Heartache

How did I end up marrying someone I don't love?

He takes good care of me and he loves me. But I have no deep feelings for him. I don't really care much when he isn't around.

My heart lies with someone who has already fallen in love with another and has taken her as a wife.

I have been in denial all these years about my feelings for him. I thought I have already gotten over him. Thought I could get over him by meeting someone else.

I was wrong.

It still hurts when I think back to those times. I still dream of him from time to time.

My husband is a good companion. He is intelligent and we can have really engaging conversations. He is hardworking and works hard to provide for us. He makes an effort to remember my quirks and takes care of me.

Yet my heart remains neutral when I think about as romantically. I wish I could love him as deeply as I loved the other. I longed to feel the excitement and passion but it doesn't happen.

Everyday I tell myself that I need to give us more time, to give myself more time. I want to learn to love him. To care for him as a wife. But I can't.

Am I really still in love with the other? It's been so many years. Do I still love him or am I still in love with the idea of being with him? I know I miss the times we have spent together. I know that I was willing to do almost anything for him then but I am not willing to give in much to my husband now. I felt hurt and jealous when I heard he was getting married.

I feel so pathetic.

I thought that things were getting better. I really thought it was.

Why am I feeling so shitty now?

Parent - Child Bonding

My dad was sent to get a Cardiac Catheterization, also know as an angiogram, done yesterday morning. When my mum told me about the test I was both worried and afraid. Worried if he was going to be ok and afraid that there would be something wrong.

It was actually a routine and fairly simply procedure that he had to undergo. Since my dad is diabetic, the doctor got worried when he experienced mild chest pains after a Treadmill Stress Test. Well long story short we were all relieved when the test showed that all is well with my dad's heart and he was discharged the same day with no complications.

During the few days before the procedure the possibility of losing my dad was brought to the forefront of my mind. Everytime my thoughts stray to the possibility and what would it be like not having him around, my chest tightens up and my eyes start to tear. I love both my parents dearly and the mere thought of losing either one of them hurts me to the core. I can't imagine permanently not having either one of them around. I know that that is unavoidable and eventually the Lord will take them back to Him. But it still hurts nonetheless.

I was able to spend some time with my mum while we waited for my dad to be discharged. It was great and I realized how much I missed spending time with her. I would have liked to spend the evening having dinner with both my mum and dad but I had to rush back to work after sending them home. I won't be able to see them for a while unless we are able to take some time out to go over for dinner which is quite unlikely at least for the next week.

I hope that when my husband and I have kids they will love us as much as I love my parents. But then on the other hand I hope that we will be able and willing to sacrifice for and love our children as much as my parents did for me and my brothers.

Full Score!

I scored 100/100 with 7 bonus points to boot on my Jap test on Thur!!

I've thinking about how to write this down but Inothing seemed to work better than that.

It's been so long I can't even remember when I last scored full marks on a test. It felt really good. Even though it's just a simple end semester test and only still at level 1, it still felt great!

Just needed to document this moment before I lose it among all the crap in my life.

Yay!!!