Resolution?

The new year is almost here and I have not yet cleared the backlog of stuff from this year. I am so pathetic. I am also so tired of whining all the time about the pile of work I have yet to finish. How do I get my life back on track?

Things with the hubby have been going well lately. But how long will it last?

If there ever was a need for a book or article on 'How To Waste Time' or 'The Art of Procrastination' I'll probably be able to it.

What's my new year resolution?

Never to make one again. I've never been able to keep any resolution that I have made and it's depressing. I don't need another item on my list of things that is depressing to me.

Family Ties or Lies?

It really hurts when you are betrayed, let down or taken advantaged of, by someone you call family.

So what if they are an elder. Respect should go both ways right? Why should I be the one to constantly give in to them just because I came into this world several years later then them?

He still owes me a huge sum of money. Being the youngest and also young then, I was made to 'lend' him the money, which at that time was everything that I had. I was never given a fair choice. I was made to feel guilty if I had refused to part with my money then. I was always made to feel like I had an obligation to help him out because it was supposedly for the family.

Now after so many years, everytime I bring up the matter of him returning me my money he always said that he didn't have enough. Even though I suggested that he could pay me back in installments of $100 a month. But he could bring his family for holidays, buy a car, buy jewelry... etc.

He insisted on getting a cut when he recommended a 1-time deal to us. But when he got a huge on-going commission from a deal that I recommended he never once offered me anything.

And now I just learnt that he just took a client from me and claimed that he was entitled to the client because he was the one putting in the investments for the client. What a load of BULL SHIT!!

There are so many other such crap instances with him and the other one that sometimes it makes me wonder if I am right in defending my views on family unity and togetherness to my husband, who incidentally doesn't care much for family ties. In fact if I should bring this incident up to him, he would use it to reinforce his views.

What makes it more crappy is the fact that this came on an already slightly crappy tail end of a rather wonderful Christmas.

Sometimes I wished I could gather up the nerve to really tell them all off one by one without breaking down myself or allowing them to out talk me. There were times when the things that they say or do just gets me so fuming mad. But my mom did too damn good a job in drilling the importance of family harmony into me that I just shut my mouth and take the crap.

I wish I had a quick wit and a sharp tongue so that they will have no chance to out-talk, out-smart, or out-whatever me ever.

'Must Do' List VS 'Want To Do' List

I have so much to do but I don't want to do them!!

The more I think about the pile of work the more I procrastinate. I keep finding other non-important stuff to do... like blogging. Anything that is totally not work related has suddenly become so much more interesting and compelling.

To do list, in order of urgency:
1 - Clear up the HUGE mess on my desk!
2 - Accounting. (I've got a bunch of checks and cash sitting on my messy desk waiting to be accounted for and deposited!)
3 - Finish up the new website and prepare for uploading on 31 Dec and launching on 1 Jan. (I dun mind working on this once I can get the 1st 2 items out of the way)
4 - Start on and finish up on a project that is way way over due. (This is one of the most dreaded work stuff that I need to get done.)

There are other work related stuff that I want to be able to do once the above 4 items get cleared out of the way. They are, in no particular order:
- revamp my accounting system so that it is more automated and comprehensive.
- work on coming up with a comprehensive list of products and services that we provide as well as a standard price list for everything.
- have a better budgeting for the new year. Both personally and for the business.
- be more consistent and diligent in my filling.
- plan and implement the following: better work flow, better marketing and promotion strategies, better after-sales service.
hmmm... I think that's all I can think of for now.

As for stuff that I want to do for myself:
- develop my own portfolio more.
- find ways to give myself a life that does not only revolve around my work and husband.
- save enough money so that I give my parents another great holiday like I did only once before many years ago.
- find the courage and opportunity to go on a long holiday by myself as I have always wanted to.
- to become a full time student again but in a different country this time.

Such are the things (and many more) that crowd my mind, at times when I find the need to prioritize the urgent but yucky stuff so hard to do.

Procrastination

Incredible!

I just spent about 5 hours figuring out how to jazz up this blog instead of working on some seriously over due stuff. And the site still looks the same except for the slightly fancier title image and a few more links.

Talk about procrastinating.....

*Sigh!*

Back to trying to clear all the crap that is in front, to the left and to the right of me.

Year-end Reflections

I just realized that it's been 1 year since I started this blog. Time really flies.

Not sure if anyone bothered to read my entries or follow my few sporadic rants. But it doesn't really matter. This is where I come to dump thots and feelings that can't be shared with anyone I know anyway.

This being the end of another year, most people become reflective and ponder on what has happened in the year, and I am no different.

It has been a sad year for me. My career (if you can even call it that) has steadily spiraled downwards no matter what I tried to do to revive it. My marriage has come to a flat, boring and cold plateau (not that it was very exciting before). My circle of friends has dwindled to almost non-existent.

