Tug of War

Follow my heart and do what makes me happy?
Or
Follow my head and do what is practical and the resposible thing to do?

Why can't I find a neutral middle ground where these two can coexist
harmoniously?

Why do I find myself always having to choose one or the other?

When I choose to follow my heart and emotions I am always left feeling
uneasy and unsure if that is the right thing to do. My heart is happy
but I am also plagued with guilt, doubt, and worry.

When I choose to follow my head and the practical road I always find
myself feeling sad, empty and withering inside.

I want to be happy but I can't ignore the practical side of things.

I want to be resposible and know that things are being taken care of
but I can't ignore the yearnings and cries of my emotional heart.

I am constantly at war with myself and I don't know how to deal with
it anymore. I don't want to deal with it anymore.

I've finally met someone that makes me happy and I want to find out
further if he is the one, the soul mate I have been searching for. But
if I can't resolve my inner war issues I can't whole heartedly and
confidently move forward with him.

Right now choosing him will mean following my heart instead of my
head. But my current situation with the divorce pending and the lack
of a job is calling out that I should be prudent and practical
instead.

He makes me happier than anyone has ever been able to. He has awaken
emotions in me that I thought I would never again have the chance to
experience. He comforts my heart and I feel myself healing inside when
I am with him. He has allowed me to finally forget about Him, someone
I have been carrying inside and pining after for the past 15 years.

I want to be able to step to his side and walk that path with him
wholeheartedly without reservations or doubt. I want to know what it
means to truely be accepted for who I am and be loved completely for
it. I want to be able let me heart love someone again. To have the
overflowing desire to care for that person and accept all that he is
without fear or doubt.

Because of him I want this tug of war with myself to end. I want to
call a truce and reconcile my head with my heart.

Beginning of a Resolution

Finally broached the topic.

It happened the following day after I wrote the last post. Not the way I intended or have preferred but at least it came out. Actually told him that I want a divorce and that I don't love him and that I never did.

As far as I can tell he seemed shocked by it at first and possibly went into denial. But when I decided to say those words I was very clear about what I wanted and needed to do. And I have not yet once regretted that decision. I can't really remember very well what happened or even if anything happened in the weeks that followed. Just that I got increasingly annoyed at everything he did or didn't bother to do around the house such as not switching off the kitchen lights after he was done night after night.

Several weeks later we had another confrontation and this time I reiterated that I wanted a divorce. But he kept on bringing up points and issues about my behaviour and work ethics that in my opinion has got no bearings on my wanting to get a divorce. He blamed me for not wanting to make this marriage work and for dumping all the shit from work onto him. I'll admit that perhaps the timing was a little off in relation to the business. But then again is there ever a perfect time for such things?

Since that last confrontation we don't speak to each other any more. He very arrogantly said that he wants us to go for marriage counselling so that a third party can perhaps explain it to him more clearly why I wanted a divorce and that it's not entirely my fault that we are splitting up. But up till this day I have not heard anything from him.

He said that he didn't want to end this marriage but have not once shown me any efforts in trying to convince me otherwise. On the other hand he was more concerned about the fact that he would now have to shoulder the business on his own again since I was obviously not going to continue working with him. Which leads me to think that perhaps all these years I was more of a convenient and low cost help for his business than an actual wife.

However all these are irrelevant since the main issue here is not so much how he treated me or what he did or didn't do, but more about me finally being honest with my feelings and not suppressing them anymore.

After finally coming to this decision and having had the courage to verbalize the words I felt a great sense of relief and release of pressure. Even though I realize that the road will not be smooth going and that I would have to face many obstacles and objections to this decision, I am certain that I will not waver from it. It is going to be tough, and so far the objections have already come in. But I know that as difficult as it may be this is what I need to do to free myself from the depression cycle and self deprecating mind set that I have locked myself in for so many years.

My faith does tell me otherwise and in order to have closure and a resolution to that point I have decided for the first time in my life to go for counselling. I'll be going on my own as I see it as a step I need to take for myself. Whether or not he will be involved further down the road I don't know. At this point I don't need or want him involved. The only thing that could make me not go ahead with the divorce will have to be divine intervention. Although I am praying that He will not subject me to staying on in this marriage. And that He will release me from this bond.

Fear and doubt

What is the whole point of me doing this to myself?
Why can't I pluck up the courage to talk to him straight on and ask
for what I believe to be rightfully mine?
Why do I doubt that I have a right to those things? That I have the
right to the money and the camera?
I feel my heart cringe everytime I think of asking him to return my share.
Why am I such a coward?!
All I know how to do is keep quiet and fume to myself. While I wait
and stall he is moving on without me bit by bit and by doing so he is
gaining the upper hand.
Why can't I just tell him what I want honestly?
Why am I so afraid of the confrontation that will ensue?
Why am I so afraid of confrontations of any kind?
I just want my money and to move with my plans. But I am stuck due to
my own fear of getting into an argument with him.
I can just hear him going all offensive and justifying why he doesn't
have to return the money to me or that I don't have claim to the
amount.
I am not good with confrontations and arguements of this sort. My mind
can't work fast enough to counter with logical come backs. It takes a
while for me to digest and formulate good responses. That's why I hate
to get into such situations. Above all things I hate to look and feel
stupid the most. I hate to be embarrassed.
I wish there was someone who would fight this battle for me. But I
know that this is something I will have to face myself.
However that acknowledgement holds little comfort for me. In fact it
only adds to the fear that I feel inside.
I know that I should be firm in pursuing the goal that I have planned
and use that as the strength around which I form my resolve. Yet I
can't seem to gather up enough strength and courage to overcome the
hurdle of even broaching the subject. I find myself finding one excuse
after another to stall and delay speaking to him.
I would like for us to discuss this calmly but knowing him and my own
tendency to keep quiet when I can't counter fast enough, any
conversation will only turn into a one sided arguement with him doing
most of the speaking under the pretense of presenting a logic and
reason.
I simply want to take my share back. Why is it so difficult to open my
mouth and ask?
Why should I be so afraid to defend what should be mine?
Why should I find it difficult to defend what should be mine if I
truely believe that it should be mine?
I am tired of all this. I just want to move on.
I have been subjecting myself to this agony for the past 7 years. That
should be enough right?
7 years. That's another 7 years of wasted time and youth.
Why do I keep doing these things to myself?
Why do I keep wasting away the precious time of my youth by not having
th courage to follow my heart and follow through with anything?
I know for certain that I want a divorce for I can no longer bear to
be around him.
No matter how much or how hard I try I just can't find or create the
feelings of love and passion for him.
Which is also one of th reasons why I find it so hard to talk to him
now. I can't even stand to look at him. Everything that does come out
of my mouth are curt and spiteful even though I didn't really mean for
it to be that way.
I don't want to broach the topic by being curt and offensive.
I wish I could go through a third person who can help me convey my requests.
Should I write out my requests instead? Would that perhaps really be
the better approach in this case?
Perhaps.

Lost

Have never felt such hopeless despair and darkness.

Lost time, lost youth, lost love.

The time has come for me to make the decision.

It hurts that I have no one to turn to and confide in regarding this matter.

The tears are there but somehow they won't fall.

If only I had more courage, perhaps then it might be just a little easier to bear.

I need to know that it is not too late for me. That I still have time.

Where do I go from here?

The past is out of reach, the present and future are in darkness.

I am envious of those who are in the prime of their youth and lament on how I have wasted my so callously.

What do I do now? What can I do now? What should I do now?

I want to right the mistakes I have made throughout my whole life but don't know how or where to begin.

I'm tired of living with all these regrets but I don't know how to move on.