I Hate My Life

I hate my life!

I am not allowed to say no. If I say no I am made to feel guilty about it and made to feel that there was something wrong with me for saying no.

I don't want to go out and 'hawk my wares' like everyone else. I have my own plans.

I don't want to be forced to do a shoot just because he made the mistake and expects me to clean it up for him. The stress is disruptive.

I don't like being told what I should or shouldn't do with my life and my time. It's my life and my time so I should be the one deciding.

I don't like to fawn over others just so they can feel good about themselves and hopefully be nice to me. I have my pride and if you don't like my style then that's too bad.

I don't like to be made to feel inadequate or incompetent. I definitely do not like to be made to feel stupid. I don't do that to others so why should I take it from them when it is dished out to me?

I don't like to be dependent on others and I don't like taking care of others. I need my space, my freedom and my sanity.

Yes, I want to be an arrogant, proud, selfish, intelligent and self-sufficient person who is respected, listened to, loved by everyone I meet. I want them to be awed by my self-confidence, my achievements, my intelligence.

Because that seems like it is what the people around me and in this world like to see in a person.

I am fed up with being nice, accommodating, sensitive and quiet. I am fed up with having others step all over me. I am fed up with being forgotten and over looked. I am fed up with being the last minute thought or inclusion just to fill up the numbers. I am fed up that I am not allowed to show my unhappiness or displeasure by taking it out on others and yet I have to take it when they take it out on me.

I am just plain fed up with this life and the way others are treating me.

I wish to start over. To go to a new place with new people and just start all over. I want to leave all this garbage behind. I want to erase, delete and empty the trash.

I want a new life. A new home. New friends. No husband. A new job.

I wish death could have been the best solution to my problem. It would be so much easier.

I have lost weight because I have not been eating regularly. I only eat when I am hungry and then only a little bit. Most of the time that means only 1 meal a day.

I look haggard because I haven't been sleeping well. My eyes look tired with dark rings underneath.

I look at myself in the mirror and wonder who is that looking back at me.

I come in here, I write all these down, I upload it, and then I log out. But what purpose does it all serve? What am I trying to achieve by doing this? Who am I trying to impress?

It just pathetic!

Enough is Enough

I know I need to stop working with her. I need to distance myself from her so that I can stand on my own two feet.

As long I stay in partnership with her I will always feel that I am not good enough and that I am always 1 step behind her. And that sucks.

I am constantly faced with the situation where I reinvent my stuff without any pause only to find that I am still 1 step behind her. My already fragile confidence is trashed everytime I see our stuff placed side by side, because the difference is painfully clear.

The process of creating art with your hands is suppose to be fun and therapeutic. And ideas are supposed to flow with practice. But due to my constant need to at least get on par with her I find myself getting mental blocks and I can't create anything. The times that I do they almost always tend to turn out like crap. Even when I think they look quite alright, it always looks too simple or plain or just ugly beside her stuff.

I am beginning to question if I should be in this to begin with. I am beginning to doubt my own creativity. I am beginning to doubt if anyone will ever be interested in my designs. I am beginning to ask myself if I should quit and find something else to do.

But it is not really that simple as to just quit and move onto something else. I have already invested too much and have sunk in to deep to just quit. I should not have gone in with her so quickly and without giving it more thought.

That's why I am thinking that the only way for me to regain my ground is to remove myself from contact with her. To eliminate the stress of trying to out do her and instead, concentrate on trying to outdo myself with every design. I need to strike out on my own and show my stuff alone.

At least this way if I should still continue to get the response that I have been getting while with her then I am satisfied that the problem really does lie with me and my work. At least this way it would be more justifiable if I quit and moved onto something else.

I hate feeling so crappy about myself all the time. And having my works being commented as 'common', 'not precious' and 'cheap', to my face, does not help. I know I shouldn't take such remarks personally but I can't help it. No matter how much I try I can't stop myself from feeling the sting.