It doesn't sound very good but to be fair there were good times also.

I came in 1st in my Jap class exams and got the best student award. We went for a nice short holiday on a cruise and had a great time. My works were very appreciated and there were talks about the possibility of an exhibition in Europe. I found an independent source of income that could really boost my financial situation in the new year.

So actually things are not that grim afterall. I've got 1 more year in my prime and I intend to make full use of it!

Sweet Dreams

I had a really nice dream last night. It was also the very first time since I'd known my husband that I had a dream about us together.

I dreamt that we were on our way home in the night when it suddenly started to snow. The feeling was surreal since I knew that it's not possible to have snow in the tropics where I am, yet at the same time it somehow felt right.

It was magical. I felt like a child again and was giggling and smiling the whole time.

I wished I could have held onto that dream a little longer. But reality pushed it's harsh head through and brought me back to tasks that I dread to do and a life that I desperately want to change.

An Unrealized and Unfinished Dream From the Past

Something I wrote about 2 years ago. The feelings and longing that went into it are still as strong now as they were then. But it's been two years and I still can't finish the story. I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to find the ending.

It all became too much for her to bear. There was pressure from all sides. She felt isolated from her family. A little abandoned by them as well. She felt trapped in her relationship. She had no love for him yet she dared not leave him. She was afraid to let him down. She thought by marrying him she would learn to love him as much as he loved her. But she was wrong and the weight of that decision grows heavier as the days go by. Some days it was easier to bear. Some days she even thought she felt love for him and believed that all will be well after all. But it was all an illusion that fades all too quickly. As she went through her list of friends there wasn’t one that she could call upon for solace. She didn’t think they would understand. She didn’t want to bother them with her problems as they would no doubt have problems of their own to deal with. She felt incompetent at work as she sees the pile grow higher every day with no end in sight. She felt pinned under the increasing responsibility of maintaining and expanding the business. She was afraid of being indispensable. She felt chained.

She was alone, without help, without refuge, without support, with no way out.

She wanted to be free, to be happy, to love.

Disappearing for a few days, divorce, even suicide were ways of escaping that crossed her mind frequently. But there are always factors to hold her back, sensible, logical thoughts that kept her where she was. ‘Where would you go?’ ‘What would you do?’ ‘How would you survive?’ ‘How can you hurt those who love you?’ ‘How can you be so irresponsible?’ ‘Why are you so weak?’ ‘How can you be so selfish?’

Then one day it all became clear to her. She made up her mind, packed up some bare essentials and left. Leaving behind the people she cared about, a life she was familiar with, and half a lifetime of regrets, defeats, hurts and pains. She left without a word, offering no explanations, no reasons, no goodbyes, nothing. She wanted it that way. The only string she left attached was her marriage. She could not bear to severe the one thing that brought her genuine joy and love, even if it lasted only for a short while.

She decided to leave the country as she knew that it was the only way she could start afresh. Traveling around half the globe and using up almost all that she had, she arrived at a new place, full of uncertainties, strangers, dangers and anonymity.

But she knew where she needed to go and what she wanted to do.

Feeling the sudden urge to get to her destination quickly, she decided to run. She ran, and she ran, and as she ran she felt free. For the first time in her life she felt unbounded, unchained, unburdened, she was free. And so she ran with all her heart. There was a big smile on her face as she ran, and as she ran the smile turned into laughter.

All too soon she arrived at the end of her run. Panting from exertion and shivering with anticipation she approached the gates.

Heartache

How did I end up marrying someone I don't love?

He takes good care of me and he loves me. But I have no deep feelings for him. I don't really care much when he isn't around.

My heart lies with someone who has already fallen in love with another and has taken her as a wife.

I have been in denial all these years about my feelings for him. I thought I have already gotten over him. Thought I could get over him by meeting someone else.

I was wrong.

It still hurts when I think back to those times. I still dream of him from time to time.

My husband is a good companion. He is intelligent and we can have really engaging conversations. He is hardworking and works hard to provide for us. He makes an effort to remember my quirks and takes care of me.

Yet my heart remains neutral when I think about as romantically. I wish I could love him as deeply as I loved the other. I longed to feel the excitement and passion but it doesn't happen.

Everyday I tell myself that I need to give us more time, to give myself more time. I want to learn to love him. To care for him as a wife. But I can't.

Am I really still in love with the other? It's been so many years. Do I still love him or am I still in love with the idea of being with him? I know I miss the times we have spent together. I know that I was willing to do almost anything for him then but I am not willing to give in much to my husband now. I felt hurt and jealous when I heard he was getting married.

I feel so pathetic.

I thought that things were getting better. I really thought it was.

Why am I feeling so shitty now?

Parent - Child Bonding

My dad was sent to get a Cardiac Catheterization, also know as an angiogram, done yesterday morning. When my mum told me about the test I was both worried and afraid. Worried if he was going to be ok and afraid that there would be something wrong.

