He Deserves Better

He deserves someone who loves and cherishes him. Not someone like me who treats him so heartlessly.

When he is not feeling well or is tired, I feel no sympathy or worry for him anymore. When he cries out in pain I get irritated not worried. When he yells at the sight of a gecko I frown and get frustrate because it only means that I have to hunt down and kill the damn thing, even if it takes all night.

There is more resentment in my heart for him than love.

He does try in his own way to make me happy. But it's not what I want. He is not what I want. He is not what I need. And with feelings like these, I am not good for him. But why can't he see that? Or is he refusing to see it? Why is he so adamant in loving me?

I don't feel secure with him. In fact I feel like I have to look out for us all the time. Whenever I tried to let him be the 'man' and take the lead, things go wrong.

He needs someone who is more secure in themselves and who doesn't mind taking the lead most of the time.

I'm not like that. I need to know that my partner is able to take care of me and himself. I need to be able to feel safe when we go out or when I'm in his arms. I need to be able to look up to my partner. I need to know that it's ok even if I don't know the way or if I didn't notice the turn, because he was looking out for it as well.

We should be able to share some common ideals, beliefs, goals and mindsets. But I don't feel like we do. We share nothing in common. We don't see eye to eye on most matters. Sometimes he compromises to me just to avoid another argument. Most of the time I simply shut up and walk away before I end up saying something that shouldn't be said.

There is no mutual understanding. I don't really understand him and he definitely doesn't understand me.

As the days go by I am finding it more and more difficult to trust in him anymore. Not that he will be unfaithful to me, he has an incredibly low sex drive, but more like I don't trust his ability to make sound decisions. I find myself second guessing him all the time and I hate it. I need to be able to trust my partner, my husband. But most of the time my mind will yell out at him, "You stupid idiot! Why the hell did you do that for?!" or "Why can't you use your own brain and think for yourself!" But I always bite my tongue and stop from screaming out at him. I know that once certain things get said out loud it can never be taken back.

I cringe from his touch now. It feels awkward to even hold hands when we go out. When we hug I feel like I'm hugging a friend.

This is not how a marriage is suppose to be.

How did it come to this?

Internal Turmoil

Actually I'm feeling rather half hearted about making this entry. I have many issues to put down and yet I have none. The thoughts are chasing around in my head again. I hate it when this happens. Before I can finish with one thought, idea, emotion or reaction another one comes rushing in. It's difficult to concentrate when my mind is in such internal turmoil.

*Sigh!*

Perhaps it's because I didn't pen(or in this case type) down my thoughts/emotions frequently enough to keep up with my seemingly hyperactive neurons. There was no outlet for them so they chase each other around the playground, which happens to be my mind, to amuse themselves.

Ok let me try and sort things out a bit....
(in no particular order... yet)

1. The ever increasing stress level to complete three jobs that will mark my final projects in that field.
2. The first dateline for the above projects is in 7 days and I've not yet been able to start on it.
3. My desk is constantly in a mess.
4. I have no life.
5. I cringe from the touch of my husband.
6. I get extremely irritable when I'm with him.
7. I get annoyed and disgusted at his seeming inability to withstand pain.
8. I get annoyed at how attention seeking he can be.
9. I am frustrated that my life and marriage is turning out the way it is.
10. I am depressed coz I know that I am the reason why I'm in this rut in the first place.
11. I am a selfish, insensitive and cruel bitch.
12. I find no joy or meaning to anything I do any more.
13. I think I suffer from chronic depression.

Point 12 is mostly likely the main reason why I didn't turn to this blog earlier. I just didn't see the need or impulse to do so. My mind drew a blank everytime I thought about making an entry.

Point 13 kind of sums up why I'm feeling so shity now and for most of my pathetic life.

I am so constantly plagued by my own insecurities that it has rendered me socially handicapped. It takes a great deal out of me to be around people and having to interact with them. I can deal with mingling and entertaining in short spurts, but to do it constantly drains me. It strips away my ability to shield myself from self-doubt. I start to feel stupid and wit-less. When that happens I become increasingly short fused towards the ones closes to me, which only adds to the depress me further.

I hate myself. I hate my total lack of self-discipline. I hate my laziness. I hate my temper. I hate my pride. I hate my selfishness. I hate my inability to love others. I hate my constant discontentment. I hate my stupidity. I just hate myself.

I feel like such a fraud. A fake. A hypocrite.

No, not 'feel like'. I AM a fraud, a fake, a hypocrite.

