Insights

Playing the victim and wallowing in self pity and puffed up indignation is strangely comfortable.

That realization came from a most unexpected source: a Japanese anime called The Twelve Kingdoms. One of the characters was in and argument with another over who has endured the most sufferings in their lives when one of them rebuked the other by pointing out that no one actually suffers more than others, everyone feels pain equally. But if the pain or suffering was really bad, she (one of the characters) would have really tried ways to get out of the situation instead of always lamenting and blaming others. The fact was that by playing the victim was a more comfortable state of mind to be in, than to have to take responsibility for herself.

That struck a cord with me. Made me wonder if I was doing the same thing. The more I thought about it, the more likely it became. Often times when faced with difficult situations or uncomfortable confrontations, especially if I had to explain myself or my actions, I turn around and assume the mindset and attitude of a someone who was victimized. It justified my thoughts and actions. It allowed me to shrink from my responsibilities and the consequences of my own actions.

But I suppose that's our basic human nature: to shift the blame of anything unpleasant to something or someone else but ourselves. That's the legacy that was left to us by Adam and Eve.

realizing something and actually acting upon it are town entirely different things. I admit that I will continue 'playing victim' because the thought of carrying blame and facing up to my faults is just too much bear. I'm a coward and a hypocrite.

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My mind is always on what has happened or what might happen, but it is never on what is happening now. That's where all my regrets come from: by not paying attention to the now and doing what needs to be done or doing what's right.

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How can I expect others to understand me when I don't understand myself most of the time?

That's a question that I asked myself many years ago when I first became aware that I have a problem coping socially. I asked that again today as it has become relevant again.

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I argue with myself so much that many of the things that I initially wanted to write down have now either become null or confused. I started many sentences before this one but I can never complete them. Just deleted another start of a sentence.

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I am dwelling. I feel better now after dumping all that in here. I feel like thinking about the holidays I've been on now.