A Desperate Housewife

I have been staring at my keyboard for the past few minutes thinking about what I should write about tonight. There are things in my head and in my heart that I wish to make sense of. But somehow I just can't find the words for them.

Maybe it is also because I don't feel as angsty or resentful or depressed these days any more. I think I have been so used to having all those feelings surface so easily that I don't know or have forgotten how to respond internally to being happy.

But am I really happy? I don't know.

I don't feel the pressure of responsibilities and deadlines anymore. I don't feel the sense of resentment towards him for nagging about work. So working relationship-wise I am feeling better off lately.

How about the emotional and physical relationship?

Maybe there is where my lingering sadness and doubt lies. We have not quarreled since he made the decision. We have not had any disagreements, heated words or unpleasantness. Things do seem pretty calm and smooth going. But it lacks the closeness that I felt sometimes when we are both working together. We do not see each other as often any more and that seems to have affected our conversations: we don't seem to be having much of them.

I can't really complain about the physical relationship since nothing has changed there. There is still no relationship. We have not had sex for I don't even remember how long. It could easily be 6 months. We used to at least fool around a little in bed with some hand or oral action. But even that has ceased.

In the beginning I used to think that perhaps I had to bear half the blame since it does take two to have sex. I thought that maybe I wasn't sexy enough. Or that I wasn't responding to him the way he likes somehow. Or that I was expecting too much from him. So I tried to dress differently, to wear sexier lingerie, to create more romantic moments, to listen to what he likes and respond as best I could and not to have any expectations. But nothing seems to work. Instead is made me feel worse about myself.

So I stopped. And he didn't seem to notice. I am beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with him. Or us. Have you ever heard of two married couple who are both healthy and on good terms with each other but have not had sex with each other for almost 6 months?

I do have my needs. And he must have his right? So how come we are not satisfying each other the way a married couple should be? Is he having an affair? I don't see the opportunity for him to have one. So what is it?

There were times, in the darker recesses of my mind where I have thought about having an affair myself. I thought about dressing up and going out and meeting other people, men in particular, and perhaps have a wild fling just so that my needs can be satisfied and that I am still attractive to other men.

But I can never bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to betray him and do to him what I do not wish for him to do to me. And so I come to this blog that have become my mental solace at times.

I am happy that I have more time to myself now and that we are on good terms. But something is still missing. We may appear to be happy on the surface but I know I am not truly happy. I really don't know about him. He seems rather content and happy with working everyday. And he appears to be happier about us not fighting anymore. But is he truly happy I can't tell.

I have asked him that question before and his answer was yes. And perhaps he really does have such simple needs and that he really is happy like he said. Perhaps I am reading too much into the situation and imposing my own complicated mind onto him and expecting him to think like I do.

In my paranoid mind I am beginning to think that this idea of taking the work away from me wasn't his idea. Maybe he has been telling someone else about how he isn't happy with the way I work and that person told him to 'fire' me. But so that I won't get suspicious, the other person also told him to make it look like it was his decision so that we can have a happier relationship. When he tells this person about how I had believed him and gave up my work, I can imagine this person chuckling and says 'See, I told you she would. And now you can have the freedom what you want and to do things your way.' To take the paranoia further, this person could very likely be another woman. Maybe that long time 'friend' of his that he is always so friendly with all the time.

Doesn't that sound like something you would read in a book or watch on TV? I think I have been watching too much soap operas and tv dramas. Talk about a desperate housewife.