Why do I never feel like I am good enough? It doesn't seem to matter what it was that I did. I never feel that it is ever good enough, and thus feel that I am not good enough. When will it become enough? Will I ever find enough?

Essence of Me

I am such a failure! Why can't I do anything right?!

Everything about me is just one big screw up. I wish I could just crawl into a hole and stay there for the rest of my miserable and pathetic life.

I am such a coward. At the sight of the slightest difficulty or problem I give up. I would rather just give up instead of facing up to the problem and dealing with it.

I fail because I am a coward. I am a coward because I am lazy. I am lazy because I am afraid of hard work. I am afraid of hard work because I don't want to fail.

Such is the essence of my sad, miserable and painful existence.

3 decades in this world. Too short to be called a 'seasoned traveler'. Yet long enough to have plenty of incredible tales of youthful antics and undertakings. That however does not apply to me.

I wasted the last 2 decades of my life because I was afraid. And so I failed. I traveled through the years not knowing what I was doing, where I was headed, who I was becoming. I ran from challenges, from difficulties, from adversities.

I gave up on my life without even realizing it.

I could never win because in my heart, soul and mind I had already given up before I even started.

Why am I writing these down?

I don't know.

I am so tired. So tired of trying to be normal. Tired of trying to make sense of everything in my head. Tired of trying to cope with all these sadness and sense of futility. Tired of trying to make something of myself. Tired of always being dependent on someone else. Tired of never having control. Tired of not being able to sleep and wake at acceptable times. Tired of having no confidence in myself. Tired of constantly having to chase after lost time.

I'm just so tired. Mentally, emotionally, physically.

Self Analysis

I am in depression again. Well actually I don't think I was ever out of it. It just fluctuates between manageable and crippling.

Right now I am within the crippling spectrum. Nothing seems to hold any interest or joy for me. I just want to escape into sleep or television.

I have an important week long event beginning tomorrow and I have not done anything to prepare for it.

The more I think about the amount of work I need to accomplish the more I shrink from it. And that just serves to push me further down the depress spiral by adding to my feelings of incompetence and uselessness.

Knowing all these does not help me to cope with it any better. It is strange that I am able to analyze the symtoms and realize what I am suffering from.

Maybe it's because I have been suffering from this problem for the past 2 decades of my life that it has almost become a part of who I am. I don't know.

But the older I got the harder it has become to cope with it.

I am always complaining about the lack of time due to a busy schedule, but in reality I am well aware that the only reason is due to my inability to manage my time.

I feel like I am constantly struggling to keep my head above the water. Often times I feel like I am about to drown. But yet to those around me I had plenty of time.

It's all in my head and I don't know how to deal with it any more.

How can I become a productive and confident individual? I am always doubting my efforts, my work, my abilities, my views, myself. Always needing the affirmation of others to determine my worth.

This post isn't helping as I had hoped.....

What Is My Passion?

What am I interested in?
What am I passionate about?

Why is it do difficult to answer these two questions? Especially the second one.

With a some thought I am able to list out my interests but somehow I can't find any answers to the second question about passion.

I can't seem to find anything that I am passionate about. There is no one topic or area where I am focused on and am totally enthralled or intrigued by to the extent of wanting to constantly know more about or indulge in.

To Write or Not To Write

After reading through my journals I want so much to be able to get back into the habit of keeping a journal and record down the stuff that I am going through.

This blog is something like a journal. But I can't really be too specific or detailed about my encounters, difficulties and struggles for fear of having someone I know chance upon it and thus discovering my secrets.

However I don't want to write them down on paper either. The chance of discovery is a lot higher with physical pages.

Hmm... I suppose if I really didn't want anyone to read my entries then I shouldn't be a part of webrings or list allow my site to be listed in the blog lists.

I know that ultimately I do want others to read about my thoughts (but preferably people that don't know me). I guess I am quietly seeking to relate to other people who can identify with some of the things that I am experiencing or simply just to have others share in my struggles.

Although I may not be able to be specific about names, locations, or other personal details, I can still be honest and detailed about the experience, the emotions, the pain and the struggle.

