Reality Sucks For Me

I should be a hermit.

That way no one will get hurt by me and I won't have to live with having to watch out for the feelings and sensibilities of others.

When I was with my parents I was their constant worry and stress. They would be late for church whenever I went with them. They would be embarrassed to talk to relatives about what I am doing whenever I was in between jobs. They would worry about still having to provide for me. Just to name a few.

Now I am in a marriage and have moved out of the house the curse of me went from my parents to my husband. He now has to bear with me. I think it might be worst for him coz he has only known me for the past 3 years. At least my parents had 27 years to get used to putting up with me.

Problem is I don't know why I am the way I am. And I get even more frustrated when I am asked to explain why I am acting in a certain manner when I am not entirely sure myself. I have such a huge amount of tangled up emotions that I don't know how to begin and where to begin trying to sort them out. My thought process isn't any better organized. Things are as confusing and murky.

That's why I often seek solace in movies, fiction novels, games. The further it is from any semblance of real life the better. It gives me a place to escape to. A place to hide away from the harsh realities of my own pathetic and miserable life. Even it is for a few hours at a time.

Another realm of unreality is in my dreams when I sleep. I dread to wake up whenever I sleep. My dreams always seemed somehow more manageable. Even scary ones. There are times when I wished I could just sleep and not wake up. Then I won't have to deal with my inadequacies, failures and curse on those close to me. And they won't have to put up with me any more either.

I am lazy beyond belief! I am starving now yet I am reluctant to walk a few steps to the kitchen and spend a few minutes cooking for myself. It's too troublesome. But I am so hungry... I guess I will probably wait till my stomach drives me to push against the laziness.

I am such a paradox to myself. I wish to be apart from everyone yet I can't live independently. I think I'll probably starve to death if I were to become a hermit. Not from the lack of motivation to cook but rather from the lack of food itself, since I would also be too lazy to work for long.

I am not young any more and that is one of my biggest fears. Growing old. As scary as it is I can't help seeing myself as one of the many homeless old folks I see on the streets. All alone with no friends, no family, no money, no shelter, but not time to die yet. *SHUDDER!!*

I think my stomach is winning. Really need to get some food asap.