What is the whole point of me doing this to myself?
Why can't I pluck up the courage to talk to him straight on and ask
for what I believe to be rightfully mine?
Why do I doubt that I have a right to those things? That I have the
right to the money and the camera?
I feel my heart cringe everytime I think of asking him to return my share.
Why am I such a coward?!
All I know how to do is keep quiet and fume to myself. While I wait
and stall he is moving on without me bit by bit and by doing so he is
gaining the upper hand.
Why can't I just tell him what I want honestly?
Why am I so afraid of the confrontation that will ensue?
Why am I so afraid of confrontations of any kind?
I just want my money and to move with my plans. But I am stuck due to
my own fear of getting into an argument with him.
I can just hear him going all offensive and justifying why he doesn't
have to return the money to me or that I don't have claim to the
amount.
I am not good with confrontations and arguements of this sort. My mind
can't work fast enough to counter with logical come backs. It takes a
while for me to digest and formulate good responses. That's why I hate
to get into such situations. Above all things I hate to look and feel
stupid the most. I hate to be embarrassed.
I wish there was someone who would fight this battle for me. But I
know that this is something I will have to face myself.
However that acknowledgement holds little comfort for me. In fact it
only adds to the fear that I feel inside.
I know that I should be firm in pursuing the goal that I have planned
and use that as the strength around which I form my resolve. Yet I
can't seem to gather up enough strength and courage to overcome the
hurdle of even broaching the subject. I find myself finding one excuse
after another to stall and delay speaking to him.
I would like for us to discuss this calmly but knowing him and my own
tendency to keep quiet when I can't counter fast enough, any
conversation will only turn into a one sided arguement with him doing
most of the speaking under the pretense of presenting a logic and
reason.
I simply want to take my share back. Why is it so difficult to open my
mouth and ask?
Why should I be so afraid to defend what should be mine?
Why should I find it difficult to defend what should be mine if I
truely believe that it should be mine?
I am tired of all this. I just want to move on.
I have been subjecting myself to this agony for the past 7 years. That
should be enough right?
7 years. That's another 7 years of wasted time and youth.
Why do I keep doing these things to myself?
Why do I keep wasting away the precious time of my youth by not having
th courage to follow my heart and follow through with anything?
I know for certain that I want a divorce for I can no longer bear to
be around him.
No matter how much or how hard I try I just can't find or create the
feelings of love and passion for him.
Which is also one of th reasons why I find it so hard to talk to him
now. I can't even stand to look at him. Everything that does come out
of my mouth are curt and spiteful even though I didn't really mean for
it to be that way.
I don't want to broach the topic by being curt and offensive.
I wish I could go through a third person who can help me convey my requests.
Should I write out my requests instead? Would that perhaps really be
the better approach in this case?
Perhaps.