Essence of Me

I am such a failure! Why can't I do anything right?!

Everything about me is just one big screw up. I wish I could just crawl into a hole and stay there for the rest of my miserable and pathetic life.

I am such a coward. At the sight of the slightest difficulty or problem I give up. I would rather just give up instead of facing up to the problem and dealing with it.

I fail because I am a coward. I am a coward because I am lazy. I am lazy because I am afraid of hard work. I am afraid of hard work because I don't want to fail.

Such is the essence of my sad, miserable and painful existence.

3 decades in this world. Too short to be called a 'seasoned traveler'. Yet long enough to have plenty of incredible tales of youthful antics and undertakings. That however does not apply to me.

I wasted the last 2 decades of my life because I was afraid. And so I failed. I traveled through the years not knowing what I was doing, where I was headed, who I was becoming. I ran from challenges, from difficulties, from adversities.

I gave up on my life without even realizing it.

I could never win because in my heart, soul and mind I had already given up before I even started.

Why am I writing these down?

I don't know.

I am so tired. So tired of trying to be normal. Tired of trying to make sense of everything in my head. Tired of trying to cope with all these sadness and sense of futility. Tired of trying to make something of myself. Tired of always being dependent on someone else. Tired of never having control. Tired of not being able to sleep and wake at acceptable times. Tired of having no confidence in myself. Tired of constantly having to chase after lost time.

I'm just so tired. Mentally, emotionally, physically.