He Deserves Better

He deserves someone who loves and cherishes him. Not someone like me who treats him so heartlessly.

When he is not feeling well or is tired, I feel no sympathy or worry for him anymore. When he cries out in pain I get irritated not worried. When he yells at the sight of a gecko I frown and get frustrate because it only means that I have to hunt down and kill the damn thing, even if it takes all night.

There is more resentment in my heart for him than love.

He does try in his own way to make me happy. But it's not what I want. He is not what I want. He is not what I need. And with feelings like these, I am not good for him. But why can't he see that? Or is he refusing to see it? Why is he so adamant in loving me?

I don't feel secure with him. In fact I feel like I have to look out for us all the time. Whenever I tried to let him be the 'man' and take the lead, things go wrong.

He needs someone who is more secure in themselves and who doesn't mind taking the lead most of the time.

I'm not like that. I need to know that my partner is able to take care of me and himself. I need to be able to feel safe when we go out or when I'm in his arms. I need to be able to look up to my partner. I need to know that it's ok even if I don't know the way or if I didn't notice the turn, because he was looking out for it as well.

We should be able to share some common ideals, beliefs, goals and mindsets. But I don't feel like we do. We share nothing in common. We don't see eye to eye on most matters. Sometimes he compromises to me just to avoid another argument. Most of the time I simply shut up and walk away before I end up saying something that shouldn't be said.

There is no mutual understanding. I don't really understand him and he definitely doesn't understand me.

As the days go by I am finding it more and more difficult to trust in him anymore. Not that he will be unfaithful to me, he has an incredibly low sex drive, but more like I don't trust his ability to make sound decisions. I find myself second guessing him all the time and I hate it. I need to be able to trust my partner, my husband. But most of the time my mind will yell out at him, "You stupid idiot! Why the hell did you do that for?!" or "Why can't you use your own brain and think for yourself!" But I always bite my tongue and stop from screaming out at him. I know that once certain things get said out loud it can never be taken back.

I cringe from his touch now. It feels awkward to even hold hands when we go out. When we hug I feel like I'm hugging a friend.

This is not how a marriage is suppose to be.

How did it come to this?