Self Analysis

I am in depression again. Well actually I don't think I was ever out of it. It just fluctuates between manageable and crippling.

Right now I am within the crippling spectrum. Nothing seems to hold any interest or joy for me. I just want to escape into sleep or television.

I have an important week long event beginning tomorrow and I have not done anything to prepare for it.

The more I think about the amount of work I need to accomplish the more I shrink from it. And that just serves to push me further down the depress spiral by adding to my feelings of incompetence and uselessness.

Knowing all these does not help me to cope with it any better. It is strange that I am able to analyze the symtoms and realize what I am suffering from.

Maybe it's because I have been suffering from this problem for the past 2 decades of my life that it has almost become a part of who I am. I don't know.

But the older I got the harder it has become to cope with it.

I am always complaining about the lack of time due to a busy schedule, but in reality I am well aware that the only reason is due to my inability to manage my time.

I feel like I am constantly struggling to keep my head above the water. Often times I feel like I am about to drown. But yet to those around me I had plenty of time.

It's all in my head and I don't know how to deal with it any more.

How can I become a productive and confident individual? I am always doubting my efforts, my work, my abilities, my views, myself. Always needing the affirmation of others to determine my worth.

This post isn't helping as I had hoped.....