In here I can safely dump all the negative thoughts that I carry inside of me and perhaps in the process of doing so, be able to put some these problems into a better and healthier perspective.

All I need to do is allow myself the time and energy to put the thoughts, emotions and experiences into words and upload them here.

Past Writings

I stumbled upon my old journals a few days ago and started reading through them.

These were writings from almost ten years ago and they documented the period when my life was forever changed.

I found myself riveted to the pages as I read through them, as if I was reading a novel about the life of someone else. Some incidences I recalled with great clarity but some incidences I had totally forgotten.

I wrote about the struggles that I was going through. I wrote about the hurts that I had experienced. I wrote about the futility that I felt that was my life then. I wrote about the things that happened to me and the decisions that I had to make.

I wrote them all down with great detail and honesty.

But reading through them made me realize how much I have changed in certain areas and yet in other areas I have remained virtually the same.

I was strangely saddened when I came to my last entry and felt a great sense of loss when I could not find one of my journals. It was the first one and it contained writings about my life before Him and also about how we came to be together and the following times that we shared. I wanted to recall those times with more detail then what I can do now.

Reading through all the entries with the gift of hindsight, I am able to see my mistakes and realize why things happened the way they did. But this realization came several years too late.

There were several entries where I wrote about the qualities I had hoped to find in my life partner. Strangely I found that I could find quite a few of them in my husband.

It had made me think much harder about our relationship, our marriage, to see where the problem could be. I realized that it has largely to do with me and my own perception of who I am and how important I am to those close to me.

My husband is a good man who does love me in his own way. He does have his faults and failings. But who doesn't?

The problem lies in me.

Although I found some qualities in my husband it does not mean that my heart can just ignore the fact that there is no passion or feeling within me towards him. And I am greatly saddened by this.

I can feel myself spiraling down again no matter how hard I try to fight it. I am feeling more depressed as the days go by. The journals helped me to understand a little better why I react the way I do towards my husband. But they have also contributed to my state of depression in a way that I can't explain.

Recurring Dream Theme

I dreamt of 'HIM' again. And the occurrences are getting more frequent and more detailed.

Also the surroundings are different every time, the situations are almost the same. I've been dreaming that he comes to me one day and tells me that he still loves me and that it was a mistake for him to have left me and that he doesn't love his wife. He would tell me he has always loved me, even though he married her.

In my dreams I would once again feel his embrace but this time it was with true affection and tenderness. I would feel my heart flutter and melt when I was in his arms.

But everytime I would wake up feeling very sad and depressed. The feeling of sadness would last for at least one day, sometimes even a few days.

I do miss the times that I spent with him. And I think I truly was in love then. I have not felt that same excited, heart fluttering, blushing feelings again since then. Perhaps that's why I am having such dreams now. Perhaps they are a manifestation of my subconscious desire to fall in love and be romanced again. And since he was the last person to have incited such feelings, he became the embodiment of those feelings.

To be honest, I am not looking for another life partner or a long term relationship. What I long for is the excitement, tenderness, and sweetness of the beginnings of love. I want to be wooed, be romanced. To be know that I am also attracted to the person. A genuine attraction. Not one that is assumed and forced.

I have met one other person that makes my heart skip a beat whenever he is near of whenever I meet him, or when we are out together. But there are other factors that prevent me from being more forward about my feelings.

My situation is really complicated. And it is complicated simply because my mind and my heart are not in agreement. My mind sees logic and the morally and socially acceptable way. My heart screams out its longings, aches and emptiness. But being bound also by external factors, I am compelled to follow the direction of my mind.

Only within these virtual pages and words can I vent out the frustrations and desires of my heart.

Deprivation

Love and romance. I am so deprived of it.

Tenderness, affection, thoughtfulness, gentle sweet kisses, the palpitation of the heart when eyes meet and hands touch, the joy that comes out from deep down within the heart, a safe and secure embrace.

