Embarrassment and Lost Memories

I hate it when I have an emotional outburst. It leaves me feeling vulnerable and weak. It is embarrassing for me. And I hate to be embarrassed.

I remember when I was about 7 or 8 my palm got smacked by the teacher for not learning my spelling. I felt totally humiliated in front of the whole class and searing pain on my palm didn't help in keeping myself under control. I was fighting so hard not to cry but as I clutched my hand against my stomach the tears started flowing. The teacher got worried when she saw me cry and came over to asked if my hand hurt. Being embarrassed enough as well as being too proud to admit that she was right I lied. I covered my embarrassment by claiming to be having a bad stomach ache. My tears didn't stop so the teacher bought it and carried me down to sick bay. Everyone believed I was really suffering from a stomach ache. Even my parents. But till this day I've never told anyone the truth about what happened.

As I grew up there were countless other times where I'd had to cover up my embarrassment. I don't remember them now. I didn't want to remember them.

I get embarrassed when a weakness of mine is exposed. I get embarrassed even infront of my parents.

My defense is anger. I turn on anyone who has the misfortune of being around when it happened. Those most badly affected are always those close to me. I'll never release my anger and frustration out on friends. They don't want to know this side of me.

Feeling incompetent and not doing a good job gets to me the most. When I perceive that that is how I am being assessed it just sparks off inside me.

When I get questioned over why things are not getting done when the reason is because of my own incompetence, it goes off.

When questioned to explain my behaviour which from my perspective will cause me more embarrassment, it goes off.

When I'm being humoured and coaxed to calm down and respond which to me is admitting defeat, it goes off.

I don't know how I became the way I am. When I tried to recall back on my formative years to try and get an clue as to what could have happened my mind draws a blank. It is as if the memories got erased. I see fleeting images and remember bits and pieces but always nothing substantive. My recount of the school incident is one of the few traumatic memories that I have.

I remember being terrified when the nurses tried to stick a tube into my nose when I was 4.

I remember getting my thumb slammed by the closing front door when I was about 4 or 5.

I remember being devastated when I was cut from the school dance performance of the year because I was sick and missed a practice when I was about 7.

I remember my grandfather passing away when I was 9.

I remember being terrified when my elder brothers started fighting while my parents were out when I was about 10.

I remember my grandmother passing away when I was 12.

After that everything just sort of meddled into one huge blur until when I turned 19. The memories since then are still fresh and vivid in my mind whether I want them to be or not. There are some memories I'd rather push back and have it meld with the puddle that made up my teen years.

I am such a messed up person inside. I should never have agreed to marry him or anyone else for that matter. At least not until I straightened myself out. It is unfair for me to dump the burden of me onto him unawares. He absolutely had no idea what he was getting himself into when he proposed. I often wonder if he ever regretted the decision as I frequently have.