I hate it when I have an emotional outburst. It leaves me feeling vulnerable and weak. It is embarrassing for me. And I hate to be embarrassed.
I remember when I was about 7 or 8 my palm got smacked by the teacher for not learning my spelling. I felt totally humiliated in front of the whole class and searing pain on my palm didn't help in keeping myself under control. I was fighting so hard not to cry but as I clutched my hand against my stomach the tears started flowing. The teacher got worried when she saw me cry and came over to asked if my hand hurt. Being embarrassed enough as well as being too proud to admit that she was right I lied. I covered my embarrassment by claiming to be having a bad stomach ache. My tears didn't stop so the teacher bought it and carried me down to sick bay. Everyone believed I was really suffering from a stomach ache. Even my parents. But till this day I've never told anyone the truth about what happened.
As I grew up there were countless other times where I'd had to cover up my embarrassment. I don't remember them now. I didn't want to remember them.
I get embarrassed when a weakness of mine is exposed. I get embarrassed even infront of my parents.
My defense is anger. I turn on anyone who has the misfortune of being around when it happened. Those most badly affected are always those close to me. I'll never release my anger and frustration out on friends. They don't want to know this side of me.
Feeling incompetent and not doing a good job gets to me the most. When I perceive that that is how I am being assessed it just sparks off inside me.
When I get questioned over why things are not getting done when the reason is because of my own incompetence, it goes off.
When questioned to explain my behaviour which from my perspective will cause me more embarrassment, it goes off.
When I'm being humoured and coaxed to calm down and respond which to me is admitting defeat, it goes off.
I don't know how I became the way I am. When I tried to recall back on my formative years to try and get an clue as to what could have happened my mind draws a blank. It is as if the memories got erased. I see fleeting images and remember bits and pieces but always nothing substantive. My recount of the school incident is one of the few traumatic memories that I have.
I remember being terrified when the nurses tried to stick a tube into my nose when I was 4.
I remember getting my thumb slammed by the closing front door when I was about 4 or 5.
I remember being devastated when I was cut from the school dance performance of the year because I was sick and missed a practice when I was about 7.
I remember my grandfather passing away when I was 9.
I remember being terrified when my elder brothers started fighting while my parents were out when I was about 10.
I remember my grandmother passing away when I was 12.
After that everything just sort of meddled into one huge blur until when I turned 19. The memories since then are still fresh and vivid in my mind whether I want them to be or not. There are some memories I'd rather push back and have it meld with the puddle that made up my teen years.
I am such a messed up person inside. I should never have agreed to marry him or anyone else for that matter. At least not until I straightened myself out. It is unfair for me to dump the burden of me onto him unawares. He absolutely had no idea what he was getting himself into when he proposed. I often wonder if he ever regretted the decision as I frequently have.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
P.M.S. Blow Up
Blew up at him on Sunday over a seemingly small and legitimate request (now on hindsight) and has hardly spoken to him since. It started out as irritation at him for making the request at that time, it got progressively worst as he began to nag (from my POV), by now I was feeling really pissed off and pointedly ignored him like I always do. After so many such conflicts and occurrences, I was, and still am, disappointed that he still doesn't notice the warning and danger signs that I give out under such happenings. I've tried telling him in more peaceful times about how I react and what best to do in such situations. But somehow it just doesn't seem to have gotten through to him.
Normally I would have simply continued to ignore him until I can find some solitude to calm down. This time it turned out quite differently. His non-stop talking and questions and remarks were really getting on my already severely grated nerves.
First I tried to tune out his voice as usual. It didn't work. Then I tried to get away by locking myself in our bedroom so that I can be by myself for a while. But he won't let me.
I was really frustrated and extremely pissed off by then. I stormed out to the hall in the hopes of putting at least a bit more distance between me and that annoying voice of his. All the time he just kept right on questioning, nagging, talking, accusing:
"Why are you being so unreasonable?";
"I can't understand why you are behaving like that.";
"I talking to you. Don't ignore me, it's rude.";
"Why can't you just do that for me? It doesn't take very long.";
"You can do it later after we come back from dinner.";
... just to list a few lines.
I can't remember what was the last thing he said that made me snap. I only remember his voice became muffled and the next thing I knew I spun around and began yelling back at him. But I remember clearly the first words out of my mouth: "Then kill me. Get rid of me."
The thoughts and words came bubbling up from inside. Things that I've felt but never allowed myself to voice out. My self-doubt, insecurities, emotions. It all just came out in clear words. No longer just thoughts within my mind. For once I was speaking the truth from my heart to him.
(Forgot to mention earlier that I was fell sick on Fri and still wasn't feeling all to well yet on Sun. Added to my irritation since I felt he was being insensitive.)
It was quite pathetic really. I started out being pissed off at him. But ended up beating myself up.
I am still not talking to him unless absolutely necessary. I've refused to let him touch me and I won't look at him. To him I am still angry at him for some reason that he just can't figure out. He has tried to make up with me. He apologized for being stupid and insensitive on Sunday many times over. Kept saying he loves me and missed me. Kept trying to get me talk to him and to make up.
From the outside and just reading these lines it may seem really sweet. But given the stated of my emotions it was like pouring oil on fire. The more he did the more difficult it was for me to cope and come to terms with myself again and what happened.
I am embarrassed at my outburst.
