emotions in me that I thought I would never again have the chance to
experience. He comforts my heart and I feel myself healing inside when
I am with him. He has allowed me to finally forget about Him, someone
I have been carrying inside and pining after for the past 15 years.

I want to be able to step to his side and walk that path with him
wholeheartedly without reservations or doubt. I want to know what it
means to truely be accepted for who I am and be loved completely for
it. I want to be able let me heart love someone again. To have the
overflowing desire to care for that person and accept all that he is
without fear or doubt.

Because of him I want this tug of war with myself to end. I want to
call a truce and reconcile my head with my heart.

Beginning of a Resolution

Finally broached the topic.

It happened the following day after I wrote the last post. Not the way I intended or have preferred but at least it came out. Actually told him that I want a divorce and that I don't love him and that I never did.

As far as I can tell he seemed shocked by it at first and possibly went into denial. But when I decided to say those words I was very clear about what I wanted and needed to do. And I have not yet once regretted that decision. I can't really remember very well what happened or even if anything happened in the weeks that followed. Just that I got increasingly annoyed at everything he did or didn't bother to do around the house such as not switching off the kitchen lights after he was done night after night.

Several weeks later we had another confrontation and this time I reiterated that I wanted a divorce. But he kept on bringing up points and issues about my behaviour and work ethics that in my opinion has got no bearings on my wanting to get a divorce. He blamed me for not wanting to make this marriage work and for dumping all the shit from work onto him. I'll admit that perhaps the timing was a little off in relation to the business. But then again is there ever a perfect time for such things?

Since that last confrontation we don't speak to each other any more. He very arrogantly said that he wants us to go for marriage counselling so that a third party can perhaps explain it to him more clearly why I wanted a divorce and that it's not entirely my fault that we are splitting up. But up till this day I have not heard anything from him.

He said that he didn't want to end this marriage but have not once shown me any efforts in trying to convince me otherwise. On the other hand he was more concerned about the fact that he would now have to shoulder the business on his own again since I was obviously not going to continue working with him. Which leads me to think that perhaps all these years I was more of a convenient and low cost help for his business than an actual wife.

However all these are irrelevant since the main issue here is not so much how he treated me or what he did or didn't do, but more about me finally being honest with my feelings and not suppressing them anymore.

After finally coming to this decision and having had the courage to verbalize the words I felt a great sense of relief and release of pressure. Even though I realize that the road will not be smooth going and that I would have to face many obstacles and objections to this decision, I am certain that I will not waver from it. It is going to be tough, and so far the objections have already come in. But I know that as difficult as it may be this is what I need to do to free myself from the depression cycle and self deprecating mind set that I have locked myself in for so many years.

My faith does tell me otherwise and in order to have closure and a resolution to that point I have decided for the first time in my life to go for counselling. I'll be going on my own as I see it as a step I need to take for myself. Whether or not he will be involved further down the road I don't know. At this point I don't need or want him involved. The only thing that could make me not go ahead with the divorce will have to be divine intervention. Although I am praying that He will not subject me to staying on in this marriage. And that He will release me from this bond.