My Current Obsession

Recently I've been strangely obsessed with a particular Japanese manga series. I've spent hours reading the translated chapters online and then more hours searching for other information about the story and then some more hours searching for and reading fanfiction based on the characters. I'm beginning to buy the graphic novel even though I know it's going to cost me quite a bit to collect all the volumes.

I've wondered about why I'm so obsessed with this one particular series. I've never been much of a manga fan. I've enjoyed some of the more intriguing anime movies but no one series has ever caught my attention and held it for so long.

And then I realized the attraction this particular story held for me. The immediate attraction was the fact that it was totally impossible and unreal, it gave an escape from my own realities. But what held me were the two central characters. The relationship and bond between them, the unspoken emotions that they felt (but were conveniently explained to the readers), the struggles that they faced about each other and themselves. It also helped that the male lead is really cool and cute.

I know that the description I just typed fits a lot of stories and movies around. So why is this one so special? Frankly I'm not sure myself. I just feel drawn into the story and I can picture the scenes and hear the conversations and exchanges as I read the text. Watching the anime version helps a lot when reading the manga, especially in the voicing and sound effects.

I know I'm obsessed when it's the last thing I think about when I go to bed, it's the first thing that comes to mind when I wake up, the names and story are constantly in my mind throughout the day, I had even wished I could dream about the characters and the story in my sleep.

But although I know that I'm totally engrossed in the story, I'm reluctant to stop. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Perhaps it will just fade through time as I move on or grow up some more.

Whatever it is, as least for the time being I have a place to retreat to and hide away from my responsibilities, unhappiness and husband.

Futile Yearnings

I was a fool to think that I was noble enough to accept him being shorter and physically smaller than me. I was such a fool.

I can't accept it!

How I long to have a strong chest to lean against when I'm standing up. To be hugged by strong arms. To feel safe and protected.

I will always have this shadow in my heart as long as I'm with him. The only time I can hope to deceive myself into seeking comfort in his arms is when we are in bed, when our difference in height is not that apparent, when I can pretend that he is taller than me.

How do I put into words the pain, the longing and the guilt that I feel everyday.

A Name and Our Silence

As I surf around other blogs I noticed one thing: most if not all of them have interesting names/titles. Then I looked at mine and realize how simple and boring my blog title is. But I can't seem to come up with anything interesting and is true to the meaning and purpose of the site. So I guess My Thotz will remain as is for now.

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I wish I didn't have to come home tonight. Actually it doesn't feel like home at all. There's no warmth in this house.

We haven't spoken a word to each other the entire day. He's in front of me working on his computer while talking to his friend on the phone. And I'm in front of my computer making this entry. We didn't greet each other when I came back earlier. I couldn't even bring myself to look in his direction.

To be honest I'm not sure what happened. I don't even remember why I'm angry. But somehow I can't bring myself to start talking to him. He's not talking to me either.

Insights

Playing the victim and wallowing in self pity and puffed up indignation is strangely comfortable.

That realization came from a most unexpected source: a Japanese anime called The Twelve Kingdoms. One of the characters was in and argument with another over who has endured the most sufferings in their lives when one of them rebuked the other by pointing out that no one actually suffers more than others, everyone feels pain equally. But if the pain or suffering was really bad, she (one of the characters) would have really tried ways to get out of the situation instead of always lamenting and blaming others. The fact was that by playing the victim was a more comfortable state of mind to be in, than to have to take responsibility for herself.

That struck a cord with me. Made me wonder if I was doing the same thing. The more I thought about it, the more likely it became. Often times when faced with difficult situations or uncomfortable confrontations, especially if I had to explain myself or my actions, I turn around and assume the mindset and attitude of a someone who was victimized. It justified my thoughts and actions. It allowed me to shrink from my responsibilities and the consequences of my own actions.

But I suppose that's our basic human nature: to shift the blame of anything unpleasant to something or someone else but ourselves. That's the legacy that was left to us by Adam and Eve.

realizing something and actually acting upon it are town entirely different things. I admit that I will continue 'playing victim' because the thought of carrying blame and facing up to my faults is just too much bear. I'm a coward and a hypocrite.

==

My mind is always on what has happened or what might happen, but it is never on what is happening now. That's where all my regrets come from: by not paying attention to the now and doing what needs to be done or doing what's right.

==

How can I expect others to understand me when I don't understand myself most of the time?

