Venting

I am in another one of my funky moods now.

I think maybe this is how my minds reacts to pressure and stress.

I should be working on a project that is due tomorrow at 3pm. But instead I'm typing in here.

In an extremely irritable mood and he wants me to help feed his dog!

His dog.... that mutt was the catalyst for my current funkiness. It was irritating and frustrating to have a serious discussion while trying to walk along a dimly lit and uneven pathway with a little mutt under your feet.

Having to eat dinner (consisting of 9 dried nuggets and water) in an extremely crowded and noisy area doesn't help either. I could barely hear myself talk.

The night was fine up till then. Now not only do I have to cope with finishing the project, I have to deal with my funkiness, his dog and him all at the same time.

I need some time out!

I Love Him, I Love Him Not

I wish our love was so strong that it hurts to be apart from each other. But it isn't so. For him it may seem so but it doesn't seem the same for me.

Just read someone's blog on how it hurt that he has to go away without his partner for a while. Well my partner just went and came back and I didn't really feel anything. I wanted to miss him. Even tried to make myself feel that I missed him but truth is I didn't.

It seemed normal to me that he isn't around during the day or even at night in bed. I hugged my pillows and watched TV till I was sleepy and fell asleep. He called several times to say he missed me. It was sweet of him. In my effort to pretend that I missed him, I called him as well.

After the last post I did leave the house. I left for two days and did a lot of thinking and crying. Wanted to blog about everything that went through my head and heart but couldn't find a station. Talk about pathetic.

After much thinking I felt that it was time he knew about how I really feel. I told him that I felt it was a mistake that we got married. I told him that I wasn't happy. And I told him that I didn't love him. It was liberating to be able to finally tell him all that but strangely at the same time it hurt as well to tell him those things. It was especially difficult to say I didn't love him.

I was all prepared to talk about separation at that point. But instead of going there he suggested that we seek counseling and help to make the marriage work. I didn't want to as I didn't see the point in having someone else tell me what I already know.

He is the one keeping this marriage together. He was the one who convinced me to come back and give it another try, one day at a time. He is the one who can't live without me.

Then what about me?

It warms a little part of me to know that he loves me so much that it doesn't matter if I didn't love him back, as long as I am with him and sharing his life is good enough for him.

I told myself when I came back, that I will try to be good to this man. I will try to learn to love him. I will try to make this work.

I also told myself not to expect any change in his sexual behavior towards me. I will not try to be sexy for him any more. I will not initiate any form of sexual intimacy any more. I will not expect much foreplay from him when we do engage in sexual activity. I will not expect him to last.

I took pains to learn an exotic dance which I performed during our wedding dinner. I was expecting him to respond sexually to me after it. But I was greatly disappointed.

It's sad but that's the only way I can keep myself from becoming increasingly unsatisfied. I will not have any expectations at all.

If we have sex once in a while that's a bonus.

What a marriage! I know that sex is not a major part in a marriage. But the tenderness and the closeness that is shared during love making is. That's what's missing.

The companionship is there. Communication when it comes to non-personal topics is great, but breaks downs a little whenever the subject turns personal. That's largely my fault I suppose. I'm not one who opens up easily. It gets more difficult when I don't feel that what ever I've shared was taken seriously. Now I'm at a point where I don't think it makes any difference anymore if I shared or not. And actually he doesn't even noticed it.

I don't know what to think or do about the relationship except to just let one day pass by at a time.

I am planning some activities for his birthday that's coming up. I suppose I'm doing it more for myself than for him really. I guess I just enjoy planning things. At least that has some semblance of order, unlike the rest of my life.

I am a very contradictory person. I say I don't love him yet I'm planning a massage session, romantic lunch, hotel stay and a night at the theatre (performance) for his birthday.

What can I say, I am a messed up person.

Discontent

I wish I could live a different life.

One where the struggle to get things done isn't as difficult. A life where I can be more in control of my thoughts and actions.

I envy my friends who have found love, success and purpose in their life. What have I achieved in the same time span? Nothing but failures and regrets.

I'm just too lazy.