It was actually a routine and fairly simply procedure that he had to undergo. Since my dad is diabetic, the doctor got worried when he experienced mild chest pains after a Treadmill Stress Test. Well long story short we were all relieved when the test showed that all is well with my dad's heart and he was discharged the same day with no complications.

During the few days before the procedure the possibility of losing my dad was brought to the forefront of my mind. Everytime my thoughts stray to the possibility and what would it be like not having him around, my chest tightens up and my eyes start to tear. I love both my parents dearly and the mere thought of losing either one of them hurts me to the core. I can't imagine permanently not having either one of them around. I know that that is unavoidable and eventually the Lord will take them back to Him. But it still hurts nonetheless.

I was able to spend some time with my mum while we waited for my dad to be discharged. It was great and I realized how much I missed spending time with her. I would have liked to spend the evening having dinner with both my mum and dad but I had to rush back to work after sending them home. I won't be able to see them for a while unless we are able to take some time out to go over for dinner which is quite unlikely at least for the next week.

I hope that when my husband and I have kids they will love us as much as I love my parents. But then on the other hand I hope that we will be able and willing to sacrifice for and love our children as much as my parents did for me and my brothers.

Full Score!

I scored 100/100 with 7 bonus points to boot on my Jap test on Thur!!

I've thinking about how to write this down but Inothing seemed to work better than that.

It's been so long I can't even remember when I last scored full marks on a test. It felt really good. Even though it's just a simple end semester test and only still at level 1, it still felt great!

Just needed to document this moment before I lose it among all the crap in my life.

Yay!!!

Baby Blues

It seems like almost everyone I know around my age group already have kids, just gave birth or are about to give birth.

There are babies and toddlers everywhere. It started about 3 years ago I think. First you hear a string of so-and-so getting married to so-and-so. It seems that everyone is getting married. Then the next thing you know its 'so-and-so is pregnant', 'oh, so-n-so has given birth'...yada yada yada...

It is said to be a natural course of life and the God ordained path once a couple joins in holy matrimony. To have children is meant to be a blessing and is meant to bring great joy. To my friends who have become parents shortly after getting married, that is true.

Yet why do I feel pressured into having a child rather than supported? Pressured by social norms, traditional views and religious reasons. Whenever I said that both my husband and I are not ready for a child yet, I am faced with disbelieving and shocked expressions. It was like as if I had said something foul. The more understanding ones will try to play the counselor and start trying to psycho-analyze our decision as diplomatically as they now how.

I like kids when they are obedient and displays some intelligence. I have very low tolerance of noisy, bratty, rude, inconsiderate and stupid kids. The sort that runs around like a crowded restaurant yelling at the top of their voices, the sort that retorts back at you when told to follow instructions, the sort that pushes their way into a crowded elevator as others are trying to get out, the sort that runs headlong into someone because they weren't looking at where they were heading and then looking up at the person with a startled and non-comprehending expression.

But after having said all that, I do conceded that most of the time it isn't entirely the kid's fault. The parents/legal guardian are as much if not more to blame for the behavior of the child in public or around others.

I strongly believe that a child's upbringing and discipline should be the sole responsibility of the parents/ guardian. Not maids, teachers or grandparents (unless they are the guardians). I know that some might say that I should not make such a sweeping statement. There are always other factors to consider, like divorce, death or abuse. But if we were to trace the root of the problem it most often then not will lead back to the parents.

Being parents is an enormous responsibility. It isn't just providing the physical and material needs of another being. But to nurture the emotional, mental and spiritual needs as well. How a child behaves in public depends on how well these needs are met.

I am intimidated by such a responsibility. I am afraid of my own inability to nurture my child into an engaging, obedient, considerate and intelligent individual.

How can I take care of someone who will be so utterly dependent on me for a good 18-20 years when I can't even take care of myself? As well as my unresolved dilemma regarding my marriage and my feelings toward my husband.

How can I bring a child into such a situation?

As much as I would like to have a child of my own, I won't have one unless I know that I love my husband enough to stick with him till death do us part and unless I know that my husband is ready and willing to become a father. At least then I'll know that I won't be alone in process and that our child will be conceived in love and will be brought up with love.

Time: 7.30am

Divine Grace

Things have taken a 180 degree turn since the last time I wrote.

I gave in and we made up shortly after the last entry.

We just came back from an amazing, well deserved and well spent holiday.

I started making time to spend some quiet time with God at the start of every day after we made up. I didn't realize how dry and hungry my heart and soul was for the Lord's word until I started reading the passages. Being able to continue spending such quiet time during our holiday was truly God's grace. I use 2 different daily guides and I am still amazed at how the same message runs through both guides every day.

My relationship with my husband has also improved. I pray that it will get better.

