I hate my life!
I am not allowed to say no. If I say no I am made to feel guilty about it and made to feel that there was something wrong with me for saying no.
I don't want to go out and 'hawk my wares' like everyone else. I have my own plans.
I don't want to be forced to do a shoot just because he made the mistake and expects me to clean it up for him. The stress is disruptive.
I don't like being told what I should or shouldn't do with my life and my time. It's my life and my time so I should be the one deciding.
I don't like to fawn over others just so they can feel good about themselves and hopefully be nice to me. I have my pride and if you don't like my style then that's too bad.
I don't like to be made to feel inadequate or incompetent. I definitely do not like to be made to feel stupid. I don't do that to others so why should I take it from them when it is dished out to me?
I don't like to be dependent on others and I don't like taking care of others. I need my space, my freedom and my sanity.
Yes, I want to be an arrogant, proud, selfish, intelligent and self-sufficient person who is respected, listened to, loved by everyone I meet. I want them to be awed by my self-confidence, my achievements, my intelligence.
Because that seems like it is what the people around me and in this world like to see in a person.
I am fed up with being nice, accommodating, sensitive and quiet. I am fed up with having others step all over me. I am fed up with being forgotten and over looked. I am fed up with being the last minute thought or inclusion just to fill up the numbers. I am fed up that I am not allowed to show my unhappiness or displeasure by taking it out on others and yet I have to take it when they take it out on me.
I am just plain fed up with this life and the way others are treating me.
I wish to start over. To go to a new place with new people and just start all over. I want to leave all this garbage behind. I want to erase, delete and empty the trash.
I want a new life. A new home. New friends. No husband. A new job.
I wish death could have been the best solution to my problem. It would be so much easier.
I have lost weight because I have not been eating regularly. I only eat when I am hungry and then only a little bit. Most of the time that means only 1 meal a day.
I look haggard because I haven't been sleeping well. My eyes look tired with dark rings underneath.
I look at myself in the mirror and wonder who is that looking back at me.
I come in here, I write all these down, I upload it, and then I log out. But what purpose does it all serve? What am I trying to achieve by doing this? Who am I trying to impress?
It just pathetic!
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Enough is Enough
I know I need to stop working with her. I need to distance myself from her so that I can stand on my own two feet.
As long I stay in partnership with her I will always feel that I am not good enough and that I am always 1 step behind her. And that sucks.
I am constantly faced with the situation where I reinvent my stuff without any pause only to find that I am still 1 step behind her. My already fragile confidence is trashed everytime I see our stuff placed side by side, because the difference is painfully clear.
The process of creating art with your hands is suppose to be fun and therapeutic. And ideas are supposed to flow with practice. But due to my constant need to at least get on par with her I find myself getting mental blocks and I can't create anything. The times that I do they almost always tend to turn out like crap. Even when I think they look quite alright, it always looks too simple or plain or just ugly beside her stuff.
I am beginning to question if I should be in this to begin with. I am beginning to doubt my own creativity. I am beginning to doubt if anyone will ever be interested in my designs. I am beginning to ask myself if I should quit and find something else to do.
But it is not really that simple as to just quit and move onto something else. I have already invested too much and have sunk in to deep to just quit. I should not have gone in with her so quickly and without giving it more thought.
That's why I am thinking that the only way for me to regain my ground is to remove myself from contact with her. To eliminate the stress of trying to out do her and instead, concentrate on trying to outdo myself with every design. I need to strike out on my own and show my stuff alone.
At least this way if I should still continue to get the response that I have been getting while with her then I am satisfied that the problem really does lie with me and my work. At least this way it would be more justifiable if I quit and moved onto something else.
I hate feeling so crappy about myself all the time. And having my works being commented as 'common', 'not precious' and 'cheap', to my face, does not help. I know I shouldn't take such remarks personally but I can't help it. No matter how much I try I can't stop myself from feeling the sting.
Why do I never feel like I am good enough? It doesn't seem to matter what it was that I did. I never feel that it is ever good enough, and thus feel that I am not good enough. When will it become enough? Will I ever find enough?
As long I stay in partnership with her I will always feel that I am not good enough and that I am always 1 step behind her. And that sucks.
I am constantly faced with the situation where I reinvent my stuff without any pause only to find that I am still 1 step behind her. My already fragile confidence is trashed everytime I see our stuff placed side by side, because the difference is painfully clear.
The process of creating art with your hands is suppose to be fun and therapeutic. And ideas are supposed to flow with practice. But due to my constant need to at least get on par with her I find myself getting mental blocks and I can't create anything. The times that I do they almost always tend to turn out like crap. Even when I think they look quite alright, it always looks too simple or plain or just ugly beside her stuff.
I am beginning to question if I should be in this to begin with. I am beginning to doubt my own creativity. I am beginning to doubt if anyone will ever be interested in my designs. I am beginning to ask myself if I should quit and find something else to do.
But it is not really that simple as to just quit and move onto something else. I have already invested too much and have sunk in to deep to just quit. I should not have gone in with her so quickly and without giving it more thought.
That's why I am thinking that the only way for me to regain my ground is to remove myself from contact with her. To eliminate the stress of trying to out do her and instead, concentrate on trying to outdo myself with every design. I need to strike out on my own and show my stuff alone.
At least this way if I should still continue to get the response that I have been getting while with her then I am satisfied that the problem really does lie with me and my work. At least this way it would be more justifiable if I quit and moved onto something else.
