Past Writings

I stumbled upon my old journals a few days ago and started reading through them.

These were writings from almost ten years ago and they documented the period when my life was forever changed.

I found myself riveted to the pages as I read through them, as if I was reading a novel about the life of someone else. Some incidences I recalled with great clarity but some incidences I had totally forgotten.

I wrote about the struggles that I was going through. I wrote about the hurts that I had experienced. I wrote about the futility that I felt that was my life then. I wrote about the things that happened to me and the decisions that I had to make.

I wrote them all down with great detail and honesty.

But reading through them made me realize how much I have changed in certain areas and yet in other areas I have remained virtually the same.

I was strangely saddened when I came to my last entry and felt a great sense of loss when I could not find one of my journals. It was the first one and it contained writings about my life before Him and also about how we came to be together and the following times that we shared. I wanted to recall those times with more detail then what I can do now.

Reading through all the entries with the gift of hindsight, I am able to see my mistakes and realize why things happened the way they did. But this realization came several years too late.

There were several entries where I wrote about the qualities I had hoped to find in my life partner. Strangely I found that I could find quite a few of them in my husband.

It had made me think much harder about our relationship, our marriage, to see where the problem could be. I realized that it has largely to do with me and my own perception of who I am and how important I am to those close to me.

My husband is a good man who does love me in his own way. He does have his faults and failings. But who doesn't?

The problem lies in me.

Although I found some qualities in my husband it does not mean that my heart can just ignore the fact that there is no passion or feeling within me towards him. And I am greatly saddened by this.

I can feel myself spiraling down again no matter how hard I try to fight it. I am feeling more depressed as the days go by. The journals helped me to understand a little better why I react the way I do towards my husband. But they have also contributed to my state of depression in a way that I can't explain.