I wanted to leave the house today. To leave him for a few days. I really meant to but now I find myself stuck to my chair in front of the computer typing and complaining away.

I don't know how to deal with him and my melancholy at the same time. And him not being able to detect or understand that I get this way sometimes does not help. I hate explaining myself when I am in this 'funky' mood. It makes it worst when I am questioned relentlessly with the same questions: What's wrong with you? Why are you acting like that?, over and over again. It drives me against the wall and deeper into my depression. Why can't he understand that even after having explained it to him several times?

I have come to fully accept that there is no real love between my husband and I. He probably does love me as he claims but I certainly don't feel any love for him. I just feel a sense of obligation and a small need to fulfill my motherly instincts at times. But I am reluctant to sacrifice anything for him. I am unwilling to give in to him in any way. I am unable to be kissed by him in public without being embarrassed. I am reluctant to be seen naked by him.
He doesn't seem to be making much effort to learn about me and to understand me quietly. He is always asking for me to tell him things, to explain my every thought and action and behavior, to tell him why.
I need someone stronger than me, smarter than me. I need to be able to look up to my husband and feel protected by him in any situation and circumstance. I need to know that I have the understanding and support of my husband during my bouts of melancholia and depression. I need to feel his tenderness when we are in bed, not childish baby talk or faked porn sounds. I need to know that he loves me and is also attracted to my body. I need to know that I turn him on just by being close to him. I need to feel wanted and cherished.
I want to be taken care of. To be encouraged and supported to pursue my dreams. I need to able to be myself and to let go of my inhibitions when I am with him.

I was blind, stupid and lazy. Looking back it seems like I have been like that all my life. What's wrong with me?

What do I hope to achieve by writing all this down here?

I am only 28 or I am already 28?
The first statement brings hope that there is still room and time to change things.
The second speaks of a permanent condition, what else can I do to change things?

If I do not leave the house soon I will not be able to get away from him and will have to put up with his nagging and childish ways in my current state of mind. But where do I go? What will I do?

Everything I have is not my own. Even the clothes I wear are not bought by my own money. They were either bought by Jo or by my husband. I'm not sure how it ended up that way. I suppose only my monitor, keyboard, speakers, sandals and underwear (the old ones) are the only things I can say for certain are my own. I look around me and everything I see belongs to him or to the company. Even my treasured computer was paid for by the company when we upgraded.

I am such a pathetic creature that I make myself sick.

I wish I could live a different life.

Reality Sucks For Me

I should be a hermit.

That way no one will get hurt by me and I won't have to live with having to watch out for the feelings and sensibilities of others.

When I was with my parents I was their constant worry and stress. They would be late for church whenever I went with them. They would be embarrassed to talk to relatives about what I am doing whenever I was in between jobs. They would worry about still having to provide for me. Just to name a few.

Now I am in a marriage and have moved out of the house the curse of me went from my parents to my husband. He now has to bear with me. I think it might be worst for him coz he has only known me for the past 3 years. At least my parents had 27 years to get used to putting up with me.

Problem is I don't know why I am the way I am. And I get even more frustrated when I am asked to explain why I am acting in a certain manner when I am not entirely sure myself. I have such a huge amount of tangled up emotions that I don't know how to begin and where to begin trying to sort them out. My thought process isn't any better organized. Things are as confusing and murky.

That's why I often seek solace in movies, fiction novels, games. The further it is from any semblance of real life the better. It gives me a place to escape to. A place to hide away from the harsh realities of my own pathetic and miserable life. Even it is for a few hours at a time.

Another realm of unreality is in my dreams when I sleep. I dread to wake up whenever I sleep. My dreams always seemed somehow more manageable. Even scary ones. There are times when I wished I could just sleep and not wake up. Then I won't have to deal with my inadequacies, failures and curse on those close to me. And they won't have to put up with me any more either.

I am lazy beyond belief! I am starving now yet I am reluctant to walk a few steps to the kitchen and spend a few minutes cooking for myself. It's too troublesome. But I am so hungry... I guess I will probably wait till my stomach drives me to push against the laziness.

