Inward Contemplations

Recovered a bit from the depressed, self-depreciating and whining mood.

But still feeling a little blue. Especially after reading other blogs. (Note to self: not a good idea when feeling upset or blue. Especially so for bV site.)

I get depressed when I realize the when it comes down to it I've really got no friends. Case in point: during my wedding. I had a hard time deciding on who I should ask to be my helpers. It was major depressing.

I guess I'm still upset that I didn't get to be a 'princess' on the one day that I am entitled to such treatment. I felt like I was the organizer and not the VIP. And the worst part it that no one seemed to notice or cared.

And then I still find myself trying to come to terms with the conflict between ideals and reality, with the latter often being hard and bleak. That's what you call Reality Bites!

I had such dreams and ideals about the man I would fall in love with, about how we would fall in love, about his proposal, about our life together, about our wedding. I also had dreams about how my life would be, what I would be doing, how I could make my parents proud and be the envy of all my cousins and relatives.

Such great dreams and romantic ideals.

But where am I now? What am I doing? Who am I married to?

Welcome to the real world baby.

*Sigh*

A little part of me still wished that someday things will get better. That I can experience what it's really like to fall in love with someone so completely that it blots out all traces of self-centeredness. To experience the thrill and satisfaction of living out my ideals, of fulfilling them and see them come to pass.

I wanted to be a photographer. Now I am a photographer. But...

There's always a 'But' in my life.

I am a small insignificant photographer who yearns to be recognized and be critically acclaimed and accomplished.

It seems like everything all boils down to my sense of self-worth and self-esteem. This is one area that I am sorely lacking in. I am always looking for affirmation, for reassurances. Whenever I receive praises I will always find ways to play it down. Such a hypocrite! Secretly inside I was lavishing in the praises but some part of my mind tends to block it out from most of my other mental systems. I was forbidden to outwardly show that I loved the praises by my own self-depreciating personality. Sounds a little like a split personality disorder doesn't it.

Oh well. In that case I think I'm in one of my more contemplative personalities.