Insecurities

I am feeling lost and insecure although I should be happy and relieved.

I got fired by my own husband. He has stopped me from helping in his business. The reason he gave for doing so was because he didn't want any further unhappiness between us over work related stuff. He said he would rather be a bit more stressed out and handle everything by himself again, so that he can have a happier wife and a better relationship.

Sounds really noble and caring of him doesn't it? Makes you want to go "Awww." right?

Well it SUCKS for me! Because by taking the 'job' away from me, he also took away my pay. Meaning I am now totally financially dependent on him. And by giving that reason, I became the 'bad guy', the reason that he will have to work harder.

I know I can do the job a lot better than he can. And I know that he knows it too. But he just can't take the way I work and I can't work the way he does. Thus the conflicts.

I never realized how much it meant to me to be able to control that part of the business until it was taken away from me. Now I just feel like the ground is going to fall out from under me anytime and I will have nothing to hang on to.

I feel like all the hard work that I have put into creating the system this past 2 years have been in vain. He wants to use his own system because he says he doesn't have the time to learn how mine works. When I saw how he was trying to sort out the pile of stuff that I had to pass over to him, I was really bothered. I am not sure how to identify what I felt. Maybe guilt of some sort, resentment perhaps, could be sadness also. It could be a combination of all those and others. But whatever it was it didn't feel too good. I kept thinking about how that was supposed to be my responsibility and how I would have been able to do a much better job.

My sense of security in him and in myself is greatly shaken because of this. It has caused questions about his motives behind the decision to form in my mind. I start wondering if he is trying to hide something from me. When I was handling the stuff in the company everything was open and transparent and I knew what was going on. I caught quite a number of items that were not accounted for properly and was able to question him about them so that things could be set back in order. But now I will have no idea what goes on in the business, I won't know how much or how little the business is making, I won't know his schedule as well as I used to, I won't know the people he goes out to meet as much as I used to.

And this sense of insecurity in him is greatly fueled by an incident that happened last year during my birthday which I failed to blog about here. In a nutshell, I found out he went out with another girl (supposedly a long time friend with no romantic history between them) and went to the movies (a show we were supposed to watch together) with her while I stayed at home thinking that he had errands to run and had work to do. He has since apologized many times and realized his mistake of not bringing me along that day. But the sting of finding out from the girl on the night of my birthday that my husband just spent the whole day with her still hurts and it has greatly shaken my confidence in myself and in him. (It has also totally destroyed what feeble friendly ties I had with that 'friend'.)

I hate the feeling of total dependency on him or on anyone.

I am at a loss of what I should do. I would like to have my own income source so that I won't be so dependent anymore. It just feels crappy to have to ask him for money. Especially when he is a really stingy person. On top of that, since I won't know how well the company is doing I can't shake the feeling of guilt from asking for money. My mom thinks it is only right that the husband should give the wife a monthly allowance regardless of her working status. But somehow I just don't feel comfortable doing that with the man. Maybe if he was more well off I would feel better taking his money and enjoying myself. But I know he won't be able to do that, at least not now. So I feel that I have not choice but to find an additional source of income for myself to supplement whatever amount he finally decides on giving me.

The current program I am in is good but because I don't have a big capital to start with the growth is slow. However from the earnings that I am getting, I hope to be able to start a small business for myself. But I am still unsure of what to embark on.

I have been spending hours on the internet trying to figure out my options. I just spent the whole evening at the bookstore reading through books trying to find out the direction I should be heading in.

Some people might say that I should be happy that I don't have to work for my money and that my husband is willing to take care of me. I should be relieved that I don't have to worry about work that never seems to end. Maybe if this was a perfect world and I was a perfect person.

But unfortunately this world is far from perfect and I am too screwed up to be any where near it.

I should probably just deal with it like everyone else does huh?