Whatever doubts I had about my marriage and my feelings for my husband I submit them to God's will daily as I read His word. It is actually quite liberating to pray for His will to be done and His purpose for me and us to be fulfilled and not dwell on things I don't know and have not control over.

I pray that this is not just a phase like so many other attempts I have made in the past. I need to remember that I shouldn't rely on my own strength and understanding. That's a sure way to loose steam and become discouraged.

2.00am

Pride and Prejudice

Me and my stupid pride.

I don't know what to do about the situation with him.

Well actually I know what can be done but I am so reluctant to do it. To give in and accept his apologies and make up would mean swallowing my pride.

Sounds rather stupid really. And pathetic too.

The situation is ridiculous. I'm not speaking to him or acknowledging his presence or answering his questions. He is hurt and at a loss for what to do. He was actually desperate enough to call my parent for help. They came over on Wednesday on some pretext to see what's going on. Then my dad came over yesterday to try to talk to me and find out what happened.

Instead of helping matters the conversation with my dad set off a new wave of depression and self loathing. It was all I can do to stop myself from bawling when my father stroked my head like when I was a little girl.

Now my parents are involved in this and they must be really worried, especially my mum. How do I tell them that everything was my own stupid fault?

How do I explain that because I can't stand stupidity and lack of initiative in myself, I am also unable to accept that he displays an even greater level of the very traits I detest?

I so want to reconcile and stop the silent treatment. But whenever I am near him or hear his voice I feel the irritation rise up from within. Every little thing that he does simply got on my nerves. I can't believe how stupid he can be.

I am lying on my side on the bed watching tv when he came back. Out of his concern for me he bought dinner knowing that I probably hadn't eaten. And then he promptly placed the tray and bag of food infront of me totally blocking my view of the screen. Normally I would have sat up so that I could continue watching and eat at the same time. But this time I was shocked and somewhat disgusted at his lack of observation. I laid there for a few minutes waiting to see if he realized the problem. But being the careless, insensitive, unobservant and thick-headed idiot that he is, he didn't notice.

I had asked him several times throughout the past 2 months for some of last year's accounting info. He suddenly remembered that the deadline was nearing but he had forgotten which months I had needed. So he happily asked me to tell him what was it that I needed. Now if it was specific information I can understand why he would need to ask me. But all I needed were all of the monthly totals for last year. What I am getting at is his seeming inability to think through a problem by himself. He knew that I needed figures for all 12 months. He also knew that I already have the figures for some of the months. He just could not remember which are the months that I needed from him. Why couldn't he have simply given me the figures of which ever months he had? The worst that can happen is and over lap in information, in which case I can handle easily on my end. That's what I mean by the inability to think for himself and solve the problem.

I realize that I have no respect for him at all and I don't trust him to make sound decisions regarding most issues. I feel digusted by him and the way he behaves.

I have difficulties submitting to him simply because I don't trust him. In my eyes he is a weak little boy that is so needy all the time.

I am selfish and proud. But my pride is only my way of shielding my low self-esteem.

Having said all that, how do I make up with him and stop the silent treatment?

Time:3.58am

Embarrassment and Lost Memories

I hate it when I have an emotional outburst. It leaves me feeling vulnerable and weak. It is embarrassing for me. And I hate to be embarrassed.

I remember when I was about 7 or 8 my palm got smacked by the teacher for not learning my spelling. I felt totally humiliated in front of the whole class and searing pain on my palm didn't help in keeping myself under control. I was fighting so hard not to cry but as I clutched my hand against my stomach the tears started flowing. The teacher got worried when she saw me cry and came over to asked if my hand hurt. Being embarrassed enough as well as being too proud to admit that she was right I lied. I covered my embarrassment by claiming to be having a bad stomach ache. My tears didn't stop so the teacher bought it and carried me down to sick bay. Everyone believed I was really suffering from a stomach ache. Even my parents. But till this day I've never told anyone the truth about what happened.

As I grew up there were countless other times where I'd had to cover up my embarrassment. I don't remember them now. I didn't want to remember them.

I get embarrassed when a weakness of mine is exposed. I get embarrassed even infront of my parents.

My defense is anger. I turn on anyone who has the misfortune of being around when it happened. Those most badly affected are always those close to me. I'll never release my anger and frustration out on friends. They don't want to know this side of me.

Feeling incompetent and not doing a good job gets to me the most. When I perceive that that is how I am being assessed it just sparks off inside me.

When I get questioned over why things are not getting done when the reason is because of my own incompetence, it goes off.

When questioned to explain my behaviour which from my perspective will cause me more embarrassment, it goes off.

When I'm being humoured and coaxed to calm down and respond which to me is admitting defeat, it goes off.

I don't know how I became the way I am. When I tried to recall back on my formative years to try and get an clue as to what could have happened my mind draws a blank. It is as if the memories got erased. I see fleeting images and remember bits and pieces but always nothing substantive. My recount of the school incident is one of the few traumatic memories that I have.

