I Hate My Life

I hate my life!

I am not allowed to say no. If I say no I am made to feel guilty about it and made to feel that there was something wrong with me for saying no.

I don't want to go out and 'hawk my wares' like everyone else. I have my own plans.

I don't want to be forced to do a shoot just because he made the mistake and expects me to clean it up for him. The stress is disruptive.

I don't like being told what I should or shouldn't do with my life and my time. It's my life and my time so I should be the one deciding.

I don't like to fawn over others just so they can feel good about themselves and hopefully be nice to me. I have my pride and if you don't like my style then that's too bad.

I don't like to be made to feel inadequate or incompetent. I definitely do not like to be made to feel stupid. I don't do that to others so why should I take it from them when it is dished out to me?

I don't like to be dependent on others and I don't like taking care of others. I need my space, my freedom and my sanity.

Yes, I want to be an arrogant, proud, selfish, intelligent and self-sufficient person who is respected, listened to, loved by everyone I meet. I want them to be awed by my self-confidence, my achievements, my intelligence.

Because that seems like it is what the people around me and in this world like to see in a person.

I am fed up with being nice, accommodating, sensitive and quiet. I am fed up with having others step all over me. I am fed up with being forgotten and over looked. I am fed up with being the last minute thought or inclusion just to fill up the numbers. I am fed up that I am not allowed to show my unhappiness or displeasure by taking it out on others and yet I have to take it when they take it out on me.

I am just plain fed up with this life and the way others are treating me.

I wish to start over. To go to a new place with new people and just start all over. I want to leave all this garbage behind. I want to erase, delete and empty the trash.

I want a new life. A new home. New friends. No husband. A new job.

I wish death could have been the best solution to my problem. It would be so much easier.

I have lost weight because I have not been eating regularly. I only eat when I am hungry and then only a little bit. Most of the time that means only 1 meal a day.

I look haggard because I haven't been sleeping well. My eyes look tired with dark rings underneath.

I look at myself in the mirror and wonder who is that looking back at me.

I come in here, I write all these down, I upload it, and then I log out. But what purpose does it all serve? What am I trying to achieve by doing this? Who am I trying to impress?

It just pathetic!