I am such a paradox to myself. I wish to be apart from everyone yet I can't live independently. I think I'll probably starve to death if I were to become a hermit. Not from the lack of motivation to cook but rather from the lack of food itself, since I would also be too lazy to work for long.

I am not young any more and that is one of my biggest fears. Growing old. As scary as it is I can't help seeing myself as one of the many homeless old folks I see on the streets. All alone with no friends, no family, no money, no shelter, but not time to die yet. *SHUDDER!!*

I think my stomach is winning. Really need to get some food asap.

Who am I?

What is a blog?

To me I suppose it's a place where I can be totally honest with myself and be frank and blunt without worrying about the sensitivities of others. This is for me to let off steam.

Actually I would like to have someone read these posts and leave their comments. I'm annoynemous so it doesn't matter who my readers are either. But just to know that somewhere out there someone is sharing in my anger, my pain, my insecurities, my depression, my complexities, and my various personalities, has a strange sense of comfort.

*Sigh!*

Well I don't know if anyone will ever stumble upon this blog since there are so many other bigger, more interesting blogs around. But I just wish that someone might.

There it is again! My need for affirmation and the constant yearning to be noticed. I want to be popular, be famous, be known by many for my talents,skills or accomplishments. I want to hear praises of me when I am not around and by people who are not my family or relatives. I want to be able to have something or to be someone to be proud of.

I keep wanting to have an exhibition of my works. To me that's something I can be proud of. Not just a small corner exhibition. But a big one that is noticed by the press and the public. Where I'll have a nice opening ceremony where I can invite my relatives and friends to and be able to show off and to prove to them that I can accomplish something that they can't. To prove to them that my dreams are not useless and childish. To prove to them that I am not a failure. To prove to them that even without the much sort after paper qualification I can still be somebody and accomplish success.

Given all those thots, it might seem like quite a bit of motivation for me really work hard to make them come true. But in this twisted world of mine that is no to be. I am my own curse. I am too lazy to do anything seriously for long. I'll always come up 'reasons' for not continuing a path.

All these writings and posts are all about me, what I want, who I am, me, me, me. Selfish huh?

But when I look at my whole life, seems like I am almost constantly trying to please other, to do what others wnat of me, to be how other thot I should be, to act, talk, work, dress, even think like what everyone else thinks I should. I wanted to do things my way, but everytime I tried I didn't get any support and always seemed to faced oppositions.

I am still confused at to what I should do. My Christian upbringing says to put others before me and to think about the welfare of others before myself. But I am finding that harder to do everyday as the years of not being able to find myself pile up onto of my self-esteem.

How can I help others when I don't even know how I am? How can I help others when I need help myself? I won't know how to help others because I didn't get any help myself.

So am I still being selfish for trying to work my way thru? For dwelling on myself in the confines of my own mind?

That's what I would like someone to tell me. I don't trust shrinks. I've been to a few and they were patronising, uncaring, stuck-up, and totally had no idea what I was trying to tell them. Tried sharing a little with some friends but all a got were frowns, frightened looks, and impatient remarks.

They all made me feel like there was something terribly wrong with me. There was a time when I thot so too myself. I tried to change, to be more like my 'friends'. But still no one liked me or would talk to me. So I just clammed up and shunned away from church, friends, school-mates, sometimes even my family. But I was always miserable. Nothing helped. I tried to turn to God but I guess my faith wasn't strong enough and I didn't give Him time.

Now, many many years later, I find myself still stuck in that same state of mind. It just got replaced from time to time with different variations of the same problems.

I hate to admit it but looking at myself, what I've accomplised so far on the path I've taken, and the things I've done, I can only come to one conclusion: I am a failure.

I try to work hard, but nothing comes out of it. I try to love my husband as he loves me, but I can't find it in my heart. I try to trust in God, but don't really know how.

I wish someone can help me work thru the confusions, knots and questions in my mind and my heart. I wish there was someone who knows exactly what to do. I wish there was someone I can really trust and believe in to understand my problems, thots, pain and messed up mind.