I remember being terrified when the nurses tried to stick a tube into my nose when I was 4.

I remember getting my thumb slammed by the closing front door when I was about 4 or 5.

I remember being devastated when I was cut from the school dance performance of the year because I was sick and missed a practice when I was about 7.

I remember my grandfather passing away when I was 9.

I remember being terrified when my elder brothers started fighting while my parents were out when I was about 10.

I remember my grandmother passing away when I was 12.

After that everything just sort of meddled into one huge blur until when I turned 19. The memories since then are still fresh and vivid in my mind whether I want them to be or not. There are some memories I'd rather push back and have it meld with the puddle that made up my teen years.

I am such a messed up person inside. I should never have agreed to marry him or anyone else for that matter. At least not until I straightened myself out. It is unfair for me to dump the burden of me onto him unawares. He absolutely had no idea what he was getting himself into when he proposed. I often wonder if he ever regretted the decision as I frequently have.

P.M.S. Blow Up

Blew up at him on Sunday over a seemingly small and legitimate request (now on hindsight) and has hardly spoken to him since. It started out as irritation at him for making the request at that time, it got progressively worst as he began to nag (from my POV), by now I was feeling really pissed off and pointedly ignored him like I always do. After so many such conflicts and occurrences, I was, and still am, disappointed that he still doesn't notice the warning and danger signs that I give out under such happenings. I've tried telling him in more peaceful times about how I react and what best to do in such situations. But somehow it just doesn't seem to have gotten through to him.

Normally I would have simply continued to ignore him until I can find some solitude to calm down. This time it turned out quite differently. His non-stop talking and questions and remarks were really getting on my already severely grated nerves.

First I tried to tune out his voice as usual. It didn't work. Then I tried to get away by locking myself in our bedroom so that I can be by myself for a while. But he won't let me.

I was really frustrated and extremely pissed off by then. I stormed out to the hall in the hopes of putting at least a bit more distance between me and that annoying voice of his. All the time he just kept right on questioning, nagging, talking, accusing:

"Why are you being so unreasonable?";
"I can't understand why you are behaving like that.";
"I talking to you. Don't ignore me, it's rude.";
"Why can't you just do that for me? It doesn't take very long.";
"You can do it later after we come back from dinner.";

... just to list a few lines.

I can't remember what was the last thing he said that made me snap. I only remember his voice became muffled and the next thing I knew I spun around and began yelling back at him. But I remember clearly the first words out of my mouth: "Then kill me. Get rid of me."

The thoughts and words came bubbling up from inside. Things that I've felt but never allowed myself to voice out. My self-doubt, insecurities, emotions. It all just came out in clear words. No longer just thoughts within my mind. For once I was speaking the truth from my heart to him.

(Forgot to mention earlier that I was fell sick on Fri and still wasn't feeling all to well yet on Sun. Added to my irritation since I felt he was being insensitive.)

It was quite pathetic really. I started out being pissed off at him. But ended up beating myself up.

I am still not talking to him unless absolutely necessary. I've refused to let him touch me and I won't look at him. To him I am still angry at him for some reason that he just can't figure out. He has tried to make up with me. He apologized for being stupid and insensitive on Sunday many times over. Kept saying he loves me and missed me. Kept trying to get me talk to him and to make up.

From the outside and just reading these lines it may seem really sweet. But given the stated of my emotions it was like pouring oil on fire. The more he did the more difficult it was for me to cope and come to terms with myself again and what happened.

I am embarrassed at my outburst.

I am a strange person. I need to be away from people close to me when I am in the state that I am in. But yet I am not an outdoor person. Before I married and moved out, my room was my refuge from everyone. My parents knew to leave me alone when my mood changed. But unfortunately I didn't realized just how important having that refuge was to me.

I had always thought and wished that I would someday fall in love with someone and be loved back in return so completely that I won't need the refuge anymore. I knew when I got married that this relationship was far from what I had hoped. For starters I wasn't even sure I loved him at all. I married him for all the stupid reasons: I was lazy, It was convenient, He asked, The idea of getting married was exciting.

Actually I have only myself to blame for the predicament that I'm in.

It is now 7.18 in the morning. I've stayed up all night at the computer telling myself I need to get my work done. But I've done anything but work. I'm in shit and it gets deeper by every minute that passes until I finish the projects on hand. They are all extremely long over due.

Started up the program only to stare at the clips with an enormous reluctance to do anything to it. Various other things to do kept coming to mind. And finally I find myself here, at this point of my entry. I've spent over an hour putting all these down.

I can't even shrivel up and die even if I wanted to. At least not until I have fulfilled my freaking responsibilities to the clients. Sometimes I wish I was working for someone else instead. At least there are proper hours, weekends and off days. But I know I won't be able to stay long in on place though. I'm too damn lazy for my own good. I won't be able to get up at 6 am every morning to get to work.

