Heartache

How did I end up marrying someone I don't love?

He takes good care of me and he loves me. But I have no deep feelings for him. I don't really care much when he isn't around.

My heart lies with someone who has already fallen in love with another and has taken her as a wife.

I have been in denial all these years about my feelings for him. I thought I have already gotten over him. Thought I could get over him by meeting someone else.

I was wrong.

It still hurts when I think back to those times. I still dream of him from time to time.

My husband is a good companion. He is intelligent and we can have really engaging conversations. He is hardworking and works hard to provide for us. He makes an effort to remember my quirks and takes care of me.

Yet my heart remains neutral when I think about as romantically. I wish I could love him as deeply as I loved the other. I longed to feel the excitement and passion but it doesn't happen.

Everyday I tell myself that I need to give us more time, to give myself more time. I want to learn to love him. To care for him as a wife. But I can't.

Am I really still in love with the other? It's been so many years. Do I still love him or am I still in love with the idea of being with him? I know I miss the times we have spent together. I know that I was willing to do almost anything for him then but I am not willing to give in much to my husband now. I felt hurt and jealous when I heard he was getting married.

I feel so pathetic.

I thought that things were getting better. I really thought it was.

Why am I feeling so shitty now?