To fall in love again like I once did a long time ago. That is the deep yearning and longing in my heart that I feel everyday when I am with him. I see my chance at love slipping away day by day as I struggle to come to terms with having to spend the rest of my life with someone that I do not love but cannot leave.

I didn't fall in love with him. There was no strong emotional reaction of any kind at any point in our relationship. It was simply a decision of convenience at the time. Also a decision of defiance and denial.

There was a short respite and calm in our relationship for the past months since my last entry, hence the absence. But given the nature of the root of our problems, it was only a matter of time before I sought solace here once again.

Unobtainable Rest

I needed to go out. To get out of the house. But I had no place in particular to go. And so I wandered aimlessly down the street and around the stores.

I needed to talk to a friend. To chat and be cheered up. But I had no one to call. And so I walked alone and silently through the crowds of friends and couples on a night out.

I needed to write. To release all the thoughts and feelings that were messing with me. But I was outside and could not find an internet cafe or the like. And so I came home to a silent house where my only source of solace can be found.

I walked through the house trying to find a place to rest and write. But tonight there was nowhere for me to rest. Tonight there is no place here that I can call my sanctuary, my place of comfort and escape.

I had no choice but to settle at my desk. For the need to write tonight was just too great to delay any longer. This place was once my sanctuary and refuge. It shielded me from the harshness that were my responsibilities and provided me with an outlet for my inner turmoils. But now I can find no comfort here. It reminds me too much of what was taken from me so abruptly.

I can find no rest tonight. For my heart is in anguish and my mind is unsettled. Even writing has failed to calm me and ease my troubles as before.

A Desperate Housewife

I have been staring at my keyboard for the past few minutes thinking about what I should write about tonight. There are things in my head and in my heart that I wish to make sense of. But somehow I just can't find the words for them.

Maybe it is also because I don't feel as angsty or resentful or depressed these days any more. I think I have been so used to having all those feelings surface so easily that I don't know or have forgotten how to respond internally to being happy.

But am I really happy? I don't know.

I don't feel the pressure of responsibilities and deadlines anymore. I don't feel the sense of resentment towards him for nagging about work. So working relationship-wise I am feeling better off lately.

How about the emotional and physical relationship?

Maybe there is where my lingering sadness and doubt lies. We have not quarreled since he made the decision. We have not had any disagreements, heated words or unpleasantness. Things do seem pretty calm and smooth going. But it lacks the closeness that I felt sometimes when we are both working together. We do not see each other as often any more and that seems to have affected our conversations: we don't seem to be having much of them.

I can't really complain about the physical relationship since nothing has changed there. There is still no relationship. We have not had sex for I don't even remember how long. It could easily be 6 months. We used to at least fool around a little in bed with some hand or oral action. But even that has ceased.

In the beginning I used to think that perhaps I had to bear half the blame since it does take two to have sex. I thought that maybe I wasn't sexy enough. Or that I wasn't responding to him the way he likes somehow. Or that I was expecting too much from him. So I tried to dress differently, to wear sexier lingerie, to create more romantic moments, to listen to what he likes and respond as best I could and not to have any expectations. But nothing seems to work. Instead is made me feel worse about myself.

So I stopped. And he didn't seem to notice. I am beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with him. Or us. Have you ever heard of two married couple who are both healthy and on good terms with each other but have not had sex with each other for almost 6 months?

I do have my needs. And he must have his right? So how come we are not satisfying each other the way a married couple should be? Is he having an affair? I don't see the opportunity for him to have one. So what is it?

There were times, in the darker recesses of my mind where I have thought about having an affair myself. I thought about dressing up and going out and meeting other people, men in particular, and perhaps have a wild fling just so that my needs can be satisfied and that I am still attractive to other men.

But I can never bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to betray him and do to him what I do not wish for him to do to me. And so I come to this blog that have become my mental solace at times.

I am happy that I have more time to myself now and that we are on good terms. But something is still missing. We may appear to be happy on the surface but I know I am not truly happy. I really don't know about him. He seems rather content and happy with working everyday. And he appears to be happier about us not fighting anymore. But is he truly happy I can't tell.

