Who am I?

What is a blog?

To me I suppose it's a place where I can be totally honest with myself and be frank and blunt without worrying about the sensitivities of others. This is for me to let off steam.

Actually I would like to have someone read these posts and leave their comments. I'm annoynemous so it doesn't matter who my readers are either. But just to know that somewhere out there someone is sharing in my anger, my pain, my insecurities, my depression, my complexities, and my various personalities, has a strange sense of comfort.

*Sigh!*

Well I don't know if anyone will ever stumble upon this blog since there are so many other bigger, more interesting blogs around. But I just wish that someone might.

There it is again! My need for affirmation and the constant yearning to be noticed. I want to be popular, be famous, be known by many for my talents,skills or accomplishments. I want to hear praises of me when I am not around and by people who are not my family or relatives. I want to be able to have something or to be someone to be proud of.

I keep wanting to have an exhibition of my works. To me that's something I can be proud of. Not just a small corner exhibition. But a big one that is noticed by the press and the public. Where I'll have a nice opening ceremony where I can invite my relatives and friends to and be able to show off and to prove to them that I can accomplish something that they can't. To prove to them that my dreams are not useless and childish. To prove to them that I am not a failure. To prove to them that even without the much sort after paper qualification I can still be somebody and accomplish success.

Given all those thots, it might seem like quite a bit of motivation for me really work hard to make them come true. But in this twisted world of mine that is no to be. I am my own curse. I am too lazy to do anything seriously for long. I'll always come up 'reasons' for not continuing a path.

All these writings and posts are all about me, what I want, who I am, me, me, me. Selfish huh?

But when I look at my whole life, seems like I am almost constantly trying to please other, to do what others wnat of me, to be how other thot I should be, to act, talk, work, dress, even think like what everyone else thinks I should. I wanted to do things my way, but everytime I tried I didn't get any support and always seemed to faced oppositions.

I am still confused at to what I should do. My Christian upbringing says to put others before me and to think about the welfare of others before myself. But I am finding that harder to do everyday as the years of not being able to find myself pile up onto of my self-esteem.

How can I help others when I don't even know how I am? How can I help others when I need help myself? I won't know how to help others because I didn't get any help myself.

So am I still being selfish for trying to work my way thru? For dwelling on myself in the confines of my own mind?

That's what I would like someone to tell me. I don't trust shrinks. I've been to a few and they were patronising, uncaring, stuck-up, and totally had no idea what I was trying to tell them. Tried sharing a little with some friends but all a got were frowns, frightened looks, and impatient remarks.

They all made me feel like there was something terribly wrong with me. There was a time when I thot so too myself. I tried to change, to be more like my 'friends'. But still no one liked me or would talk to me. So I just clammed up and shunned away from church, friends, school-mates, sometimes even my family. But I was always miserable. Nothing helped. I tried to turn to God but I guess my faith wasn't strong enough and I didn't give Him time.

Now, many many years later, I find myself still stuck in that same state of mind. It just got replaced from time to time with different variations of the same problems.

I hate to admit it but looking at myself, what I've accomplised so far on the path I've taken, and the things I've done, I can only come to one conclusion: I am a failure.

I try to work hard, but nothing comes out of it. I try to love my husband as he loves me, but I can't find it in my heart. I try to trust in God, but don't really know how.

I wish someone can help me work thru the confusions, knots and questions in my mind and my heart. I wish there was someone who knows exactly what to do. I wish there was someone I can really trust and believe in to understand my problems, thots, pain and messed up mind.

I wish I can speak with God directly and have Him speak with me directly as if we were on the phone. I wish I can hear His voice directly and know for certain that it is Him and not just my own mind telling myself what I want to hear. I wish He would make everything alright. I've wished for these things since I was a little girl.

Why can't I hear Him like others can? Is there something really wrong with me then?