Baby Blues

It seems like almost everyone I know around my age group already have kids, just gave birth or are about to give birth.

There are babies and toddlers everywhere. It started about 3 years ago I think. First you hear a string of so-and-so getting married to so-and-so. It seems that everyone is getting married. Then the next thing you know its 'so-and-so is pregnant', 'oh, so-n-so has given birth'...yada yada yada...

It is said to be a natural course of life and the God ordained path once a couple joins in holy matrimony. To have children is meant to be a blessing and is meant to bring great joy. To my friends who have become parents shortly after getting married, that is true.

Yet why do I feel pressured into having a child rather than supported? Pressured by social norms, traditional views and religious reasons. Whenever I said that both my husband and I are not ready for a child yet, I am faced with disbelieving and shocked expressions. It was like as if I had said something foul. The more understanding ones will try to play the counselor and start trying to psycho-analyze our decision as diplomatically as they now how.

I like kids when they are obedient and displays some intelligence. I have very low tolerance of noisy, bratty, rude, inconsiderate and stupid kids. The sort that runs around like a crowded restaurant yelling at the top of their voices, the sort that retorts back at you when told to follow instructions, the sort that pushes their way into a crowded elevator as others are trying to get out, the sort that runs headlong into someone because they weren't looking at where they were heading and then looking up at the person with a startled and non-comprehending expression.

But after having said all that, I do conceded that most of the time it isn't entirely the kid's fault. The parents/legal guardian are as much if not more to blame for the behavior of the child in public or around others.

I strongly believe that a child's upbringing and discipline should be the sole responsibility of the parents/ guardian. Not maids, teachers or grandparents (unless they are the guardians). I know that some might say that I should not make such a sweeping statement. There are always other factors to consider, like divorce, death or abuse. But if we were to trace the root of the problem it most often then not will lead back to the parents.

Being parents is an enormous responsibility. It isn't just providing the physical and material needs of another being. But to nurture the emotional, mental and spiritual needs as well. How a child behaves in public depends on how well these needs are met.

I am intimidated by such a responsibility. I am afraid of my own inability to nurture my child into an engaging, obedient, considerate and intelligent individual.

How can I take care of someone who will be so utterly dependent on me for a good 18-20 years when I can't even take care of myself? As well as my unresolved dilemma regarding my marriage and my feelings toward my husband.

How can I bring a child into such a situation?

As much as I would like to have a child of my own, I won't have one unless I know that I love my husband enough to stick with him till death do us part and unless I know that my husband is ready and willing to become a father. At least then I'll know that I won't be alone in process and that our child will be conceived in love and will be brought up with love.

Time: 7.30am

Divine Grace

Things have taken a 180 degree turn since the last time I wrote.

I gave in and we made up shortly after the last entry.

We just came back from an amazing, well deserved and well spent holiday.

I started making time to spend some quiet time with God at the start of every day after we made up. I didn't realize how dry and hungry my heart and soul was for the Lord's word until I started reading the passages. Being able to continue spending such quiet time during our holiday was truly God's grace. I use 2 different daily guides and I am still amazed at how the same message runs through both guides every day.

My relationship with my husband has also improved. I pray that it will get better.

Whatever doubts I had about my marriage and my feelings for my husband I submit them to God's will daily as I read His word. It is actually quite liberating to pray for His will to be done and His purpose for me and us to be fulfilled and not dwell on things I don't know and have not control over.

I pray that this is not just a phase like so many other attempts I have made in the past. I need to remember that I shouldn't rely on my own strength and understanding. That's a sure way to loose steam and become discouraged.

2.00am

Pride and Prejudice

Me and my stupid pride.

I don't know what to do about the situation with him.

Well actually I know what can be done but I am so reluctant to do it. To give in and accept his apologies and make up would mean swallowing my pride.

Sounds rather stupid really. And pathetic too.

The situation is ridiculous. I'm not speaking to him or acknowledging his presence or answering his questions. He is hurt and at a loss for what to do. He was actually desperate enough to call my parent for help. They came over on Wednesday on some pretext to see what's going on. Then my dad came over yesterday to try to talk to me and find out what happened.

Instead of helping matters the conversation with my dad set off a new wave of depression and self loathing. It was all I can do to stop myself from bawling when my father stroked my head like when I was a little girl.

Now my parents are involved in this and they must be really worried, especially my mum. How do I tell them that everything was my own stupid fault?

How do I explain that because I can't stand stupidity and lack of initiative in myself, I am also unable to accept that he displays an even greater level of the very traits I detest?

I so want to reconcile and stop the silent treatment. But whenever I am near him or hear his voice I feel the irritation rise up from within. Every little thing that he does simply got on my nerves. I can't believe how stupid he can be.

I am lying on my side on the bed watching tv when he came back. Out of his concern for me he bought dinner knowing that I probably hadn't eaten. And then he promptly placed the tray and bag of food infront of me totally blocking my view of the screen. Normally I would have sat up so that I could continue watching and eat at the same time. But this time I was shocked and somewhat disgusted at his lack of observation. I laid there for a few minutes waiting to see if he realized the problem. But being the careless, insensitive, unobservant and thick-headed idiot that he is, he didn't notice.

I had asked him several times throughout the past 2 months for some of last year's accounting info. He suddenly remembered that the deadline was nearing but he had forgotten which months I had needed. So he happily asked me to tell him what was it that I needed. Now if it was specific information I can understand why he would need to ask me. But all I needed were all of the monthly totals for last year. What I am getting at is his seeming inability to think through a problem by himself. He knew that I needed figures for all 12 months. He also knew that I already have the figures for some of the months. He just could not remember which are the months that I needed from him. Why couldn't he have simply given me the figures of which ever months he had? The worst that can happen is and over lap in information, in which case I can handle easily on my end. That's what I mean by the inability to think for himself and solve the problem.

I realize that I have no respect for him at all and I don't trust him to make sound decisions regarding most issues. I feel digusted by him and the way he behaves.

I have difficulties submitting to him simply because I don't trust him. In my eyes he is a weak little boy that is so needy all the time.

I am selfish and proud. But my pride is only my way of shielding my low self-esteem.

Having said all that, how do I make up with him and stop the silent treatment?

Time:3.58am