First musings of the new year

It's a new year..... so?

I have so much to say but don't know how to put them or even where to start.

I'm in a melancholy sort of mood at the moment.

I don't know how long I can go on pretending that I am in love with the man I married.

I think I really need to find another life for myself so that I will have the courage to leave him on day and be on my own.

As I stare at the screen and keyboard, my mind is a whirl of thots too many and too fast to make sense of and type out.

All I can comprehend is this heavy sadness on my heart tonight.

It was another pathetic crossing from one year to the next. And what made it more so than the others I've experienced before is the fact that I have supposedly found my life partner with whom I should enjoy sharing such moments together.

I wish I could turn back time and choose again.

If I could here's what I'll do:
- Study harder,
- Say no to C,
- Say no to K,
- Say no to J,
- Look out for people who are like-minded and ignore those who didn't care, instead of dwelling on why no one thot about the same things as me and how to make others befriend me.
- Would not have join the uniform group in school

If only time can be turned back like the hands of a clock.

I made the mistake of taking a look at my ex-bf's honeymoon pix when I happen to stumble upon his online photo album thru another friend's site.

I'm not upset that they have found and married each other. But I am upset that they are happy while I'm not. That he has found someone he loves so much it made him want to marry her, while I'm trying to pretend that I've found someone I love and am happy with.

I feel so foolish now doing all those things for him, especially during our wedding. I feel cheated and stupid. Why didn't I just say no in the first place?

We had sex on the night of his birthday. It was after a long break of about 2 months or more without intercourse. But as I had expected it was uneventful and lasted for about 5 to 7 mins.

I am not sure which is worst: nagging at him and telling him off all the time, or simply keeping quiet and allow him to do whatever he wants however he wants.