I hate feeling so crappy about myself all the time. And having my works being commented as 'common', 'not precious' and 'cheap', to my face, does not help. I know I shouldn't take such remarks personally but I can't help it. No matter how much I try I can't stop myself from feeling the sting.
Why do I never feel like I am good enough? It doesn't seem to matter what it was that I did. I never feel that it is ever good enough, and thus feel that I am not good enough. When will it become enough? Will I ever find enough?
Monday, October 02, 2006
Essence of Me
I am such a failure! Why can't I do anything right?!
Everything about me is just one big screw up. I wish I could just crawl into a hole and stay there for the rest of my miserable and pathetic life.
I am such a coward. At the sight of the slightest difficulty or problem I give up. I would rather just give up instead of facing up to the problem and dealing with it.
I fail because I am a coward. I am a coward because I am lazy. I am lazy because I am afraid of hard work. I am afraid of hard work because I don't want to fail.
Such is the essence of my sad, miserable and painful existence.
3 decades in this world. Too short to be called a 'seasoned traveler'. Yet long enough to have plenty of incredible tales of youthful antics and undertakings. That however does not apply to me.
I wasted the last 2 decades of my life because I was afraid. And so I failed. I traveled through the years not knowing what I was doing, where I was headed, who I was becoming. I ran from challenges, from difficulties, from adversities.
I gave up on my life without even realizing it.
I could never win because in my heart, soul and mind I had already given up before I even started.
Why am I writing these down?
I don't know.
I am so tired. So tired of trying to be normal. Tired of trying to make sense of everything in my head. Tired of trying to cope with all these sadness and sense of futility. Tired of trying to make something of myself. Tired of always being dependent on someone else. Tired of never having control. Tired of not being able to sleep and wake at acceptable times. Tired of having no confidence in myself. Tired of constantly having to chase after lost time.
I'm just so tired. Mentally, emotionally, physically.
Everything about me is just one big screw up. I wish I could just crawl into a hole and stay there for the rest of my miserable and pathetic life.
I am such a coward. At the sight of the slightest difficulty or problem I give up. I would rather just give up instead of facing up to the problem and dealing with it.
I fail because I am a coward. I am a coward because I am lazy. I am lazy because I am afraid of hard work. I am afraid of hard work because I don't want to fail.
Such is the essence of my sad, miserable and painful existence.
3 decades in this world. Too short to be called a 'seasoned traveler'. Yet long enough to have plenty of incredible tales of youthful antics and undertakings. That however does not apply to me.
I wasted the last 2 decades of my life because I was afraid. And so I failed. I traveled through the years not knowing what I was doing, where I was headed, who I was becoming. I ran from challenges, from difficulties, from adversities.
I gave up on my life without even realizing it.
I could never win because in my heart, soul and mind I had already given up before I even started.
Why am I writing these down?
I don't know.
I am so tired. So tired of trying to be normal. Tired of trying to make sense of everything in my head. Tired of trying to cope with all these sadness and sense of futility. Tired of trying to make something of myself. Tired of always being dependent on someone else. Tired of never having control. Tired of not being able to sleep and wake at acceptable times. Tired of having no confidence in myself. Tired of constantly having to chase after lost time.
I'm just so tired. Mentally, emotionally, physically.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Self Analysis
I am in depression again. Well actually I don't think I was ever out of it. It just fluctuates between manageable and crippling.
Right now I am within the crippling spectrum. Nothing seems to hold any interest or joy for me. I just want to escape into sleep or television.
I have an important week long event beginning tomorrow and I have not done anything to prepare for it.
The more I think about the amount of work I need to accomplish the more I shrink from it. And that just serves to push me further down the depress spiral by adding to my feelings of incompetence and uselessness.
Knowing all these does not help me to cope with it any better. It is strange that I am able to analyze the symtoms and realize what I am suffering from.
Maybe it's because I have been suffering from this problem for the past 2 decades of my life that it has almost become a part of who I am. I don't know.
But the older I got the harder it has become to cope with it.
I am always complaining about the lack of time due to a busy schedule, but in reality I am well aware that the only reason is due to my inability to manage my time.
I feel like I am constantly struggling to keep my head above the water. Often times I feel like I am about to drown. But yet to those around me I had plenty of time.
It's all in my head and I don't know how to deal with it any more.
How can I become a productive and confident individual? I am always doubting my efforts, my work, my abilities, my views, myself. Always needing the affirmation of others to determine my worth.
This post isn't helping as I had hoped.....
Right now I am within the crippling spectrum. Nothing seems to hold any interest or joy for me. I just want to escape into sleep or television.
I have an important week long event beginning tomorrow and I have not done anything to prepare for it.
The more I think about the amount of work I need to accomplish the more I shrink from it. And that just serves to push me further down the depress spiral by adding to my feelings of incompetence and uselessness.
Knowing all these does not help me to cope with it any better. It is strange that I am able to analyze the symtoms and realize what I am suffering from.
Maybe it's because I have been suffering from this problem for the past 2 decades of my life that it has almost become a part of who I am. I don't know.
But the older I got the harder it has become to cope with it.
I am always complaining about the lack of time due to a busy schedule, but in reality I am well aware that the only reason is due to my inability to manage my time.
I feel like I am constantly struggling to keep my head above the water. Often times I feel like I am about to drown. But yet to those around me I had plenty of time.
It's all in my head and I don't know how to deal with it any more.
How can I become a productive and confident individual? I am always doubting my efforts, my work, my abilities, my views, myself. Always needing the affirmation of others to determine my worth.
This post isn't helping as I had hoped.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)