I need help. In more areas than just with work:

- Work,
- House chores, (although he does most of it)
- Mental health,
- Emotional stability,
- Interpersonal relationships,
.... just to name some.

I just found out today the possible main reason for what happened on Sunday. I didn't realize that I was going through my monthly bout of PMS.

Sometimes it sucks to be a woman. But only sometimes.

It is now 7.38am.

To Do List

1. Laundry
2. Digitizing KJ's video footages
3. Listening to KJ's song selection
4. Editing KJ's video footages
5. Wrapping up Jan accounts
6. Sort out bills, invoices, statements and receipts for Jan and Feb
7. Key in latest balance payment
   
8. Send out Jan statement of accounts to clients
9. Generate quotation to C&C for 15 Feb
10. Generate quotation to IMC for 25 Feb
11. Generate deposit statements for 2 couples
12. Answer course emails
13. Prepare customized course content for SWA
14. Issue cheque payment to CZ
15. Buy baskets for CZ, CHC, TWGS and KC
16. Clean up desk
17. Clear up surrounding area of desk
18. Review above items and generate another to do list

He Deserves Better

He deserves someone who loves and cherishes him. Not someone like me who treats him so heartlessly.

When he is not feeling well or is tired, I feel no sympathy or worry for him anymore. When he cries out in pain I get irritated not worried. When he yells at the sight of a gecko I frown and get frustrate because it only means that I have to hunt down and kill the damn thing, even if it takes all night.

There is more resentment in my heart for him than love.

He does try in his own way to make me happy. But it's not what I want. He is not what I want. He is not what I need. And with feelings like these, I am not good for him. But why can't he see that? Or is he refusing to see it? Why is he so adamant in loving me?

I don't feel secure with him. In fact I feel like I have to look out for us all the time. Whenever I tried to let him be the 'man' and take the lead, things go wrong.

He needs someone who is more secure in themselves and who doesn't mind taking the lead most of the time.

I'm not like that. I need to know that my partner is able to take care of me and himself. I need to be able to feel safe when we go out or when I'm in his arms. I need to be able to look up to my partner. I need to know that it's ok even if I don't know the way or if I didn't notice the turn, because he was looking out for it as well.

We should be able to share some common ideals, beliefs, goals and mindsets. But I don't feel like we do. We share nothing in common. We don't see eye to eye on most matters. Sometimes he compromises to me just to avoid another argument. Most of the time I simply shut up and walk away before I end up saying something that shouldn't be said.

There is no mutual understanding. I don't really understand him and he definitely doesn't understand me.

As the days go by I am finding it more and more difficult to trust in him anymore. Not that he will be unfaithful to me, he has an incredibly low sex drive, but more like I don't trust his ability to make sound decisions. I find myself second guessing him all the time and I hate it. I need to be able to trust my partner, my husband. But most of the time my mind will yell out at him, "You stupid idiot! Why the hell did you do that for?!" or "Why can't you use your own brain and think for yourself!" But I always bite my tongue and stop from screaming out at him. I know that once certain things get said out loud it can never be taken back.

I cringe from his touch now. It feels awkward to even hold hands when we go out. When we hug I feel like I'm hugging a friend.

This is not how a marriage is suppose to be.

How did it come to this?

Internal Turmoil

Actually I'm feeling rather half hearted about making this entry. I have many issues to put down and yet I have none. The thoughts are chasing around in my head again. I hate it when this happens. Before I can finish with one thought, idea, emotion or reaction another one comes rushing in. It's difficult to concentrate when my mind is in such internal turmoil.

*Sigh!*

Perhaps it's because I didn't pen(or in this case type) down my thoughts/emotions frequently enough to keep up with my seemingly hyperactive neurons. There was no outlet for them so they chase each other around the playground, which happens to be my mind, to amuse themselves.

Ok let me try and sort things out a bit....
(in no particular order... yet)

1. The ever increasing stress level to complete three jobs that will mark my final projects in that field.
2. The first dateline for the above projects is in 7 days and I've not yet been able to start on it.
3. My desk is constantly in a mess.
4. I have no life.
5. I cringe from the touch of my husband.
6. I get extremely irritable when I'm with him.
7. I get annoyed and disgusted at his seeming inability to withstand pain.
8. I get annoyed at how attention seeking he can be.
9. I am frustrated that my life and marriage is turning out the way it is.
10. I am depressed coz I know that I am the reason why I'm in this rut in the first place.
11. I am a selfish, insensitive and cruel bitch.
12. I find no joy or meaning to anything I do any more.
13. I think I suffer from chronic depression.

Point 12 is mostly likely the main reason why I didn't turn to this blog earlier. I just didn't see the need or impulse to do so. My mind drew a blank everytime I thought about making an entry.