I have asked him that question before and his answer was yes. And perhaps he really does have such simple needs and that he really is happy like he said. Perhaps I am reading too much into the situation and imposing my own complicated mind onto him and expecting him to think like I do.

In my paranoid mind I am beginning to think that this idea of taking the work away from me wasn't his idea. Maybe he has been telling someone else about how he isn't happy with the way I work and that person told him to 'fire' me. But so that I won't get suspicious, the other person also told him to make it look like it was his decision so that we can have a happier relationship. When he tells this person about how I had believed him and gave up my work, I can imagine this person chuckling and says 'See, I told you she would. And now you can have the freedom what you want and to do things your way.' To take the paranoia further, this person could very likely be another woman. Maybe that long time 'friend' of his that he is always so friendly with all the time.

Doesn't that sound like something you would read in a book or watch on TV? I think I have been watching too much soap operas and tv dramas. Talk about a desperate housewife.

No Subject

Do I really know what I want? Does anyone ever really know what they want?

I don't know what I want.

There are things that I want. But do I REALLY want them?

I am a contradiction. I am a living paradox.

My mind is a mess. It is jumbled with thoughts, ideas, dreams, words, images, notions, and blank spots.

I am sitting in the dark with only the light from my screen. I want to say something but the words do not come. I want to do something but the ideas do not present themselves.

I want to have purpose in my life but I don't know what it should be or how to get it.

I need to set priorities and goals but I don't know where to begin.

I want a life of luxury but I don't know how to get it.

I need guidance but I don't know where to look.

I need. I want. I must. I should. I can. I might.

Just words and yet they decide the mindset and the attitude.

Against Myself

For the past week and a half I have been thinking and researching about the business ideas that I have in mind. I am quite excited about the whole thing. But somehow at the back of my mind there is this nagging voice that constantly keeps telling me that I am just wasting my time.

I know that it takes a lot of hard work to start and maintain a business, no matter how small. I know that it will be even harder if I really choose to do it by myself, from purchasing to manufacturing to sales and delivery. Whenever I think about the hard work that will be involved once I begin this venture, half of me shudders and shrinks at the mere thought.

I hear the voice telling me that I will never make it, that I will never be able to take the immense responsibilities that I will have to shoulder once I embark on this. It tells me that I am just a lazy person who only wants to be able to sleep in late and do whatever I feel like doing whenever I feel like doing it. It tells me that I am only intrigued by the idea of starting my own business but have no idea about what it takes to really run a business. It keeps telling me that I am a fool and I won't be able to make it.

I realize that I have been giving in to that negative voice all my life. I have been listening to that voice and accepting what it says of me as truth even when the rest of me tell me otherwise. At times I fight back and ignore the negative statements only to fall again under its even stronger onslaught. My self esteem, self confidence, social skills, wit, mind and heart have all been beaten and trodden on by that nagging negative voice that resides oh so comfortably in the deep recesses of my mind. It is amazing that I have not developed into a mental patient with schizophrenia or something like that.

I don't want to feel lousy about myself anymore. I don't want to be ashamed or embarrassed when I tell people about what I do anymore. I hate that nagging voice part of myself. It is like a disease that will infect my entire being till the day I die or go crazy unless I do something to stop it.

I need to learn how to appreciate myself more. To be able to validate my own actions and be happy with it. I need to learn how not to rely entirely on the opinions of others. I need to stop looking for validation from others.

I need to learn how to stand up to the nagging voice inside my head and tell it shut up and go away.

And yet knowing I should do all those things does not help when the strength to do them is not there.

I want to do this but I am afraid. Afraid to fail. Afraid to hear the mocking voice saying 'I told you so'. Afraid that other might laugh at me and say 'that is so typical of you to give up'. I am just afraid.

Those who do support me can only do so much. I will need to be able to overcome myself. And that should prove to be the most difficult challenge I will face in starting my own business. Well actually in anything I choose to do really.

Me. The biggest obstacle that can get in my way of accomplishing anything.

