First Rantings

Started another blog before this one. Did the stupid thing of telling people who knows me about it. It's like shooting myself in the foot. The freedom to write anything I felt like writing was lost once the site was made known.

My life sucks!

I'm married to a man I don't love. Isolated from my family. No friends. Big pile of work that needs to be done whatever mood I may be in.

I feel like crap every time I have to shoot a wedding. My own was far from what I had dreamed about. Wrong man, wrong helpers, wrong decisions. Everything was just wrong.

I can't leave him because I'm a coward. I am afraid of what will happen if I left. I will have no job, no money, no place to go.

It sucks! I hate that I am so dependent on him for my livelihood. The company is his, my equipment were bought by him, my salary comes from him. I tried to fool myself into thinking that I can be indispensable by taking over the company accounts, by taking on my clients, by taking on another portfolio. But this all just served to tie me down to him and his company even more. And now I not only have to answer to him I have to answer to my clients and to get their stuff ready.

I can't just walk away. I can't be irresponsible towards my clients who trusted me and signed up because of me. And I hate it.

I hate it that I have responsibilities towards others.

I am lonely and depressed.

The man I married who is now my husband doesn't seem interested in me as a whole person. There is no passion in our marriage. There is no tenderness. We share the same bed, ie he sleeps on one side I sleep on the other. We have never made love. Had sex yes but not love. Even the sex was unsatisfying.

But there is no I can blame for this mess that I'm in but myself. I could have said no and not marry him. Could have said no and not work for him. Could have said no and just remained as friends. But I was weak and lazy. It was convenient at the time to work for him. It was convenient to start a relationship then. It was convenient to get married and the idea of being married seemed rather nice then. I was lazy to look for another job that would require my to stick a fix routine. He offered me flexibility in working hours. I stayed with him so I didn't have to travel between home and work.

I am too lazy for my own good! But what am I going to do about?