I am a strange person. I need to be away from people close to me when I am in the state that I am in. But yet I am not an outdoor person. Before I married and moved out, my room was my refuge from everyone. My parents knew to leave me alone when my mood changed. But unfortunately I didn't realized just how important having that refuge was to me.
I had always thought and wished that I would someday fall in love with someone and be loved back in return so completely that I won't need the refuge anymore. I knew when I got married that this relationship was far from what I had hoped. For starters I wasn't even sure I loved him at all. I married him for all the stupid reasons: I was lazy, It was convenient, He asked, The idea of getting married was exciting.
Actually I have only myself to blame for the predicament that I'm in.
It is now 7.18 in the morning. I've stayed up all night at the computer telling myself I need to get my work done. But I've done anything but work. I'm in shit and it gets deeper by every minute that passes until I finish the projects on hand. They are all extremely long over due.
Started up the program only to stare at the clips with an enormous reluctance to do anything to it. Various other things to do kept coming to mind. And finally I find myself here, at this point of my entry. I've spent over an hour putting all these down.
I can't even shrivel up and die even if I wanted to. At least not until I have fulfilled my freaking responsibilities to the clients. Sometimes I wish I was working for someone else instead. At least there are proper hours, weekends and off days. But I know I won't be able to stay long in on place though. I'm too damn lazy for my own good. I won't be able to get up at 6 am every morning to get to work.
I need help. In more areas than just with work:
- Work,
- House chores, (although he does most of it)
- Mental health,
- Emotional stability,
- Interpersonal relationships,
.... just to name some.
I just found out today the possible main reason for what happened on Sunday. I didn't realize that I was going through my monthly bout of PMS.
Sometimes it sucks to be a woman. But only sometimes.
It is now 7.38am.
Normally I would have simply continued to ignore him until I can find some solitude to calm down. This time it turned out quite differently. His non-stop talking and questions and remarks were really getting on my already severely grated nerves.
First I tried to tune out his voice as usual. It didn't work. Then I tried to get away by locking myself in our bedroom so that I can be by myself for a while. But he won't let me.
I was really frustrated and extremely pissed off by then. I stormed out to the hall in the hopes of putting at least a bit more distance between me and that annoying voice of his. All the time he just kept right on questioning, nagging, talking, accusing:
"Why are you being so unreasonable?";
"I can't understand why you are behaving like that.";
"I talking to you. Don't ignore me, it's rude.";
"Why can't you just do that for me? It doesn't take very long.";
"You can do it later after we come back from dinner.";
... just to list a few lines.
I can't remember what was the last thing he said that made me snap. I only remember his voice became muffled and the next thing I knew I spun around and began yelling back at him. But I remember clearly the first words out of my mouth: "Then kill me. Get rid of me."
The thoughts and words came bubbling up from inside. Things that I've felt but never allowed myself to voice out. My self-doubt, insecurities, emotions. It all just came out in clear words. No longer just thoughts within my mind. For once I was speaking the truth from my heart to him.
(Forgot to mention earlier that I was fell sick on Fri and still wasn't feeling all to well yet on Sun. Added to my irritation since I felt he was being insensitive.)
It was quite pathetic really. I started out being pissed off at him. But ended up beating myself up.
I am still not talking to him unless absolutely necessary. I've refused to let him touch me and I won't look at him. To him I am still angry at him for some reason that he just can't figure out. He has tried to make up with me. He apologized for being stupid and insensitive on Sunday many times over. Kept saying he loves me and missed me. Kept trying to get me talk to him and to make up.
From the outside and just reading these lines it may seem really sweet. But given the stated of my emotions it was like pouring oil on fire. The more he did the more difficult it was for me to cope and come to terms with myself again and what happened.
I am embarrassed at my outburst.
I am a strange person. I need to be away from people close to me when I am in the state that I am in. But yet I am not an outdoor person. Before I married and moved out, my room was my refuge from everyone. My parents knew to leave me alone when my mood changed. But unfortunately I didn't realized just how important having that refuge was to me.
I had always thought and wished that I would someday fall in love with someone and be loved back in return so completely that I won't need the refuge anymore. I knew when I got married that this relationship was far from what I had hoped. For starters I wasn't even sure I loved him at all. I married him for all the stupid reasons: I was lazy, It was convenient, He asked, The idea of getting married was exciting.
Actually I have only myself to blame for the predicament that I'm in.
It is now 7.18 in the morning. I've stayed up all night at the computer telling myself I need to get my work done. But I've done anything but work. I'm in shit and it gets deeper by every minute that passes until I finish the projects on hand. They are all extremely long over due.
Started up the program only to stare at the clips with an enormous reluctance to do anything to it. Various other things to do kept coming to mind. And finally I find myself here, at this point of my entry. I've spent over an hour putting all these down.
I can't even shrivel up and die even if I wanted to. At least not until I have fulfilled my freaking responsibilities to the clients. Sometimes I wish I was working for someone else instead. At least there are proper hours, weekends and off days. But I know I won't be able to stay long in on place though. I'm too damn lazy for my own good. I won't be able to get up at 6 am every morning to get to work.
I need help. In more areas than just with work:
- Work,
- House chores, (although he does most of it)
- Mental health,
- Emotional stability,
- Interpersonal relationships,
.... just to name some.
I just found out today the possible main reason for what happened on Sunday. I didn't realize that I was going through my monthly bout of PMS.
Sometimes it sucks to be a woman. But only sometimes.
It is now 7.38am.
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