Me and my stupid pride.
I don't know what to do about the situation with him.
Well actually I know what can be done but I am so reluctant to do it. To give in and accept his apologies and make up would mean swallowing my pride.
Sounds rather stupid really. And pathetic too.
The situation is ridiculous. I'm not speaking to him or acknowledging his presence or answering his questions. He is hurt and at a loss for what to do. He was actually desperate enough to call my parent for help. They came over on Wednesday on some pretext to see what's going on. Then my dad came over yesterday to try to talk to me and find out what happened.
Instead of helping matters the conversation with my dad set off a new wave of depression and self loathing. It was all I can do to stop myself from bawling when my father stroked my head like when I was a little girl.
Now my parents are involved in this and they must be really worried, especially my mum. How do I tell them that everything was my own stupid fault?
How do I explain that because I can't stand stupidity and lack of initiative in myself, I am also unable to accept that he displays an even greater level of the very traits I detest?
I so want to reconcile and stop the silent treatment. But whenever I am near him or hear his voice I feel the irritation rise up from within. Every little thing that he does simply got on my nerves. I can't believe how stupid he can be.
I am lying on my side on the bed watching tv when he came back. Out of his concern for me he bought dinner knowing that I probably hadn't eaten. And then he promptly placed the tray and bag of food infront of me totally blocking my view of the screen. Normally I would have sat up so that I could continue watching and eat at the same time. But this time I was shocked and somewhat disgusted at his lack of observation. I laid there for a few minutes waiting to see if he realized the problem. But being the careless, insensitive, unobservant and thick-headed idiot that he is, he didn't notice.
I had asked him several times throughout the past 2 months for some of last year's accounting info. He suddenly remembered that the deadline was nearing but he had forgotten which months I had needed. So he happily asked me to tell him what was it that I needed. Now if it was specific information I can understand why he would need to ask me. But all I needed were all of the monthly totals for last year. What I am getting at is his seeming inability to think through a problem by himself. He knew that I needed figures for all 12 months. He also knew that I already have the figures for some of the months. He just could not remember which are the months that I needed from him. Why couldn't he have simply given me the figures of which ever months he had? The worst that can happen is and over lap in information, in which case I can handle easily on my end. That's what I mean by the inability to think for himself and solve the problem.
I realize that I have no respect for him at all and I don't trust him to make sound decisions regarding most issues. I feel digusted by him and the way he behaves.
I have difficulties submitting to him simply because I don't trust him. In my eyes he is a weak little boy that is so needy all the time.
I am selfish and proud. But my pride is only my way of shielding my low self-esteem.
Having said all that, how do I make up with him and stop the silent treatment?
Time:3.58am
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