Baby Blues

It seems like almost everyone I know around my age group already have kids, just gave birth or are about to give birth.

There are babies and toddlers everywhere. It started about 3 years ago I think. First you hear a string of so-and-so getting married to so-and-so. It seems that everyone is getting married. Then the next thing you know its 'so-and-so is pregnant', 'oh, so-n-so has given birth'...yada yada yada...

It is said to be a natural course of life and the God ordained path once a couple joins in holy matrimony. To have children is meant to be a blessing and is meant to bring great joy. To my friends who have become parents shortly after getting married, that is true.

Yet why do I feel pressured into having a child rather than supported? Pressured by social norms, traditional views and religious reasons. Whenever I said that both my husband and I are not ready for a child yet, I am faced with disbelieving and shocked expressions. It was like as if I had said something foul. The more understanding ones will try to play the counselor and start trying to psycho-analyze our decision as diplomatically as they now how.

I like kids when they are obedient and displays some intelligence. I have very low tolerance of noisy, bratty, rude, inconsiderate and stupid kids. The sort that runs around like a crowded restaurant yelling at the top of their voices, the sort that retorts back at you when told to follow instructions, the sort that pushes their way into a crowded elevator as others are trying to get out, the sort that runs headlong into someone because they weren't looking at where they were heading and then looking up at the person with a startled and non-comprehending expression.

But after having said all that, I do conceded that most of the time it isn't entirely the kid's fault. The parents/legal guardian are as much if not more to blame for the behavior of the child in public or around others.

I strongly believe that a child's upbringing and discipline should be the sole responsibility of the parents/ guardian. Not maids, teachers or grandparents (unless they are the guardians). I know that some might say that I should not make such a sweeping statement. There are always other factors to consider, like divorce, death or abuse. But if we were to trace the root of the problem it most often then not will lead back to the parents.

Being parents is an enormous responsibility. It isn't just providing the physical and material needs of another being. But to nurture the emotional, mental and spiritual needs as well. How a child behaves in public depends on how well these needs are met.

I am intimidated by such a responsibility. I am afraid of my own inability to nurture my child into an engaging, obedient, considerate and intelligent individual.

How can I take care of someone who will be so utterly dependent on me for a good 18-20 years when I can't even take care of myself? As well as my unresolved dilemma regarding my marriage and my feelings toward my husband.

How can I bring a child into such a situation?

As much as I would like to have a child of my own, I won't have one unless I know that I love my husband enough to stick with him till death do us part and unless I know that my husband is ready and willing to become a father. At least then I'll know that I won't be alone in process and that our child will be conceived in love and will be brought up with love.

Time: 7.30am