Regret

I hurt, I cry, I struggle. But who really cares?

I live everyday of my life in regret.

Not a day goes by where I do not regret my decision to marry him.

And because of that one mistake I am trapped by the need/obligation to do the right thing now.

Is there now other way?

Is there no way out for me?

Do I really have to force myself to love this man?

I wished I wasn't married to him.

I wished I had never met him.

Such a fool I have been to think that I could nurture some sort of love while having resentment and contempt in my heart.

I have lost all respect for and trust in him.

I despise him for he is petty, selfish, disgusting, rude, crude, stupid, insensitive, short, small, weak, and ugly.

How I ever agreed to marry him shall forever haunt me.

I do not wish I was dead but just wish to live a different life.

Guilt is the only thing that is keeping me from leaving.

Why can't he be magnanimous, tolerant, subtle, sensitive, tall, strong, tender, smart, loving, and pleasant looking?

Why didn't I wait for someone like that instead?

True Love?

I will not be afraid as long as you are with me.

With you I am safe and secure.

My heart flutters whenever I see you and your touch makes me tremble inside.

In your eyes I found acceptance and a love I never thought I could have.

I never thought I would be able to experience a love so pure, so full and so complete.

With you here beside me I shall no longer be alone.

With you here beside me I no longer need to run, to pretend, to escape for you have made my dreams and longings into reality.

With you here beside me I can face my life no matter how hard it gets.

Thank you for choosing me, for accepting me, for loving me.

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Will I ever get the chance to say these words?
Will I ever meet this person?
Will I ever be free of my pain?

Will I ever have a love so deep that it hurts, so pure that its beauty terrifies me, so complete that it fills every corner of my heart, so true that it gives me a strength I never had, so passionate that its fire burns into every fiber of my being?

Does such love really exist?
Is it even possible?

To find someone whose heart resonates with mine.
Whose quiet presence fills me with warmth and peace.
Whose smile, voice, scent, touch makes my heart race and flutter.

To find someone I can trust completely, who will be there to shelter me, to comfort me, to keep me from getting lost.

My heart is in pain everyday I have to continue with the pretense.

I can't see a solution.

How long do I have to endure this life?

How many regrets do I have to create before I can be free?

Will I ever be free?

Scattered Cries

I have nothing to blog about because I don't do anything. I just stay in all day doing nothing.

I should be out doing stuff but I'm not. One day passes over to the next and I have nothing to show for the days past.

I dread the question 'What have you done today?' because I don't know how to answer.

It is a cycle that I go through but I hate it.

Why do I feel like I'm still stuck in the emotional mess of my teen years?
When will I grow up and grow out of this nonsense?
How can I overcome this incredibly ingrained habit of laziness?

I realize I have been fighting depression in various forms and degrees or severity for many years. I'm tired of it but not sure what to do about it. Don't know who to turn to for help or even how to ask for help.

I'm to proud to tell anyone my shameful secrets.

Will my problems and difficulties be understood?
Will I be able to find acceptance and help?

I can't do this alone for much longer. But there just isn't anyone that I can trust not to judge me or reprimand me or lecture me.

Why do I keep wasting time?
Why am I so weak?

I always groan about not having enough time to do the things that I want to. But deep down inside I know that I am the one who have squandered away the time that was given to me until it's too late.

When will I ever learn my lesson and change?

I run and hide and escape into worlds and stories that are not real just so I don't have to think about my own situation and mess.

Every time I do that I not only let myself down but I have also let the people who love me down. Yes I know all that and yet it still doesn't stop me.

I hate who I am so much. I hate my stupidity, my immaturity, my naivety, my lack of self control, my slow mind, my lack of wit, my lack of social skills, my lack of friends, my lack of imagination, my lack of creativity, my laziness, my tiredness, my lies, my wastefulness, my depression.

Who will counsel me?
Who will comfort me?
Who will help me?
Who will hold me and tell me everything will be alright?

Lord, forgive my lack of faith in you. Forgive me for having allowed the devil such a strong foothold on my heart and in my life. Help me Lord. Help me to turn back to you. Help me to hold onto you. Help me overcome my laziness. Help me out of this long and destructive state. Please give me the strength to fight this. In the name of Jesus Christ.

Amen.