That's a question that I asked myself many years ago when I first became aware that I have a problem coping socially. I asked that again today as it has become relevant again.

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I argue with myself so much that many of the things that I initially wanted to write down have now either become null or confused. I started many sentences before this one but I can never complete them. Just deleted another start of a sentence.

==

I am dwelling. I feel better now after dumping all that in here. I feel like thinking about the holidays I've been on now.

Aftermath of Boxing Day Tsunami - My Take

Was reading an entry on bv's site and what was said helped to explain my reactions to the calamity in South & South-east Asia: I am saddened not so much by the incredible loss of lives, but more so by my inability to feel any more strongly about the event and the people affected.

As I watch the news everyday, hear about the many stories of miraculous escapes or heart wrenching losses, watch the many different footages of the waves and water, view the images of countless blackened bodies, I am strangely numb.

The visuals and reports has a detachment to it that makes it very difficult for me to emphatize/sympathize with the surviving victims of what is called the worst natural disaster in modern history. I find it difficult to comprehend or imagine the destruction, smells, sights and sounds that are reported and shown on tv.

It is disgusting sometimes to realize how sheltered and complacent we can become when the place you grew up in hardly ever experiences any disasters or catastrophes. That's how I'm feeling now: disgusted. Not by the gruesome images that are sometimes shown, but by the fact that I don't feel much pain or sorrow and to make it worst, I don't even really feel the compulsion to do much about it. Of course the easiest way to help is to donate money to the relief effort. But even that poses a dilemma: how much should I give? how much would quiet my conscience that I contributed?

Yet life has to go on, and indeed for the rest of the world, as we watched, time goes on and life moves on. Which makes it all the more difficult to truly react to the situation with the proper respect that a calamity of this magnitude deserves.

As the death toll rises to staggering figures of more than 100 000, that alone creates a sense of detachment as it inevitably becomes simply an incredible statistic. It is hard to truly accept and comprehend such a huge loss of human lives when all you see and hear are what's available in the papers, on tv and on the internet.

But I suppose that's the same with any disaster in any part of the world with any number of lives lost. You really need to either be there personally or be closely affected by the event to understand and feel the grief and sense of loss.

I am thankful that my family and I are safe. Yet I feel guilty at the same time that we are spared while there are so many others who were not. Times like these really makes you wonder and ask the natural question of 'Why?' But if you think about it, would it really help or make a difference if we did know the reason(s) behind such events? What would we do with such information? Will we be able to handle such truths? Perhaps that's why we are not meant to understand everything about such happenings. Times like these really are incredible tests of faith.

My respect goes out to volunteers who are personally and physically involved in the relief effort, both in the their countries and at the affected areas. Especially to those who has to handle the many bodies and cope with the images and smells that would no doubt remain in their memories for the rest of their lives.

First musings of the new year

It's a new year..... so?

I have so much to say but don't know how to put them or even where to start.

I'm in a melancholy sort of mood at the moment.

I don't know how long I can go on pretending that I am in love with the man I married.

I think I really need to find another life for myself so that I will have the courage to leave him on day and be on my own.

As I stare at the screen and keyboard, my mind is a whirl of thots too many and too fast to make sense of and type out.

All I can comprehend is this heavy sadness on my heart tonight.

It was another pathetic crossing from one year to the next. And what made it more so than the others I've experienced before is the fact that I have supposedly found my life partner with whom I should enjoy sharing such moments together.

I wish I could turn back time and choose again.

If I could here's what I'll do:
- Study harder,
- Say no to C,
- Say no to K,
- Say no to J,
- Look out for people who are like-minded and ignore those who didn't care, instead of dwelling on why no one thot about the same things as me and how to make others befriend me.
- Would not have join the uniform group in school

If only time can be turned back like the hands of a clock.

I made the mistake of taking a look at my ex-bf's honeymoon pix when I happen to stumble upon his online photo album thru another friend's site.

I'm not upset that they have found and married each other. But I am upset that they are happy while I'm not. That he has found someone he loves so much it made him want to marry her, while I'm trying to pretend that I've found someone I love and am happy with.

I feel so foolish now doing all those things for him, especially during our wedding. I feel cheated and stupid. Why didn't I just say no in the first place?

We had sex on the night of his birthday. It was after a long break of about 2 months or more without intercourse. But as I had expected it was uneventful and lasted for about 5 to 7 mins.

I am not sure which is worst: nagging at him and telling him off all the time, or simply keeping quiet and allow him to do whatever he wants however he wants.