Insecurities

I am feeling lost and insecure although I should be happy and relieved.

I got fired by my own husband. He has stopped me from helping in his business. The reason he gave for doing so was because he didn't want any further unhappiness between us over work related stuff. He said he would rather be a bit more stressed out and handle everything by himself again, so that he can have a happier wife and a better relationship.

Sounds really noble and caring of him doesn't it? Makes you want to go "Awww." right?

Well it SUCKS for me! Because by taking the 'job' away from me, he also took away my pay. Meaning I am now totally financially dependent on him. And by giving that reason, I became the 'bad guy', the reason that he will have to work harder.

I know I can do the job a lot better than he can. And I know that he knows it too. But he just can't take the way I work and I can't work the way he does. Thus the conflicts.

I never realized how much it meant to me to be able to control that part of the business until it was taken away from me. Now I just feel like the ground is going to fall out from under me anytime and I will have nothing to hang on to.

I feel like all the hard work that I have put into creating the system this past 2 years have been in vain. He wants to use his own system because he says he doesn't have the time to learn how mine works. When I saw how he was trying to sort out the pile of stuff that I had to pass over to him, I was really bothered. I am not sure how to identify what I felt. Maybe guilt of some sort, resentment perhaps, could be sadness also. It could be a combination of all those and others. But whatever it was it didn't feel too good. I kept thinking about how that was supposed to be my responsibility and how I would have been able to do a much better job.

My sense of security in him and in myself is greatly shaken because of this. It has caused questions about his motives behind the decision to form in my mind. I start wondering if he is trying to hide something from me. When I was handling the stuff in the company everything was open and transparent and I knew what was going on. I caught quite a number of items that were not accounted for properly and was able to question him about them so that things could be set back in order. But now I will have no idea what goes on in the business, I won't know how much or how little the business is making, I won't know his schedule as well as I used to, I won't know the people he goes out to meet as much as I used to.

And this sense of insecurity in him is greatly fueled by an incident that happened last year during my birthday which I failed to blog about here. In a nutshell, I found out he went out with another girl (supposedly a long time friend with no romantic history between them) and went to the movies (a show we were supposed to watch together) with her while I stayed at home thinking that he had errands to run and had work to do. He has since apologized many times and realized his mistake of not bringing me along that day. But the sting of finding out from the girl on the night of my birthday that my husband just spent the whole day with her still hurts and it has greatly shaken my confidence in myself and in him. (It has also totally destroyed what feeble friendly ties I had with that 'friend'.)

I hate the feeling of total dependency on him or on anyone.

I am at a loss of what I should do. I would like to have my own income source so that I won't be so dependent anymore. It just feels crappy to have to ask him for money. Especially when he is a really stingy person. On top of that, since I won't know how well the company is doing I can't shake the feeling of guilt from asking for money. My mom thinks it is only right that the husband should give the wife a monthly allowance regardless of her working status. But somehow I just don't feel comfortable doing that with the man. Maybe if he was more well off I would feel better taking his money and enjoying myself. But I know he won't be able to do that, at least not now. So I feel that I have not choice but to find an additional source of income for myself to supplement whatever amount he finally decides on giving me.

The current program I am in is good but because I don't have a big capital to start with the growth is slow. However from the earnings that I am getting, I hope to be able to start a small business for myself. But I am still unsure of what to embark on.

I have been spending hours on the internet trying to figure out my options. I just spent the whole evening at the bookstore reading through books trying to find out the direction I should be heading in.

Some people might say that I should be happy that I don't have to work for my money and that my husband is willing to take care of me. I should be relieved that I don't have to worry about work that never seems to end. Maybe if this was a perfect world and I was a perfect person.

But unfortunately this world is far from perfect and I am too screwed up to be any where near it.

I should probably just deal with it like everyone else does huh?

Dream Home

Everyday I look out of my window I see my dream home.

We can never afford it based on what we are doing.

But perhaps one day that dream might just come true.

Till then I shall continue to look out at it everyday.