Venting

I am in another one of my funky moods now.

I think maybe this is how my minds reacts to pressure and stress.

I should be working on a project that is due tomorrow at 3pm. But instead I'm typing in here.

In an extremely irritable mood and he wants me to help feed his dog!

His dog.... that mutt was the catalyst for my current funkiness. It was irritating and frustrating to have a serious discussion while trying to walk along a dimly lit and uneven pathway with a little mutt under your feet.

Having to eat dinner (consisting of 9 dried nuggets and water) in an extremely crowded and noisy area doesn't help either. I could barely hear myself talk.

The night was fine up till then. Now not only do I have to cope with finishing the project, I have to deal with my funkiness, his dog and him all at the same time.

I need some time out!

I Love Him, I Love Him Not

I wish our love was so strong that it hurts to be apart from each other. But it isn't so. For him it may seem so but it doesn't seem the same for me.

Just read someone's blog on how it hurt that he has to go away without his partner for a while. Well my partner just went and came back and I didn't really feel anything. I wanted to miss him. Even tried to make myself feel that I missed him but truth is I didn't.

It seemed normal to me that he isn't around during the day or even at night in bed. I hugged my pillows and watched TV till I was sleepy and fell asleep. He called several times to say he missed me. It was sweet of him. In my effort to pretend that I missed him, I called him as well.

After the last post I did leave the house. I left for two days and did a lot of thinking and crying. Wanted to blog about everything that went through my head and heart but couldn't find a station. Talk about pathetic.

After much thinking I felt that it was time he knew about how I really feel. I told him that I felt it was a mistake that we got married. I told him that I wasn't happy. And I told him that I didn't love him. It was liberating to be able to finally tell him all that but strangely at the same time it hurt as well to tell him those things. It was especially difficult to say I didn't love him.

I was all prepared to talk about separation at that point. But instead of going there he suggested that we seek counseling and help to make the marriage work. I didn't want to as I didn't see the point in having someone else tell me what I already know.

He is the one keeping this marriage together. He was the one who convinced me to come back and give it another try, one day at a time. He is the one who can't live without me.

Then what about me?

It warms a little part of me to know that he loves me so much that it doesn't matter if I didn't love him back, as long as I am with him and sharing his life is good enough for him.

I told myself when I came back, that I will try to be good to this man. I will try to learn to love him. I will try to make this work.

I also told myself not to expect any change in his sexual behavior towards me. I will not try to be sexy for him any more. I will not initiate any form of sexual intimacy any more. I will not expect much foreplay from him when we do engage in sexual activity. I will not expect him to last.

I took pains to learn an exotic dance which I performed during our wedding dinner. I was expecting him to respond sexually to me after it. But I was greatly disappointed.

It's sad but that's the only way I can keep myself from becoming increasingly unsatisfied. I will not have any expectations at all.

If we have sex once in a while that's a bonus.

What a marriage! I know that sex is not a major part in a marriage. But the tenderness and the closeness that is shared during love making is. That's what's missing.

The companionship is there. Communication when it comes to non-personal topics is great, but breaks downs a little whenever the subject turns personal. That's largely my fault I suppose. I'm not one who opens up easily. It gets more difficult when I don't feel that what ever I've shared was taken seriously. Now I'm at a point where I don't think it makes any difference anymore if I shared or not. And actually he doesn't even noticed it.

I don't know what to think or do about the relationship except to just let one day pass by at a time.

I am planning some activities for his birthday that's coming up. I suppose I'm doing it more for myself than for him really. I guess I just enjoy planning things. At least that has some semblance of order, unlike the rest of my life.

I am a very contradictory person. I say I don't love him yet I'm planning a massage session, romantic lunch, hotel stay and a night at the theatre (performance) for his birthday.

What can I say, I am a messed up person.