Point 13 kind of sums up why I'm feeling so shity now and for most of my pathetic life.

I am so constantly plagued by my own insecurities that it has rendered me socially handicapped. It takes a great deal out of me to be around people and having to interact with them. I can deal with mingling and entertaining in short spurts, but to do it constantly drains me. It strips away my ability to shield myself from self-doubt. I start to feel stupid and wit-less. When that happens I become increasingly short fused towards the ones closes to me, which only adds to the depress me further.

I hate myself. I hate my total lack of self-discipline. I hate my laziness. I hate my temper. I hate my pride. I hate my selfishness. I hate my inability to love others. I hate my constant discontentment. I hate my stupidity. I just hate myself.

I feel like such a fraud. A fake. A hypocrite.

No, not 'feel like'. I AM a fraud, a fake, a hypocrite.

My Current Obsession

Recently I've been strangely obsessed with a particular Japanese manga series. I've spent hours reading the translated chapters online and then more hours searching for other information about the story and then some more hours searching for and reading fanfiction based on the characters. I'm beginning to buy the graphic novel even though I know it's going to cost me quite a bit to collect all the volumes.

I've wondered about why I'm so obsessed with this one particular series. I've never been much of a manga fan. I've enjoyed some of the more intriguing anime movies but no one series has ever caught my attention and held it for so long.

And then I realized the attraction this particular story held for me. The immediate attraction was the fact that it was totally impossible and unreal, it gave an escape from my own realities. But what held me were the two central characters. The relationship and bond between them, the unspoken emotions that they felt (but were conveniently explained to the readers), the struggles that they faced about each other and themselves. It also helped that the male lead is really cool and cute.

I know that the description I just typed fits a lot of stories and movies around. So why is this one so special? Frankly I'm not sure myself. I just feel drawn into the story and I can picture the scenes and hear the conversations and exchanges as I read the text. Watching the anime version helps a lot when reading the manga, especially in the voicing and sound effects.

I know I'm obsessed when it's the last thing I think about when I go to bed, it's the first thing that comes to mind when I wake up, the names and story are constantly in my mind throughout the day, I had even wished I could dream about the characters and the story in my sleep.

But although I know that I'm totally engrossed in the story, I'm reluctant to stop. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Perhaps it will just fade through time as I move on or grow up some more.

Whatever it is, as least for the time being I have a place to retreat to and hide away from my responsibilities, unhappiness and husband.

Futile Yearnings

I was a fool to think that I was noble enough to accept him being shorter and physically smaller than me. I was such a fool.

I can't accept it!

How I long to have a strong chest to lean against when I'm standing up. To be hugged by strong arms. To feel safe and protected.

I will always have this shadow in my heart as long as I'm with him. The only time I can hope to deceive myself into seeking comfort in his arms is when we are in bed, when our difference in height is not that apparent, when I can pretend that he is taller than me.

How do I put into words the pain, the longing and the guilt that I feel everyday.

A Name and Our Silence

As I surf around other blogs I noticed one thing: most if not all of them have interesting names/titles. Then I looked at mine and realize how simple and boring my blog title is. But I can't seem to come up with anything interesting and is true to the meaning and purpose of the site. So I guess My Thotz will remain as is for now.

==

I wish I didn't have to come home tonight. Actually it doesn't feel like home at all. There's no warmth in this house.

We haven't spoken a word to each other the entire day. He's in front of me working on his computer while talking to his friend on the phone. And I'm in front of my computer making this entry. We didn't greet each other when I came back earlier. I couldn't even bring myself to look in his direction.

To be honest I'm not sure what happened. I don't even remember why I'm angry. But somehow I can't bring myself to start talking to him. He's not talking to me either.

Insights

Playing the victim and wallowing in self pity and puffed up indignation is strangely comfortable.

That realization came from a most unexpected source: a Japanese anime called The Twelve Kingdoms. One of the characters was in and argument with another over who has endured the most sufferings in their lives when one of them rebuked the other by pointing out that no one actually suffers more than others, everyone feels pain equally. But if the pain or suffering was really bad, she (one of the characters) would have really tried ways to get out of the situation instead of always lamenting and blaming others. The fact was that by playing the victim was a more comfortable state of mind to be in, than to have to take responsibility for herself.

That struck a cord with me. Made me wonder if I was doing the same thing. The more I thought about it, the more likely it became. Often times when faced with difficult situations or uncomfortable confrontations, especially if I had to explain myself or my actions, I turn around and assume the mindset and attitude of a someone who was victimized. It justified my thoughts and actions. It allowed me to shrink from my responsibilities and the consequences of my own actions.

But I suppose that's our basic human nature: to shift the blame of anything unpleasant to something or someone else but ourselves. That's the legacy that was left to us by Adam and Eve.

realizing something and actually acting upon it are town entirely different things. I admit that I will continue 'playing victim' because the thought of carrying blame and facing up to my faults is just too much bear. I'm a coward and a hypocrite.

