Enough is Enough

I know I need to stop working with her. I need to distance myself from her so that I can stand on my own two feet.

As long I stay in partnership with her I will always feel that I am not good enough and that I am always 1 step behind her. And that sucks.

I am constantly faced with the situation where I reinvent my stuff without any pause only to find that I am still 1 step behind her. My already fragile confidence is trashed everytime I see our stuff placed side by side, because the difference is painfully clear.

The process of creating art with your hands is suppose to be fun and therapeutic. And ideas are supposed to flow with practice. But due to my constant need to at least get on par with her I find myself getting mental blocks and I can't create anything. The times that I do they almost always tend to turn out like crap. Even when I think they look quite alright, it always looks too simple or plain or just ugly beside her stuff.

I am beginning to question if I should be in this to begin with. I am beginning to doubt my own creativity. I am beginning to doubt if anyone will ever be interested in my designs. I am beginning to ask myself if I should quit and find something else to do.

But it is not really that simple as to just quit and move onto something else. I have already invested too much and have sunk in to deep to just quit. I should not have gone in with her so quickly and without giving it more thought.

That's why I am thinking that the only way for me to regain my ground is to remove myself from contact with her. To eliminate the stress of trying to out do her and instead, concentrate on trying to outdo myself with every design. I need to strike out on my own and show my stuff alone.

At least this way if I should still continue to get the response that I have been getting while with her then I am satisfied that the problem really does lie with me and my work. At least this way it would be more justifiable if I quit and moved onto something else.

I hate feeling so crappy about myself all the time. And having my works being commented as 'common', 'not precious' and 'cheap', to my face, does not help. I know I shouldn't take such remarks personally but I can't help it. No matter how much I try I can't stop myself from feeling the sting.

Why do I never feel like I am good enough? It doesn't seem to matter what it was that I did. I never feel that it is ever good enough, and thus feel that I am not good enough. When will it become enough? Will I ever find enough?