What am I interested in?
What am I passionate about?
Why is it do difficult to answer these two questions? Especially the second one.
With a some thought I am able to list out my interests but somehow I can't find any answers to the second question about passion.
I can't seem to find anything that I am passionate about. There is no one topic or area where I am focused on and am totally enthralled or intrigued by to the extent of wanting to constantly know more about or indulge in.
Friday, September 15, 2006
To Write or Not To Write
After reading through my journals I want so much to be able to get back into the habit of keeping a journal and record down the stuff that I am going through.
This blog is something like a journal. But I can't really be too specific or detailed about my encounters, difficulties and struggles for fear of having someone I know chance upon it and thus discovering my secrets.
However I don't want to write them down on paper either. The chance of discovery is a lot higher with physical pages.
Hmm... I suppose if I really didn't want anyone to read my entries then I shouldn't be a part of webrings or list allow my site to be listed in the blog lists.
I know that ultimately I do want others to read about my thoughts (but preferably people that don't know me). I guess I am quietly seeking to relate to other people who can identify with some of the things that I am experiencing or simply just to have others share in my struggles.
Although I may not be able to be specific about names, locations, or other personal details, I can still be honest and detailed about the experience, the emotions, the pain and the struggle.
In here I can safely dump all the negative thoughts that I carry inside of me and perhaps in the process of doing so, be able to put some these problems into a better and healthier perspective.
All I need to do is allow myself the time and energy to put the thoughts, emotions and experiences into words and upload them here.
This blog is something like a journal. But I can't really be too specific or detailed about my encounters, difficulties and struggles for fear of having someone I know chance upon it and thus discovering my secrets.
However I don't want to write them down on paper either. The chance of discovery is a lot higher with physical pages.
Hmm... I suppose if I really didn't want anyone to read my entries then I shouldn't be a part of webrings or list allow my site to be listed in the blog lists.
I know that ultimately I do want others to read about my thoughts (but preferably people that don't know me). I guess I am quietly seeking to relate to other people who can identify with some of the things that I am experiencing or simply just to have others share in my struggles.
Although I may not be able to be specific about names, locations, or other personal details, I can still be honest and detailed about the experience, the emotions, the pain and the struggle.
In here I can safely dump all the negative thoughts that I carry inside of me and perhaps in the process of doing so, be able to put some these problems into a better and healthier perspective.
All I need to do is allow myself the time and energy to put the thoughts, emotions and experiences into words and upload them here.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Past Writings
I stumbled upon my old journals a few days ago and started reading through them.
These were writings from almost ten years ago and they documented the period when my life was forever changed.
I found myself riveted to the pages as I read through them, as if I was reading a novel about the life of someone else. Some incidences I recalled with great clarity but some incidences I had totally forgotten.
I wrote about the struggles that I was going through. I wrote about the hurts that I had experienced. I wrote about the futility that I felt that was my life then. I wrote about the things that happened to me and the decisions that I had to make.
I wrote them all down with great detail and honesty.
But reading through them made me realize how much I have changed in certain areas and yet in other areas I have remained virtually the same.
I was strangely saddened when I came to my last entry and felt a great sense of loss when I could not find one of my journals. It was the first one and it contained writings about my life before Him and also about how we came to be together and the following times that we shared. I wanted to recall those times with more detail then what I can do now.
Reading through all the entries with the gift of hindsight, I am able to see my mistakes and realize why things happened the way they did. But this realization came several years too late.
There were several entries where I wrote about the qualities I had hoped to find in my life partner. Strangely I found that I could find quite a few of them in my husband.
It had made me think much harder about our relationship, our marriage, to see where the problem could be. I realized that it has largely to do with me and my own perception of who I am and how important I am to those close to me.
My husband is a good man who does love me in his own way. He does have his faults and failings. But who doesn't?
The problem lies in me.
Although I found some qualities in my husband it does not mean that my heart can just ignore the fact that there is no passion or feeling within me towards him. And I am greatly saddened by this.
I can feel myself spiraling down again no matter how hard I try to fight it. I am feeling more depressed as the days go by. The journals helped me to understand a little better why I react the way I do towards my husband. But they have also contributed to my state of depression in a way that I can't explain.
These were writings from almost ten years ago and they documented the period when my life was forever changed.
I found myself riveted to the pages as I read through them, as if I was reading a novel about the life of someone else. Some incidences I recalled with great clarity but some incidences I had totally forgotten.
I wrote about the struggles that I was going through. I wrote about the hurts that I had experienced. I wrote about the futility that I felt that was my life then. I wrote about the things that happened to me and the decisions that I had to make.
I wrote them all down with great detail and honesty.
But reading through them made me realize how much I have changed in certain areas and yet in other areas I have remained virtually the same.
I was strangely saddened when I came to my last entry and felt a great sense of loss when I could not find one of my journals. It was the first one and it contained writings about my life before Him and also about how we came to be together and the following times that we shared. I wanted to recall those times with more detail then what I can do now.
Reading through all the entries with the gift of hindsight, I am able to see my mistakes and realize why things happened the way they did. But this realization came several years too late.
There were several entries where I wrote about the qualities I had hoped to find in my life partner. Strangely I found that I could find quite a few of them in my husband.
It had made me think much harder about our relationship, our marriage, to see where the problem could be. I realized that it has largely to do with me and my own perception of who I am and how important I am to those close to me.
My husband is a good man who does love me in his own way. He does have his faults and failings. But who doesn't?
The problem lies in me.
Although I found some qualities in my husband it does not mean that my heart can just ignore the fact that there is no passion or feeling within me towards him. And I am greatly saddened by this.
I can feel myself spiraling down again no matter how hard I try to fight it. I am feeling more depressed as the days go by. The journals helped me to understand a little better why I react the way I do towards my husband. But they have also contributed to my state of depression in a way that I can't explain.
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