Discontent

I wish I could live a different life.

One where the struggle to get things done isn't as difficult. A life where I can be more in control of my thoughts and actions.

I envy my friends who have found love, success and purpose in their life. What have I achieved in the same time span? Nothing but failures and regrets.

I'm just too lazy.

I wanted to leave the house today. To leave him for a few days. I really meant to but now I find myself stuck to my chair in front of the computer typing and complaining away.

I don't know how to deal with him and my melancholy at the same time. And him not being able to detect or understand that I get this way sometimes does not help. I hate explaining myself when I am in this 'funky' mood. It makes it worst when I am questioned relentlessly with the same questions: What's wrong with you? Why are you acting like that?, over and over again. It drives me against the wall and deeper into my depression. Why can't he understand that even after having explained it to him several times?

I have come to fully accept that there is no real love between my husband and I. He probably does love me as he claims but I certainly don't feel any love for him. I just feel a sense of obligation and a small need to fulfill my motherly instincts at times. But I am reluctant to sacrifice anything for him. I am unwilling to give in to him in any way. I am unable to be kissed by him in public without being embarrassed. I am reluctant to be seen naked by him.
He doesn't seem to be making much effort to learn about me and to understand me quietly. He is always asking for me to tell him things, to explain my every thought and action and behavior, to tell him why.
I need someone stronger than me, smarter than me. I need to be able to look up to my husband and feel protected by him in any situation and circumstance. I need to know that I have the understanding and support of my husband during my bouts of melancholia and depression. I need to feel his tenderness when we are in bed, not childish baby talk or faked porn sounds. I need to know that he loves me and is also attracted to my body. I need to know that I turn him on just by being close to him. I need to feel wanted and cherished.
I want to be taken care of. To be encouraged and supported to pursue my dreams. I need to able to be myself and to let go of my inhibitions when I am with him.

I was blind, stupid and lazy. Looking back it seems like I have been like that all my life. What's wrong with me?

What do I hope to achieve by writing all this down here?

I am only 28 or I am already 28?
The first statement brings hope that there is still room and time to change things.
The second speaks of a permanent condition, what else can I do to change things?

If I do not leave the house soon I will not be able to get away from him and will have to put up with his nagging and childish ways in my current state of mind. But where do I go? What will I do?

Everything I have is not my own. Even the clothes I wear are not bought by my own money. They were either bought by Jo or by my husband. I'm not sure how it ended up that way. I suppose only my monitor, keyboard, speakers, sandals and underwear (the old ones) are the only things I can say for certain are my own. I look around me and everything I see belongs to him or to the company. Even my treasured computer was paid for by the company when we upgraded.

I am such a pathetic creature that I make myself sick.

I wish I could live a different life.