I wish I can speak with God directly and have Him speak with me directly as if we were on the phone. I wish I can hear His voice directly and know for certain that it is Him and not just my own mind telling myself what I want to hear. I wish He would make everything alright. I've wished for these things since I was a little girl.

Why can't I hear Him like others can? Is there something really wrong with me then?

Inward Contemplations

Recovered a bit from the depressed, self-depreciating and whining mood.

But still feeling a little blue. Especially after reading other blogs. (Note to self: not a good idea when feeling upset or blue. Especially so for bV site.)

I get depressed when I realize the when it comes down to it I've really got no friends. Case in point: during my wedding. I had a hard time deciding on who I should ask to be my helpers. It was major depressing.

I guess I'm still upset that I didn't get to be a 'princess' on the one day that I am entitled to such treatment. I felt like I was the organizer and not the VIP. And the worst part it that no one seemed to notice or cared.

And then I still find myself trying to come to terms with the conflict between ideals and reality, with the latter often being hard and bleak. That's what you call Reality Bites!

I had such dreams and ideals about the man I would fall in love with, about how we would fall in love, about his proposal, about our life together, about our wedding. I also had dreams about how my life would be, what I would be doing, how I could make my parents proud and be the envy of all my cousins and relatives.

Such great dreams and romantic ideals.

But where am I now? What am I doing? Who am I married to?

Welcome to the real world baby.

*Sigh*

A little part of me still wished that someday things will get better. That I can experience what it's really like to fall in love with someone so completely that it blots out all traces of self-centeredness. To experience the thrill and satisfaction of living out my ideals, of fulfilling them and see them come to pass.

I wanted to be a photographer. Now I am a photographer. But...

There's always a 'But' in my life.

I am a small insignificant photographer who yearns to be recognized and be critically acclaimed and accomplished.

It seems like everything all boils down to my sense of self-worth and self-esteem. This is one area that I am sorely lacking in. I am always looking for affirmation, for reassurances. Whenever I receive praises I will always find ways to play it down. Such a hypocrite! Secretly inside I was lavishing in the praises but some part of my mind tends to block it out from most of my other mental systems. I was forbidden to outwardly show that I loved the praises by my own self-depreciating personality. Sounds a little like a split personality disorder doesn't it.

Oh well. In that case I think I'm in one of my more contemplative personalities.

First Rantings

Started another blog before this one. Did the stupid thing of telling people who knows me about it. It's like shooting myself in the foot. The freedom to write anything I felt like writing was lost once the site was made known.

My life sucks!

I'm married to a man I don't love. Isolated from my family. No friends. Big pile of work that needs to be done whatever mood I may be in.

I feel like crap every time I have to shoot a wedding. My own was far from what I had dreamed about. Wrong man, wrong helpers, wrong decisions. Everything was just wrong.

I can't leave him because I'm a coward. I am afraid of what will happen if I left. I will have no job, no money, no place to go.

It sucks! I hate that I am so dependent on him for my livelihood. The company is his, my equipment were bought by him, my salary comes from him. I tried to fool myself into thinking that I can be indispensable by taking over the company accounts, by taking on my clients, by taking on another portfolio. But this all just served to tie me down to him and his company even more. And now I not only have to answer to him I have to answer to my clients and to get their stuff ready.

I can't just walk away. I can't be irresponsible towards my clients who trusted me and signed up because of me. And I hate it.

I hate it that I have responsibilities towards others.

I am lonely and depressed.

The man I married who is now my husband doesn't seem interested in me as a whole person. There is no passion in our marriage. There is no tenderness. We share the same bed, ie he sleeps on one side I sleep on the other. We have never made love. Had sex yes but not love. Even the sex was unsatisfying.

But there is no I can blame for this mess that I'm in but myself. I could have said no and not marry him. Could have said no and not work for him. Could have said no and just remained as friends. But I was weak and lazy. It was convenient at the time to work for him. It was convenient to start a relationship then. It was convenient to get married and the idea of being married seemed rather nice then. I was lazy to look for another job that would require my to stick a fix routine. He offered me flexibility in working hours. I stayed with him so I didn't have to travel between home and work.

I am too lazy for my own good! But what am I going to do about?