==

My mind is always on what has happened or what might happen, but it is never on what is happening now. That's where all my regrets come from: by not paying attention to the now and doing what needs to be done or doing what's right.

==

How can I expect others to understand me when I don't understand myself most of the time?

That's a question that I asked myself many years ago when I first became aware that I have a problem coping socially. I asked that again today as it has become relevant again.

==

I argue with myself so much that many of the things that I initially wanted to write down have now either become null or confused. I started many sentences before this one but I can never complete them. Just deleted another start of a sentence.

==

I am dwelling. I feel better now after dumping all that in here. I feel like thinking about the holidays I've been on now.

Aftermath of Boxing Day Tsunami - My Take

Was reading an entry on bv's site and what was said helped to explain my reactions to the calamity in South & South-east Asia: I am saddened not so much by the incredible loss of lives, but more so by my inability to feel any more strongly about the event and the people affected.

As I watch the news everyday, hear about the many stories of miraculous escapes or heart wrenching losses, watch the many different footages of the waves and water, view the images of countless blackened bodies, I am strangely numb.

The visuals and reports has a detachment to it that makes it very difficult for me to emphatize/sympathize with the surviving victims of what is called the worst natural disaster in modern history. I find it difficult to comprehend or imagine the destruction, smells, sights and sounds that are reported and shown on tv.

It is disgusting sometimes to realize how sheltered and complacent we can become when the place you grew up in hardly ever experiences any disasters or catastrophes. That's how I'm feeling now: disgusted. Not by the gruesome images that are sometimes shown, but by the fact that I don't feel much pain or sorrow and to make it worst, I don't even really feel the compulsion to do much about it. Of course the easiest way to help is to donate money to the relief effort. But even that poses a dilemma: how much should I give? how much would quiet my conscience that I contributed?

Yet life has to go on, and indeed for the rest of the world, as we watched, time goes on and life moves on. Which makes it all the more difficult to truly react to the situation with the proper respect that a calamity of this magnitude deserves.

As the death toll rises to staggering figures of more than 100 000, that alone creates a sense of detachment as it inevitably becomes simply an incredible statistic. It is hard to truly accept and comprehend such a huge loss of human lives when all you see and hear are what's available in the papers, on tv and on the internet.

But I suppose that's the same with any disaster in any part of the world with any number of lives lost. You really need to either be there personally or be closely affected by the event to understand and feel the grief and sense of loss.

I am thankful that my family and I are safe. Yet I feel guilty at the same time that we are spared while there are so many others who were not. Times like these really makes you wonder and ask the natural question of 'Why?' But if you think about it, would it really help or make a difference if we did know the reason(s) behind such events? What would we do with such information? Will we be able to handle such truths? Perhaps that's why we are not meant to understand everything about such happenings. Times like these really are incredible tests of faith.

My respect goes out to volunteers who are personally and physically involved in the relief effort, both in the their countries and at the affected areas. Especially to those who has to handle the many bodies and cope with the images and smells that would no doubt remain in their memories for the rest of their lives.

First musings of the new year

It's a new year..... so?

I have so much to say but don't know how to put them or even where to start.

I'm in a melancholy sort of mood at the moment.

I don't know how long I can go on pretending that I am in love with the man I married.

I think I really need to find another life for myself so that I will have the courage to leave him on day and be on my own.

As I stare at the screen and keyboard, my mind is a whirl of thots too many and too fast to make sense of and type out.

All I can comprehend is this heavy sadness on my heart tonight.

It was another pathetic crossing from one year to the next. And what made it more so than the others I've experienced before is the fact that I have supposedly found my life partner with whom I should enjoy sharing such moments together.

I wish I could turn back time and choose again.

If I could here's what I'll do:
- Study harder,
- Say no to C,
- Say no to K,
- Say no to J,
- Look out for people who are like-minded and ignore those who didn't care, instead of dwelling on why no one thot about the same things as me and how to make others befriend me.
- Would not have join the uniform group in school

If only time can be turned back like the hands of a clock.

I made the mistake of taking a look at my ex-bf's honeymoon pix when I happen to stumble upon his online photo album thru another friend's site.

I'm not upset that they have found and married each other. But I am upset that they are happy while I'm not. That he has found someone he loves so much it made him want to marry her, while I'm trying to pretend that I've found someone I love and am happy with.

I feel so foolish now doing all those things for him, especially during our wedding. I feel cheated and stupid. Why didn't I just say no in the first place?

We had sex on the night of his birthday. It was after a long break of about 2 months or more without intercourse. But as I had expected it was uneventful and lasted for about 5 to 7 mins.

I am not sure which is worst: nagging at him and telling him off all the time, or simply keeping quiet and allow him to do whatever he wants however he wants.